How the Yiling Patriarch

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How the Yiling Patriarch Got His Reputation Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/16786705. Rating:

General Audiences

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

Gen, M/M

Fandom:

魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù

Relationship:

Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn

Character:

Jīn Líng | Jīn Rúlán, Lán Yuàn | Lán Sīzhuī, Lán Jǐngyí, Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Jiāng Chéng | Jiāng Wǎnyín

Additional Tags:

Post-Canon, Established Relationship, dumb humor, like wei wuxian level dumb humor, Don't copy to another site

Series:

Part 1 of wei wuxian level dumb

Stats:

Published: 2018-11-30 Words: 3072

How the Yiling Patriarch Got His Reputation by rikke Summary

In which the junior trio find out the real reason corpses are scared of Wei WuXian.

Notes

Russian Translation by Hartwig_n!

See the end of the work for more notes

It took Jin Ling awhile to realize why lower level corpses would immediately back away or else fall flat on their faces as soon as they saw Wei WuXian. He’d witnessed it a few times in person, and never questioned it before. Having heard about how evil the Yiling Patriarch was, how he’d killed his parents because of demonic cultivation, how he’d betrayed the YunmengJiang Sect, Jin Ling had always assumed the Yiling Patriarch was an evil overlord over the corpses, and they feared him the same way all the YunmengJiang disciples were at least a little afraid of his uncle. After actually getting to know Wei WuXian, Jin Ling had grown a grudging respect for him, and he couldn’t deny that Wei WuXian was probably the most fun adult he’d ever met. He was certainly nicer than Jiang Cheng and it was easy to understand his teaching. So he assumed the Yiling

Patriarch’s bad reputation was due to unfounded rumors, and even felt a bit bad for him. When he got to see Wei WuXian and Lan WangJi in action, he was convinced that they were the most powerful cultivation partners in the entire world. And so he never questioned why the average walking corpse would see Wei WuXian and back away or fall to the ground in fear. He assumed it was just because they knew how powerful Wei WuXian really was since he had the ability to command them. It wasn’t until he went on a night hunt with the Lan Sect juniors with Wei WuXian and Lan WangJi a few months after they’d returned to GusuLan that he found out the real reason. It was the first time Jin Ling had been able to accept a night hunt invitation from the Lan juniors since the events of the Guanyin temple. As the new LanlingJin Sect Leader, he had been busy taking over a lot of the duties at Koi Tower and had turned down several invitations. But the hunt tonight was in the Yunmeng region and since he had been visiting Jiang Cheng, he decided could take a few hours out to night hunt with them. This time around, it was only a minor case of a dozen or so walking corpses that had been plaguing a small village. Typically, just a few low level walking corpses in the countryside was barely worth going on a night hunt for. Low level corpses like these didn’t even try to eat humans, and apart from having a few missing chickens and pigs, they hardly required help from bigger cultivation sects. But since Lan WangJi went anywhere there was trouble, and all the Lan juniors idolized and followed his example, they had decided to take care of the problem. Lan SiZhui and Lan JingYi had told him awhile ago that Wei WuXian liked tagging along when he wasn’t traveling with Lan WangJi. Sometimes, when they were staying at GusuLan and Lan WangJi was busy with other responsibilities, Wei WuXian would come along with the juniors just because he was bored. So it wasn’t entirely unexpected that the couple had both come this time. It also wasn’t completely unexpected that Jiang Cheng, hearing that Wei WuXian would be coming on the hunt, also declared he was coming along to supervise. And so a whole group of them, probably the most cultivators this village had ever seen, flew together to their destination. “Lan Zhan, let’s stay in Yunmeng tonight,” Wei WuXian said, hanging onto his husband as Lan WangJi flew both of them on Bichen like it was nothing. “When we’re done, let’s pick some lotus pods.” Even though he had a golden core again courtesy of Mo XuanYu, Wei WuXian claimed that he was still working on cultivating it to a higher level, and simply didn’t have enough spiritual power to fly on his own yet. With the amount of dual cultivation Lan JingYi told him they did on an every day basis, Jin Ling was pretty sure this was just Wei WuXian being shameless and wanting to be spoiled by Lan WangJi. “Mm,” Lan WangJi said. Jin Ling did his best to pretend like he heard nothing when Wei WuXian laughed and started telling Lan WangJi how much he liked him yet again. Just how many times did he have to say it? With the amount of disgusting, goosebump-raising words that poured out of Wei WuXian’s mouth on a daily basis, thirteen years of absence must have long been made up by now. Jiang Cheng, though, had no such compunction about giving them face. “Shut the fuck up!” he yelled from his sword. “Who the hell said you could pick lotus pods here?” “It’s not like you own Yunmeng,” Wei WuXian said. “We can do what we want. You’re just jealous

