A Boy I Used to Love (A St. Ski - London Casey

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A BOY I USED TO LOVE

LONDON CASEY

JAXSON KIDMAN

KAROLYN JAMES

CONTENTS Welcome to Hundred Falls Valley and the world of St. Skin. Stay social with both authors here: A BOY I USED TO LOVE Prologue River Lacey River Lacey River Lacey River River Lacey River Lacey River Lacey River Lacey River Lacey River

Lacey River Lacey River Lacey River Lacey River Lacey River Lacey River Lacey River Lacey River River Lacey River Lacey From the authors: About the Author Also by London and Jaxson:

WELCOME TO HUNDRED FALLS VALLEY AND THE WORLD OF ST. SKIN.

From the minds of two bestselling authors comes a book and series about love, redemption, and finding fate in the place where you’d least expect to find it. Welcome to Hundred Falls Valley and the world of St. Skin Written by London Casey (Karolyn James) and Jaxson Kidman

STAY SOCIAL WITH BOTH AUTHORS HERE:

Newsletter (part of the Outlaw Romance Obsession team): http://eepurl.com/b9BDKb St. Skin Facebook fan page: www.facebook.com/stskinseries

A BOY I USED TO LOVE A ST. SKIN NOVEL

They agreed to meet again in 10 years... RIVER: Lacey wasn’t the one that got away – she was the one I let go. That I made a promise to see and to love again. And each year on the same day I bring a ring to our spot and wait. And each year Lacey never shows. I tell myself this year is the last year... I need to move on, move forward, and let her go for good. And that’s the exact moment a

car appears with Lacey behind the wheel... LACEY: I’ve avoided that one day each year, knowing what it could mean for me. I was young when I fell for River, and I was ripped away from him. Now it’s ten years later and I’ve lost everything important in my life. So I decide I have nothing left to lose... or so I think. The second I see River it all comes crashing back. And now it’s the ultimate test of time, love, and forgiveness...

PROLOGUE A YEAR AGO (RIVER)

up on the rock and sat down. Behind I climbed me stood the finished cabin. The old man put me up to the job a few years back and I did it just to kill time. It was my little retreat, even though it involved countless hours of unpaid labor. The whole blood, sweat, and tears cliché fit the cabin perfectly, but I refused to even look back at the damn thing. I had a key to the place, too. There was one simple rule. As long as someone wasn’t

parked next to it, the cabin was mine to use. I spent no nights there. I built no fires in the fireplace I helped build. I took no time or care to stand outside on a cool evening and stare up at the stars, wondering just how many there were or if we really were alone in the vastness of the universe. Universe. My universe was a little smaller, but it felt just as complicated as the unknown. I told myself I’d sit there for an hour, but I knew I’d go until sunset. That had just become part of the tradition. Year after year, waiting for her to show up, then waiting for time to speed by to get to the next year. Looking from the outside of the glass, nobody would see me as that type of guy. But a promise was a promise, even if I didn’t clearly remember everything about it. As I sat there, I took all the time I had to really reflect on the previous year. The whirlwind of life. How I’d gone from a punk on the streets to a wild man behind bars to a forever in-demand tattoo artist. I gave up my own shop right on the beach to

take a new job with those guys at St. Skin. That’s what life and time was all about—change. Constant change. Except for this one day each year. Ironically, it was the one day I wished there was a change. I jumped down from the rock and walked to a tree. It was the same tree I walked to each year. Right there, just below eye level, was a mark. I made that mark with a spare key on my keyring a year ago. It was part of something bigger, something I seemed to keep adding to. It had no purpose—nobody would see it or care about it, but it was my thing. I took out my keyring and found the key to my old tattoo shop. It was a small silver key, used for an actual lock. I used to pull down a metal gate and lock it up. That’s how I did business. Then I’d take my bag of cash to my apartment and sit there with a bottle of whiskey and a pen and paper and try to figure out how to actually run a business. I never ran out of money and never went behind on my bills. And when I cashed out, I took just what I needed to get me to St. Skin. So I guess it

wasn’t a complete failure. I jammed the key into the soft bark of the tree and twisted. I bit my tongue as I did so. I then pulled down, cutting the bark, making a fresh mark on the tree. Right then, for some damn reason, I wondered if the tree felt pain. Just another cut from one of my keys. The mark would be there like a scar, but did the tree feel it? I took my key away and backed up. I looked up at the tall tree and shook my head. Was this what it had come to? Debating whether a tree had feelings? Or could feel pain? Seriously considering hugging the tree and apologizing for hurting it? “Shit,” I whispered. I ran my hand through my hair and put my keys away. I reached into my other pocket and took out a pack of smokes. I lit one up and enjoyed it. I had been gradually cutting back on the damn things, but today was the one day when they tasted too fucking delicious. That sandpaper burn down the back of my throat and into my lungs. My body groaning in instant protest. My mind reminding my body that I

had done so much worse to it throughout my years. I went back to the rock and leaned against it. I put my head back and made rings of smoke. Shit, there’d been a time when that was the coolest thing in the world to do. You mastered that, along with wearing a leather jacket and always be willing to throw the first punch, and you could get any woman you wanted. Then again, back then, they weren’t really women. Stuck somewhere between girl and woman, but still…what a time. And yet I had my eyes, heart, and soul locked onto just one person. My crutch. My curse. My damn stubbornness. I finished the first smoke and indulged in a second one. I quit after that, squashing the pack in my hand and throwing it as hard as I could into the woods. Behind the cabin, there was a purple glow starting to kick up from the horizon. That meant the sun was setting. I had a good twenty-minute drive back to civilization, then another couple hours until I was in Hundred Falls Valley to my apartment. Back to the sick, twisted sense of reality that consumed me.