you don’t have a cultivation partner as perfect as my Han~Guang~Jun~” Wei WuXian said, his voice going up in the most flirtatious way at the end. “I’m going to throw up on you,” Jiang Cheng threatened. He shook his sleeves and pulled ahead of them so he wouldn’t have to keep watching. Wei WuXian burst into laughter at the response and Jin Ling made the mistake of turning just in time to see Wei WuXian hug Lan WangJi around the waist and lean up to kiss him on the chin. Jin Ling’s face burned and he vowed on the spot to never be so nauseating when he eventually found a cultivation partner himself. “How do you stand it?” he hissed to Lan JingYi and Lan SiZhui who had pulled up alongside him as they flew. “They really go on a lot of night hunts with you?” “It’s not so bad. It took them a long time to be together,” Lan SiZhui said, smiling in his polite, apologetic way. “Pray to buddha and pretend you see nothing,” Lan JingYi advised Jin Ling. “Flying faster also helps,” Lan SiZhui said with a pained expression on his face when Wei WuXian’s voice carried over. “My speed has gotten much better since they started coming along,” he said. “Much better.” Eventually, they landed in a small town. It was a large inn that had reported the problem, and Wei WuXian, Lan WangJi, and Jiang Cheng sat at a table in the yard drinking tea as the juniors set up corpse attraction flags. Lan WangJi nodded when they finished, enough approval to make Jin Ling blush. He understood why the Lan juniors would puff up with pride anytime Lan WangJi gave them the slightest word of praise. “Tch, that’s the bare minimum they should be able to do,” Jiang Cheng said, sipping his tea. More than one Lan junior grimaced and Jin Ling prayed his uncle didn’t ruin his new friends for him. Wei WuXian completely ignored Jiang Cheng. “Good job, kids,” he said. “Let’s eat out here while we wait,” he said cheerfully. “The moon is so bright and pretty tonight.” “You didn’t order did you?” Lan JingYi said at the first mention of food. “Rude,” Wei WuXian said. “I didn’t. Hanguang-Jun did.” “That’s just as bad!” Jin Ling couldn’t help blurting out. “He orders whatever you like to eat!” Wei WuXian narrowed his eyes in mock offense. “Are you saying you don’t respect Lan WangJi’s taste?” “He married you, didn’t he?” Jiang Cheng said bluntly. “You ruined his fucking taste in everything.” Wei WuXian didn’t take offense, only wrapping his arms around Lan WangJi’s neck and smiling. “Maybe I improved his taste,” he said, eyes going fond and half-lidded. “If I stab you, it’s justified,” Jiang Cheng said, ignoring the warning look Lan WangJi sent in his direction.