I knew I’d wake up tomorrow and put my feet on the floor and demand that everything be new. But that newness would quickly wear off. Because time would push on. Days to a week. Weeks to a month. And then months to another fucking year. I dropped to one knee and dug in my pocket again. I pulled out a little diamond ring. I held it up and pictured how things were supposed to go down. Shit, right then, with the sky on fire with an array of colors, it was almost something out of some cheesy-ass movie. I used my left hand to dig in the dirt, right next to the rock. Took me about five minutes of digging to find the other rings. I didn’t keep count of how many where there, but there was a quite a few. I dropped the new ring into the hole and buried it. I stood up and put my foot on the dirt. I wiped my hands on my jeans. I nodded. “See you next year,” I whispered, and I patted the big rock. I walked away, feeling a little emptier. That’s just what time did.

It moved forward. It filled you up. It drained you. I just wanted to know that she was okay…and happy.

RIVER PRESENT DAY (ALMOST A YEAR LATER)

and pretended I was blowing out I exhaled smoke. My left hand was jittery without having my morning cigarette. My right hand was tight around a coffee mug as I stood on the balcony and greeted another day in life. I twitched my left hand’s fingers and thought about my last smoke. Amazing how months and months had gone by, and yet that urge was still there, fresh on the tip of my tongue, a phantom feeling between my fingers.

I lifted the mug to my mouth and took a sip. My left hand reached out and grabbed the metal railing of the balcony. I leaned forward and looked down. I was lucky I got the apartment when I did. There wasn’t much available in town, and if I’d missed out on this one, my commute to St. Skin would have been a pain in the ass. Here, I could leave at five to ten and be there by ten. I had met Tate at a tattoo convention a while back. His booth was next to mine, and we quickly struck up a friendship, damn near ignoring everyone else at the convention. We should have been the ones walking around, talking to suppliers, but we preferred to sit our asses down and let people come to us. He was amazed by the work I did and that I did it all on my own. Tongue-in-cheek, he told me if I ever needed a change he’d make room for me. I’d shaken his hand, laughing, and later that night, we ended up at a bar, drinking. The night went by fast and ended with a crazy bar fight. Tate and I got tossed out of the back of the bar into an alley. We both turned, ready to throw another punch, realizing that we were left

with just each other. We burst into laughter, hugged, and broke apart. He went one way, I went the other. He called out without looking back that his offer would stay good. I never thought I’d take him up on that offer, but when the winds of sweeping change hit, they took me for a damn ride. From the beach to a small town. From being the guy who ran the tattoo shop on the beach, never wearing a shirt, always looking for trouble, to being the guy who worked in a tattoo shop with a schedule, a boss, and a fucking paycheck. The craziest part was that the transition wasn’t all that bad. It was smooth. The guys at the shop were welcoming, almost like a brotherhood. It helped that on my first day, Tate called a meeting and explained who I was and what I had been doing. Out of everyone there, more than half already knew about me thanks to people and the internet. Shit, I didn’t even have the internet in my shop back on the beach. Yet I had become kind of famous for my ink. Normally, I enjoyed my privacy, but when it came to inking someone, it

was all about exposing yourself. Exposing yourself as the artist and exposing yourself as the person getting the ink. I finished my coffee but didn’t feel any more awake than before I had a sip. Caffeine did shit for me. Same for nicotine. But whiskey? Ah, damn… I turned and saw a beautiful woman standing in the doorway wearing nothing but the sheet from my bed. She had auburn hair and chestnut eyes. Her skin had a permanent shade of tan to it. The kind of woman who didn’t need to do a damn thing to look stunning. She was insanely natural, and that was a wicked turn-on for me. Even when I took her out, she would fuss over makeup, but she never looked different. The only time I saw her wearing lipstick was when she had to work early one morning and decided to leave a trail of kisses down my body as a little goodbye present to hold me over until she got home. And her name—Mary. Just a simple, beautiful name. A name that might have suggested innocence, but she was far from innocent. Trust me.

I met her ten months ago at a bar. Big shocker, I know. But she wasn’t there to drink. She was the designated driver for a group of friends who drank too much vodka, got too loud with their woo bullshit over college stories, and almost got into a few fights. For whatever reason, I put my glass down and went over to Mary. I stopped drinking, chatted her up, defended her friends, and even helped her get them all home. Two passed out and two more needed a ride. One of those two got sick in the back of my truck. I helped Mary get her friends home, even helped the sick one to her bathroom. Mary then consoled her friend as she started to regret the night and her entire life. I hung around and ended up spending the night. We didn’t sleep together, though. We just talked and laughed. And of all fucking things, we drank tea. Black fucking tea. I was instantly hooked on her. Now, to be fair, the next time I met up with Mary, we went on a date, had a few drinks, and I brought her back to my place. We had sex three times that night, once more the following morning, and then I showed up at her job for a little

lunchtime quickie. It was fast, furious, deep, and emotional. We hadn’t dropped the L-word on each other, but instead, just went for the ride. I didn’t know all that much about her, and she sure as hell didn’t know about my past. Or at least the parts I knew I needed to keep hidden. I opened the door and stepped into the apartment. I looked down at Mary. Fuck, she really was beautiful. She had that look in her eyes. That forever kind of look. That wife-and-kids look. I knew I wasn’t going to be that guy for her. We were doomed from the start, and now that the calendar was about to flip another year, it was time. The calendar in my heart and mind dictated its own rules. “You looked stressed,” Mary said in her soft voice. “You want to smoke, don’t you?” “Yeah, I do.” “I appreciate that you don’t.” Mary had told me the terrible story of how her father lost his life to lung and heart issues after a lifetime of smoking. It helped me cut the habit,

even if the urge lingered on my tongue day after day. I touched her cheek. “I made you a promise.” She grabbed my hand, sliding it down to her neck and then to her chest. My hand eased under the bedsheet, and I felt the warmth of her breast. She inched closer to me, her eyes changing into those of the fiery vixen I had almost fallen for. There was a good reason why I couldn’t fall for Mary. I was in love with someone else. “Good morning,” she whispered. Her lips came forward as my thumb stroked over her nipple. The right words for me to say right then were simple. Good morning to you too. Instead, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “We need to break up.”

I expected to catch a lot more hell from her.

Instead, she just backed away and pulled the sheet tight around her body. She looked at me, and I couldn't tell if she wanted to cry or stab me in the chest. I would have accepted either one. The thing was…she wouldn’t get it if I tried to explain. So I just stood there. “So that’s it?” she asked. “That’s how you end things with someone?” “Look, you’re special. You know you’re special. I can’t begin to tell you what this time has meant to me. But I see it in your eyes, Mary. What you really want. That’s not me.” “I held back from telling you how I felt because I didn’t want to scare you,” she said. “I loved you. I still love…” I put my hand up. “Don’t throw that word around. I’m not going to apologize to you. But I have to get to the shop. You do whatever you need around here. Take your time. Break some shit. I don’t care.” “You’re just…done?” “Done.” “How? Last night, you were inside me, River. I

felt you. I felt us. I felt…” “Today’s a new day,” I said. I walked away from her. It was painful to walk away from someone so beautiful, so perfect, even as I was breaking up with her. I put my coffee mug in the sink. Then I felt her creeping up behind me. One of her hands slid around my naked torso and tickled at my stomach. I swallowed hard. “Don’t do that.” “Over is over then, huh?” “Over is over,” I said. “We can keep this up, but it won’t go anywhere. I won’t put a ring on your finger, Mary. I won’t buy you a house. I won’t give you kids. I’m just trying to be fair and honest. I know that’s what you want.” Her hand then moved from me. It was the last time she’d ever touch me. “Then I guess I’ll grab a shower and leave,” she said. “When I get out of the shower, make sure you’re gone, please.” I swore I heard her voice crackling, like she was crying. But I didn’t look back. I looked straight ahead. Out the kitchen window to the day that waited for me. I didn’t move until I heard the

bathroom door shut. The pipes rattled when Mary turned the shower on. In the bedroom, I grabbed a t-shirt. That was my work attire. Fuck, I loved my job. Turning, I stared at the bed. The messy covers. The pillows. I touched them. The bed was going to smell like Mary for a little while. I glanced at the bathroom door, picturing Mary’s sultry body. That dark skin. Her perfect breasts. The curve of her ass. The sound of her voice when I touched her. I gritted my teeth. I was doing the right thing. Hurting for a week or two was better than hurting for years. And hurting for years was something I knew all about.

I was in my world. The existence made just for me. A piece of flesh, some ink, and a story to tell. The story wasn’t mine to tell, but it was mine to share. The woman’s name was Carrie, and she was

getting a gecko tattooed on her leg. She wanted the colors to be bright green and orange with bright blue eyes on the thing. It was a symbol for her brother, who died in a motorcycle accident six months ago. They had grown up in Florida and had geckos as pets. She said the only time she ever remembered her brother being truly happy was when they were kids, chasing lizards around. They got into some argument a while back, and he bought her a gecko as a make-up gift. The gecko was named Tim and died two months before her brother did. I had some good vibe, reggae-style music coming from the speakers in my room. I let Carrie hook her phone up to my speakers to play the music she wanted. She was on her back with her hands folded on her belly, staring up at the ceiling. I worked hard, started with the outline of the lizard, then went into the shading. I wasn’t used to using such bright colors and meshing them all together. It was such a happy-looking tattoo for such a sad story. As I was about to wrap things up, an idea came to me. It took me an extra couple

minutes, but I added something extra and special for Carrie. On the back right leg of the gecko—the matching leg of the one she had the tattoo done on herself—I snuck in her brother’s initials. You wouldn’t see it unless you knew what to look for. After I cleaned it all up, I helped her to sit up and let her have a look. She smiled, her eyes glossed over, and she turned her face to me. “It’s better than anything I could have imagined,” she said. “Now, I’ve mentioned it before,” I said. “I’ll tell you again. The bright colors. They’re going to need to be touched up here and there. So come see me when you need to. Okay?” “Yeah. Of course.” “There’s one other surprise here,” I said. I showed her the initials. She gasped and covered her mouth. “You good?” “Yes,” she said with her hand over her mouth. “It’s perfect. It’s…amazing.” “Good.” I helped Carrie to her feet after bandaging up