Thankfully, while Lan WangJi had ordered a variety of red dishes, there were also a number of normal looking ones that everyone else could eat. They were still eating when the walking corpses showed up in the courtyard garden. As expected, there were only about a dozen or so low level corpses that tottered into the yard with their arms extended. From their clothes, it was obvious they were just dead countryfolk and would be no trouble at all to exorcise. Jin Ling got to his feet and drew his sword. “Take care of it in five minutes or I’ll break your legs,” Jiang Cheng ordered him. “I’ll do it in three,” Jin Ling said. Ever since Wei WuXian had returned and clearly had no problem messing with Jiang Cheng, Jin Ling had grown less and less afraid of his uncle’s temper. He imagined Jiang Cheng gave him a look of some pride at his declaration. “All right, you heard Sect Leader Jiang. Get to work, kids,” Wei WuXian said, gesturing for the juniors to get to work. “Let’s have a drink after you’re finished!” he said, turning to lean on his frowning husband and reaching up to play with his forehead ribbon. “Don’t look at me like that. Just one, Lan Zhan. We’re not in the Cloud Recesses now after all.” Every Lan disciple averted their eyes. Jiang Cheng threw down his chopsticks in disgust. “I’m going to send a bunch of dogs to your house.” Wei WuXian withdrew, offended. “What have I ever done to you?” he said and waved for the proprietor to bring over a jar of liquor and several bowls. “You ruined my appetite,” Jiang Cheng answered. That should have been it except that the corpses, at the sound of Wei WuXian’s voice, froze in place. A few of the closer ones fell flat on their faces, and the further ones tried to retreat faster than they’d come in. “Aiyah, if you’re so scared of me, you shouldn’t go around eating other people’s chickens and pigs,” Wei WuXian said, laughing when he saw the sight of the terrified walking corpses. Like the few times he'd witnessed it before, it never failed to be surprising how scared walking corpses were of Wei WuXian. They never even ran away from Hanguang-Jun, and Jin Ling had never met a more powerful cultivator before. “You don’t have to be so scared of me,” Wei WuXian said, getting to his feet and going over to the nearest corpse—a tall man who looked like he’d once been a farmer or other type of field worker when he’d been alive. The corpse broke out into shivers and if he’d still been alive, might have started sweating. “Why are they so scared of you?” Lan JingYi asked. “Shouldn’t you know? I thought you said you went on hunts with him before,” Jin Ling said. “We have,” Lan JingYi said. “It happens every time low level corpses see him—I just don’t know why. It’s not like Senior Wei is that scary.” He glanced at Lan WangJi. “Isn’t Hanguang-Jun stronger than him?”

“Oh so you think I’m weaker than Hanguang-Jun?” Wei WuXian said, putting his hands on his hips. “Aren’t you?” Lan JingYi said. “You make him fly you on his sword everywhere.” But even though Wei WuXian was nothing like the monster they’d heard stories about growing up, he had killed thousands of people before. Just because they had been lucky enough not to see it yet, the corpses must be scared of Wei WuXian for a reason. Wei WuXian grinned. “Fine. You want to know why all these corpses respect me so much?” he said. “Let me teach you a secret technique that will guarantee all low level corpses will bow down before you.” His eyes shone with a red light. At this, the tall corpse fell prostrate on the ground, begging for mercy. “Too late for you now,” Wei WuXian said, jabbing him in the back a few times with his foot. “You should know better than to terrorize these poor villagers.” The corpse shivered even more, making sad, growling noises with his face in the dirt. “Watch carefully,” Wei WuXian said. Lan SiZhui took out a notebook to take notes. Lan JingYi leaned eagerly on his seat. All the juniors watched, enraptured, as the Yiling Patriarch prepared to show his secret techniques. Only Lan WangJi continued to eat as though nothing was happening. Wei WuXian circled the group of walking corpses and got to work, pulling out Suibian to help him —clear proof that his cultivation level was just fine. But the longer Jin Ling watched him work, moving back and forth, ordering around the corpses, the more wrong things seemed. This couldn’t really be the great Yiling Patriarch. Half an hour later, Wei WuXian stood back and brushed the dust off of himself. He put his hands on his waist and turned proudly to his stunned audience. “Pretty good, right?” Wei WuXian said, brushing a finger under his nose proudly. Jin Ling stared at the dozen or so walking corpses in the yard. Each one of them had been planted in the dirt so only their heads were showing like a row of sad, drooping radish tops. Worse, Wei WuXian had let all the chickens in the courtyard out of their cages so they ran around, stepping on corpse heads, leaving fluffy feathers in their limp hair. One hen sat on a corpse head and, clucking proudly, laid an egg. “Undignified,” Lan JingYi breathed. “Too undignified!” “He did that to me once,” Lan SiZhui whispered, looking like he was having war flashbacks. His eyes were hollow. “And then he watered me like a plant.” This was the first time Jin Ling had actually felt bad for a walking corpse. “Did he do that to walking corpses back then too?” he asked. Lan SiZhui nodded, a look of utter pity and empathy on his face as he looked at the row of planted corpses. “He used to hang them from the ceiling to scare me or he’d catch them and make them help him test out his talismans and spells.” “That’s just bullying,” Lan JingYi said. “He’d also make them help him plant food or climb up trees to pick fruit that was too high for him or