her new tattoo. She threw her arms around me and thanked me for bringing her vision to life. That meant a lot to me. That’s why I did what I did. It wasn’t a money game. It wasn’t about getting shit posted online. It was about bringing those stories to life. A story that was there forever now. I sent her on her way and hung back in my room to clean up. I had two more appointments to round out another busy day at St. Skin. My door opened with a hard knock, and Axel stood there. He was a fucking giant of a guy, and for some reason, he took to me. “Break,” he said. “Yeah.” I followed him out back, and he was quick to light up a smoke. He then shook his pack of smokes to offer me one. The tip stuck out, calling my name. “Nah,” I declined. “Still holding back?” he asked. “Nice. You must really like that woman.” “I broke up with her today,” I said. “You did what?” “Don’t start,” I warned.

“She was gorgeous,” Axel said. “What happened?” “Nothing happened. I just wasn’t feeling it.” “Feeling what? Her ass? Her tits? Her pu-” “Axel, fuck off,” I said. “I don’t get you, man. I’m sorry. You get these women. And then you dump them right around the same time. What is it?” “Nothing.” “It’s something, brother. I see it. I know you’ve been here for a couple years now, I see shit going down. You run every year. Then you come back, and you’re angry. You’re hurt. Then you find a new woman. Things go great. Then you just cut the cord. I mean, you could at least be an asshole and make them hate you a little.” I shook my head. “Don’t worry about me.” “I don’t,” Axel said. “I’m just curious.” “You ever been in love?” “Brother, I’m divorced,” Axel said. “I rode the whole damn ride, okay? Getting together. Committing. Figuring out the feelings, the right time to propose, everything. Getting married. Figuring

out life. Then having it all crash down. Been there, done that.” “Fair enough,” I said. “Then you get it. There’s someone that I made a promise to. And I’m not sure if that promise will come through on her end.” “Wait,” Axel said. “Tell me this is some bullshit high school love story.” “No,” I said. “It’s a little deeper than that, Axel.” “So you’re waiting for some woman to come back?” “That’s one way to put it.” “What kind of tampons do you use?” “What?” “Didn’t know you had a pussy,” Axel said. “What?” I yelled louder. “You’re waiting for some woman to come find you? Why don’t you go find her?” “Trust me, it’s not that simple.” “Everything is simple, if you look at it the right way.” That was why I didn’t talk about things to people. It wasn’t about just finding her and

showing up. That was the easy way to do it. But it wasn’t the way we agreed to do it. What we’d agreed was to meet up at a certain spot at a certain time. The night she left, I was too drunk to remember the time but I knew the spot. So I made it a promise to myself to show up there every damn year and always be single. Because when I saw her again and I got my hands on her, there would be no letting go. She was mine. All mine. She was my…

LACEY PRESENT DAY

“

L acey!” I turned, and Becky was racing up the

driveway, her hands flailing in the air. I stopped, confused. What the hell was she doing here? I waited and when Becky caught up, she dropped her bag to the ground. She was out of breath, but forced a big smile and grabbed my wrist.

“What are you doing here?” she asked. “I was thinking the same about you,” I said. “Bev told me to stop by today.” “You know that Jenny is mine,” I said. “Well, you’ve been floating for a while so…” I sighed. “I’m here right now. I would never miss an appointment. I think everyone knows that.” “I’m not saying a thing,” Becky said. She was a cold and calculating bitch. Everyone hated her but nobody could ever actually ignore her. She was always in your face and forever in the way. I worked in private nursing and took care of those who were on hospice care. I’d been coming to Jenny’s house for almost two years. I’d seen her through the worst of her cancer and treatment. I’d sat there at the table with her and her family with the doctor on the phone as they made the decision to stop treatment and let nature take its course. Yeah, I had dealt with my own personal tragedy since that time, but that was life. I wasn’t quitting. I wasn’t giving up or giving in on anything. When I needed time off, I made sure to make arrangements. I stared at Becky and knew there was no

winning this. “We can go inside together,” I said. “That’s fine,” Becky said. “Let me shoot Bev a text. Just so she knows we’re both here together.” Kiss ass. I opened the door and took a deep breath. This was one of the hardest parts of the job: that initial walkthrough of the house. You never knew what you’d find. It had happened to me many times before, finding out that someone had passed. But Jenny was a tough cookie. So tough that even at the age of seventy and being almost crippled from cancer spreading through her body, I found her standing on a chair with a duster, cleaning off a ceiling fan. The sight shocked me. I knew better than to scare her, but Becky was right behind me. “Oh my goodness!” Becky yelled. Jenny let out a yelp and dropped the duster. It smacked her right in the face and she started to fall back. I dove forward and somehow made it just in time to keep her from falling. If she had fallen, everything would have broken. She was that

brittle. My hand pressed against her back and all I felt were weak bones. I grabbed her hand and she looked down at me. “Jenny, it’s me,” I said. “Lacey!” she said. Blood trickled down the bridge of her nose from where the duster had smacked her. “Why don’t you come down? Let me help with that.” “Mrs. Vennerson!” Becky yelled. “You cannot be doing this on your own!” I got Jenny off the chair. She looked at Becky. “Who are you?” “I’m Becky. I’m here to help.” Becky was talking loudly as though Jenny were deaf and unable to process words. Jenny looked at me. “Why’s she yelling at me?” I smiled. “We need to get you into bed. How do you feel?” “Not so good,” Jenny said. She looked pale. She looked tired. Her eyes were almost hollowed sockets. She had gone bald

a long time ago but since stopping treatment some had tried to grow back. It didn’t come in clearly or evenly, but she wore her illness and scars proudly. Hell, she wore death proudly. “You need to get back into bed,” Becky said. “We need to check all her stats. Mark this down. Call it in. I’ll get the paperwork. We might need to discuss having someone more permanent here if she’s a risk.” “I’m a risk?” Jenny asked. “That’s okay,” I said. “Let’s get you settled.” I gritted my teeth as I helped Jenny to her bed. I hated Becky. She was crazy. Jenny kept a tight grip on my hand after she was settled. “Are you leaving me?” “No,” I said. “Then what’s that moron doing here?” I laughed. “She’s good at her job. They were worried about me not being here.” “Because of Kyle,” Jenny said. “You still grieving?” “I’m not sure,” I said. “We were close…” “You two were days away from marriage.”

“Not quite that, Jenny,” I said. Kyle had been the one as in the one who filled a hole in my heart. I never expected things to draw out as long as they did, though. I was probably the perfect woman for him: never asking about marriage, kids, a house. All that stuff I had once dreamed about. I wasn’t a good person, though. Not for how long I let it all go. And certainly not for the way it all ended. Kyle was dead and I never got the chance to tell him the truth.

Becky came into the kitchen and her face was red. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “She just called me… a cunt.” I almost spit water on the floor. I swallowed and coughed. I patted my chest. “What?” “You heard me.” “Don’t take it personally. She’s dying. It’s painful.” “I was trying to help her.”

“She’s not used to you. She’s a very familyoriented person. It took a while for me to break through her shell.” “Well, I can’t work like this. I have to talk to Bev.” “Becky, please. Stop. You have no idea what that woman has been through. Go outside for a breather. I’ll take care of this.” When I opened the door to the bedroom, Jenny was sitting up. She was holding a magazine that was six months outdated, one she had read ten times. “Jenny,” I said. “I meant what I said to her,” she said in a weak voice. “Okay. Let’s forget about that. Tell me how you’re feeling.” “Like death.” I sighed. She was sick, in pain, and in a bad mood. The cut on her nose was bleeding a little. I tended to her, dabbing a tissue to her nose to heal it up a little. “I’m really sorry about today,” I said. “You

deserve better care. I’ve been a little out of it lately and changing my schedule. This is my fault. I would never change on you, though. You’re my favorite.” “Oh, stop that,” Jenny said. “You tell that to everyone.” “No, I don’t. You asked me about grieving before. I don’t know what I’m doing. It was shocking when Kyle went. It hurt me. It did. But I don’t think we were all that serious.” “You love someone else?” I smirked. I did not talk about my past with anyone. “True love, real love, whatever it is,” Jenny said, “it’s a bitch. It’s a cold-hearted bitch.” I laughed. “Did you always curse like this?” “No,” Jenny said. “But I’m two breaths from dying, so who gives a shit?” “That’s one way of looking at it.” “Hey, are you going on another a trip soon?” “A trip?” “Yeah. It’s almost that time.” “What time?” I asked, smiling.

“For as long as I’ve known you, every year around this time you go on a trip. And your pictures. Remember when you brought me vacation pictures? They were always timestamped for the around the same timeframe.” “Yeah, they were and are,” I said. I always planned a trip around a set date but nobody had really picked up on it before. Except Jenny. For as sick as she was she didn’t miss a beat. She could have her eyes shut and ready to let go and if something on her dresser was out of place, she would pop her eyes open and tell you about it. I squeezed her hand. “I don’t have anything planned. It’s been a strange year for me.” “Of course, it has,” Jenny said. “I just lie here waiting to die. You’re out there living. And you had to welcome death to someone too young. It’s a shame. I never question religion and faith…” “Don’t start now,” I said. “What happened to Kyle was tragic. I told him so many times to call me if he ever needed a ride. He swore he knew the roads by heart, you know?”