scare out pheasants out of bushes for him to catch,” Lan SiZhui continued, a blank look coming over his face as he slipped into the memories. “Slave labor?” Lan JingYi said. “He used to make Uncle Ning drag a whole cart full of groceries with him sitting on it too,” Lan SiZhui said. “Like a donkey.” Even though Wen Ning had been responsible for his father’s death, Jin Ling felt a wave of pity for him, imagining him being bullied into dragging this cackling tyrant up and down the hill. Wei WuXian, unaware that his adopted son was spilling all his old stories of mischief, strutted in front of the row of sad corpse heads, surrounded by clucking chickens. “I don’t want to see any of you terrorizing the village anymore,” he lectured them. “No more stealing chickens.” The corpses were buried too deep to nod their heads, but they squirmed and made desperate, growly, affirmative noises. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Jiang Cheng roared. He had, up until then, been staring at the corpses with his eyebrow twitching. “You even tease corpses? Get the fuck up!” he ordered the tormented corpses who just stared helplessly at him. “Hah! They’re more scared of me than you and your bad temper,” Wei WuXian said triumphantly. “Isn’t that right?” He leaned over to pat one of the buried corpses on the head. The corpse looked like it wanted to hide its whole head in the dirt. Even more so when a passing chicken hopped on its head. “And you! You’re just going to let him do this?” Jiang Cheng shouted at Lan WangJi who was still eating. Although he had been eating the entire time Wei WuXian was bullying the corpses, he had only finished half his bowl of rice because he was so slow. Lan WangJi chewed carefully, swallowed, and when nothing was left in his mouth finally spoke. “Wei Ying, stop playing,” he said. “Hanguang-Jun buried me in a pile of rabbits before too,” Lan SiZhui whispered. Wei WuXian grinned at Lan WangJi. “You want me to play with you instead?” “Were you dropped on your head as a child?" Jiang Cheng said. "How did you turn out so shameless?" Jin Ling reached over and awkwardly patted Lan SiZhui on the shoulder. Anyone who had Wei WuXian and Lan WangJi as parents must suffer greatly, he thought. “Or do you want to play with me?” Wei WuXian continued, coming over and dropping himself into Lan WangJi’s lap. “Have a drink with me, Lan Er-Gege,” he cooed, pouring a cup and bringing it to Lan WangJi’s lips. Lan WangJi shook his head. Jin Ling breathed a sigh of relief. Drunk Lan WangJi was a sight he had seen once and never wanted to see again. “Fine. If you won’t drink from the bowl, then will you drink like this?” Wei WuXian narrowed his

eyes and grinned with mischief before taking a mouthful of liquor into his own mouth, and then pressing his own mouth to Lan WangJi’s. “Jin Ling, we’re leaving!” Jiang Cheng roared, slapping the table and standing up. Jin Ling could see goosebumps all up and down his neck. “This is a joke of a night hunt! GusuLan’s reputation is going to the pits thanks to you two!” he shouted. “Are you coming or not?” Without waiting for an answer, his uncle hopped on his sword and took off. Wei WuXian waved a hand at him, eyes closed, the open-mouthed exchange turning into openmouthed kisses until Lan WangJi slumped forward, his eyes shut. Wei WuXian’s eyes sparkled and he laughed. “All right, Lan Er-Gege, let’s get you upstairs. We still haven’t done every day activities yet.” He winked at the rest of the disciples as he got to his feet with Lan WangJi draped over him. “Don’t listen to Jiang Cheng. Pranks work,” he said in a loud, conspiratory whisper. “If you want walking corpses to be scared of you, all you have to do is practice a little mischief!” Then he dragged Lan WangJi upstairs. Jin Ling exchanged a look with the rest of the disciples as they stared at the row of sad corpses amongst the clucking chickens. “He even has a bad reputation with corpses,” Jin Ling said. "And for the worst reason." “Should we dig them up?” Lan SiZhui asked after a moment. “Undignified,” Lan JingYi whispered. “Too undignified.”

End Notes

out of all the dumb fics i've ever written, this might be the dumbest but i mean there has to be a reason all the corpses see wwx and immediately try to run away when he’s not actually doing anything other than existing, right? lolol

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