“So, he was drinking?” “Yes.” “Damn,” Jenny said. “I’m sorry you have to go through it.” “Well, it’s not like I have anything to deal with. Kyle had friends but little family. A couple cousins that live thousands of miles away. It’s like he just vanished, almost.” I shook my head. It only got me upset when I thought about what he could have been doing in life without me. Granted, he would have been in the same town, the same bar, the same car, and have the same fate, but still… what if he had met the right woman? “You wear guilt, Lacey,” Jenny said. “I don’t like that look on you.” “It’s hard to explain.” “No, it’s not. You just don’t want to tell an old hag like me.” “Don’t say that…” “Lacey, can we talk?” Becky asked as she poked her head in the room. I stood up and released my hold on Jenny’s

frail hand. “Becky,” Jenny said. “Yes?” Becky asked. “I’m sorry for what I said. You’re not a cunt.” My nerves pinched, hearing a seventy-year-old woman say that word. “Thank you,” Becky said. “You are a bitch, though,” Jenny said with a sly grin. She then looked at me and winked. “And you, Lacey, you owe me the reason why you don’t like this time of the year. I want to know.” “I’ll tell you,” I said. “You just rest. No more cleaning the house. Okay? We can help with that. Or we can talk to your family about getting help.” “Help,” Jenny said and curled her lip. She was strong, fierce, and defiant. She had beaten cancer twice in her life. The third round was the losing one, but even still, she was putting up a hell of a fight. As far as I was concerned, she was going to pass because of age, not cancer. “Don’t be stubborn, Jenny,” I said with a smile. Jenny was quick, as always. She pointed her finger at me. “You don’t be stubborn, either. If

you’re avoiding something important by taking those trips, you’re only hurting yourself.” I laughed and walked out of the room. Becky was waiting for me like a parent ready to scorn a teenager for showing up late. I froze. “Yes?” “You two are close.” “I’ve known her for years.” “You’re personal with her.” “And that’s wrong?” “What’s with this trip? Are you taking vacation time off again?” “Becky…” “Look, I’m on your side with everything here. Bev has tried but she has no patience anymore. You barely took time off after Kyle passed. We all let that slide. But since then you’ve been a flake. Sorry to say it like that. I just got off the phone with Bev. She’s pissed. It’s good that Jenny took to you but she needs to understand her situation. She can’t be standing on chairs. She can’t be mean to me or anyone else.” “Can we go into the kitchen?”

“Sure.” I wanted to give Jenny a little peace. But when I got Becky into the kitchen, I lost my edge. My finger literally touched her nose, but if I didn’t at least do that I was going to haul off and slap her or punch her. And knowing Becky, she’d be the type to sue me or something crazy. “Stay the fuck out of my business,” I growled at Becky. Her eyes went wide. Her eyes were damn black, her eyeballs piercing white. I could see the eye liner around her eyes. She looked like a scared raccoon. “You know nothing about me,” I said. “Nothing. What I do. Where I go. Who I did it all with. That’s my business. If Bev has a problem with me she can call me. She can sit me down and tell me anything she wants. Not you. You’re not my boss. You have no personal skills, either. You wonder why Jenny calls you names? You treat her and everyone else - like a child. A damn child. These are adults. These are humans. They’re sick. They’re frail. They’re goddamn dying, Becky.”

Becky stepped back and cleared her throat. “Well, you can’t take a vacation. Whatever your issues are, you should seek medical help. I’m leaving. I have somewhere else to go now.” Becky walked away without getting hit, which was a miracle itself. I put my hands on the counter and hung my head. Was I that obvious? Had everyone picked up on my insistent need to get away during that one week of the year? Not even the week, just that one day. That one damn day… I lifted my head and saw that the day was coming soon. Again. I blinked fast, trying to hold back my tears. That one day. It was just days away. What was I going to do this year?

I quit. The words seemed to flow so easily from my mouth and across Bev’s desk. She gently peeled

her glasses off her face and just stared at me. It was really that simple. I wasn’t going to talk about Kyle. I wasn’t going to talk about grieving, my failed relationship, the guilt I felt for what happened to Kyle, or that I was thinking about how to avoid the world on a certain day that was now even closer. My heart, my mind, my soul, they were all stupidly greedy. “Lacey,” Bev said as she gently set her glasses down on her big desk. “We value you, your expertise. The way people draw to you.” “I’m done,” I said. “I need a break. I can’t do it anymore.” “How are you going to survive?” I stood up and waved a hand. None of that was Bev’s damn business. But if she wanted to know, all I did was work and save. I had my own accounts, my own money, and I never did anything for myself. When I was with Kyle, he and I had the picture-perfect relationship in terms of what we did together. He was a really good guy. But he loved the allure of the bachelor lifestyle, yet

appreciated coming home to someone waiting. I’m not sure many women would have dealt with him like I did, but at the same time, what he gave me was exactly what I wanted. It was all fake. A placeholder for the next thing. I just didn’t know Kyle’s next thing was going to be a trip to the grave. And my next thing? I left Bev’s office after giving her my work phone and my badge, almost like a cop on a show being stripped of her duties. I left the building, got into my car, and knew I needed to see Jenny. I would be visiting now as a friend. I would keep my promise to her and tell her everything: why I went on a trip during a certain time of the year. Maybe she could shed some light onto my situation. Why I acted the way I did. Why I was such a fool over a guy… hell, he was a boy. A boy I used to love. But he never got out of my heart. And I knew he was a man now, alive and well. Thanks to the internet, it was easy to see him. The boyish features that had somehow turned into a man. All man. Tattoos, bad boy eyes, strong arms, running his own business, living a life that looked

so free. A life he swore he’d have. A life he swore we’d have. I didn’t want to share the story because I lived the story in my mind every single day. But for Jenny, it was the least I could do. When I pulled into the driveway, I got a gutwrenching feeling. There were too many cars there. Way too many cars. I hurried out of my car and met Jenny’s oldest daughter - Angie - at the door. She was in tears. She was shaking her head. “No,” I said. “No, no, no, no…” Angie touched her lips and nodded, shutting her eyes. Tears escaped, rolling down her cheeks. I threw my arms around Angie. She had always been the toughest of Jenny’s three kids. As the oldest, she took the most of the burden and that included hiding her emotions. But right then, Angie was able to let go. She burst into tears in my arms. “When?” I whispered. “This morning,” Angie said as she cried. “Peacefully. That’s what they keep telling me. No pain. No suffering. She just went.”

I felt breathless for a few seconds. This was the hardest part of my job. I knew what I was getting into when I took the job. But the reality was hard to swallow. I never got close to anyone like I did Jenny, either. And I was actually coming to visit her as a friend. To rely on her for some advice on what to do. I found myself crying with Angie. Angie held me at arm’s length and took a breath. “We’re a mess.” “I’m so sorry,” I said. “I should be more professional.” “Don’t worry about it. You were part of this family. What you did for the last couple years…” “Angie.” “You kept her alive for us.” “She kept herself alive. She was tough. Stubborn. And she went the way she wanted. Not the way cancer wanted. That’s a beautiful thing.” “It doesn’t feel so beautiful,” Angie said. We both broke down again. Then came Jenny’s other two kids - Jeremy and Ava. They insisted I stay as Jenny was taken from the house. I stood

there and held all three of her kids. They were grown adults but it was me somehow holding all three of them. I held it together, but inside I felt ill. After the scene attempted to calm a little, they begged me to stay for coffee. I did. Then they begged me to stay for something to eat. But that’s where I drew the line. I couldn’t impose on this family and their grieving. I couldn’t guide them through it, either. They would have to stand tall on their own. Outside the house, I found Jeremy and Ava sharing a cigarette. “Is Ang coming?” Ava asked, eyes wide. “No. Why?” “She doesn’t know we smoke,” Jeremy said. “We stopped, but this…” “I’m leaving,” I said. “I have to get home. I… I can’t express…” “No more sorry,” Jeremy said. “She loved you, Lacey. So, we love you. Thank you for everything today, too. You didn’t have to do all this. Sorry if we leaned on you a little more than we should have.”

“Nothing to worry about.” I hugged them and left. I’d never see the inside of Jenny’s house again. And I’d never see Jenny’s kids again. I’d never even make it to her viewing or her funeral. By then, I was gone.

Tomorrow. I forever told myself tomorrow. Everything would happen then. The easiest crutch to hold onto and believe in. Everyone was so used to tomorrow coming that when it didn’t, they were shocked and saddened. And when tomorrow did come, it was just taken for granted. For me, there was one day on the calendar when tomorrow scared me. And that was indeed tomorrow. A day that revolved around a decade’s old promise. When two hearts tried to stay together but were forcefully ripped apart. A promise that we’d meet again at the same spot. That we’d pick up

where the romance left off and life would be easy. Life would be fun. Life would be good. What we didn’t know back then was what time would push between us and how hard traveling through time would actually become. Then again… it was all waiting for tomorrow. And, yes, for nine years straight I made sure to have plans on that date. I made sure to be far away and busy and distracted so I could try to shave off some of the guilt. Last year I was on a tropical island as Kyle drank a lot of tequila, got drunk, did cartwheels naked on the beach, and even made out with the bartender that kept serving him drinks. I caught him kissing her and I felt nothing. He broke the kiss, grinned, and she offered for me to join. That wasn’t my bag, though. I left him there and never asked what happened after that. For nine years, I made sure anything that resembled reality did not exist. Only now there was a big difference. I had nobody to distract me. I had no job, either. And the person I made a promise to tell the

story to was now gone. I wasn’t sure about the whole heaven and hell thing, but if Jenny was spiritually somewhere, able to watch over me, then she’d see the story come to life. I stayed up too late, got up too early, and drank too much coffee. I packed two bags and carried them, along with years of memories, and left my apartment. I was going to keep my promise. Tomorrow had become today. And today I’d see the only man I ever truly loved.

RIVER ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO

there, naked, and fished a smoke out of I sat my jeans. I lit it up and blew smoke into the air of the old house. I had no idea who owned the house but we all partied and squatted there when we needed to. Maybe it wasn’t the most romantic place for someone to experience their first time, but it was all Lacey and I had. I made sure to bring a couple sleeping bags for cushion and I did steal a rose from the convenient shop. I looked over my

shoulder and saw the imprint of her in the sleeping bag. She was fantastic. Fucking gorgeous and beautiful. Everything I could have ever imagined in a woman. And trust me, she was all woman. It wasn’t just her age that dictated that, either. I was old enough to buy booze, finally, and Lacey was just a couple years behind me. It amazed me she waited that long and then gave it up to me. I already had years under my belt, but most of it was all regret. I’d never regret Lacey, though. By the time I finished my smoke, Lacey came walking back into the massive living room of the abandoned farmhouse. She was pulling her hair back, her hair clip between her lips. I had reached back and torn that clip from her hair. I loved her long hair. That sexy, dirty-blonde color that needed nothing more. Not like these other chicks who colored their hair, adding stripes and highlights and all that bullshit. Lacey was just herself. From the day I met her, she was the realest thing in a world that was all fake to me.

She was wearing her panties and her shirt. Her pants were balled up on the floor, thrown where I had put them. With her arms up and still playing with her hair, she looked delicious. I stood up, my bare ass facing her. I grabbed my jeans and stepped into them, then turned, and she had her hair all fixed up again. She walked right to me, her slender hands sliding against my arms. The heat between us was insane. The house smelled of dust and age, but the closer I got to Lacey, the more I could smell her sweet skin. Her soap, her shampoo her perfume. I stroked her cheek and gently kissed her. “River,” she whispered. “That was amazing.” “It gets better with time,” I said. “Whenever you’re ready again, I am.” Lacey smiled. Her cheeks blushed. It was cute to me that she could blush by my words when I had just seen all of her. When I had touched and tasted all the most private and intimate of places on her body. We kissed again, our tongues touching. The lust was raw. So fucking raw.

Lacey broke the kiss and looked up into my eyes. “Can I try something?” “Anything you want.” “I want to try a cigarette.” “You’ve never tried one before?” “No.” “Wow, you really want to ruin all of you, huh?” “Come on, River,” she said. I reached into my pocket and pulled out another smoke. We stood there like we were two innocent kids, taking all the wrong choices in life. Truth was, we were both adults, living life on two very different paths. She wasn’t rich, but she had a shitton more than me. Her parents were well-off, and she had a comfortable and controlled life. The worst trouble she ever got into was giggling too loud in the hallways back in high school. And when she got yelled at, her face turned red and she almost cried. “I just want to try,” she said, sticking out her lip. “You know they’ll kill you,” I said. “Very dangerous for your health.”

“You’re dangerous for my health, River, but I’m still here.” “You just got a taste of me,” I said. “And I want more,” she said. She moved in for a kiss but stopped with barely a millimeter between us. “But first I want to cigarette.” Fuck, she was sexy. Just ungodly, natural, and sexy. Like nobody I ever met, and I knew I’d never meet anyone close to her caliber. “Fine,” I said. We sat down on the sleeping bag with the same anticipation as we had a little bit ago before making love. I lit up a fresh smoke and took a deep drag. I then gave it to Lacey. She held it awkwardly, like it was a firecracker and was going to blow up in her fingers. I smiled as she slowly put her lips to it. She was shaking with fear. “Lacey…” “Shut up,” she said. Her eyes almost crossed as she tried to watch herself take her first drag. It was a quick one, lasting less than a second before she burst into a fit

of coughing. She held the cigarette out, eyes shut as she coughed. I burst into laughter. I couldn’t help it. “Asshole,” she said, eyes watering, face red. “Give me that,” I said. “No,” she said. “I’ll get it.” I watched as Lacey took two more drags before passing it back to me. I wouldn’t let her try again. Her face looked a little white as her body tried to come to terms with what she had just done. “If you feel sick, it’s okay,” I said. “That happens.” “I’m fine,” she lied. “Just fine.” I put the smoke out and grabbed her, pulling her close to my body. I didn’t need an addiction when I was with Lacey. She was my addiction. Shit, I had no plan in life. No path. No purpose. Nothing. I worked out of an auto garage and made more money in dealing with stolen parts and fighting than I did punching a clock. Sure, we’d meet up with other crews in the junk yard and bet on fights. I was the best fighter of our group and made decent money. Of course, that wasn’t exactly a real career.

But fuck it, what did it matter? I had some cash in my pocket. I had no bills. No debt. I could buy smokes and beer. I could work on my truck for free. And best of all, I had the woman of my dreams in my arms, her fingers tickling down my chest, making me rock-hard again. I rolled over and put my body on top of hers. I put my right fist to the floor and pushed up a little. She looked even prettier on her back. It was like something happened with the lighting or some shit, I couldn’t figure it out. She didn’t just make me hard, she made my heart pound in my chest. I really loved her. It was far from some great physical thing. This shit was deep. This shit was real. I couldn’t stop kissing her. In fact, Lacey was the one who pulled at me, sliding her hand down my jeans, wanting to go at it again. For me, I was good with just kissing her until the sun came up over the ready-to-fall over, beat-up house. I moved between her legs and propped myself up on my knees. I opened my jeans and paused so I could take in all her beauty. She knew the darkness inside me. Where I came from. That where I was

going was like driving a car with the windshield fogged up. But she didn’t care. Maybe she was still too innocent to care. Maybe she was too dumb. No offense to her, but maybe that puppy-love stuff had gotten to her so bad she couldn’t understand reason or reality. I wasn’t going to be the one to break her heart, though. Even though our reality wasn’t going to let us be together.

I lifted her shirt up and started to kiss down her neck. Lacey put her head back and groaned. Her skin tasted so sweet. She was like fucking candy. Soft candy with a warm, creamy center. I exhaled and let my breath cascade against her left breast. That’s when I heard the broken tailpipe thunder of a truck. A familiar truck, at that. Then came the horn. A half-dead horn that sounded more like a whine than something intimidating. I broke away from Lacey’s body and pulled her

shirt down. I saw the lights of the truck flashing against the window as the vehicle grew closer to the house. “Shit,” I whispered. “What’s wrong?” Lacey asked. I looked at her. “I have to go, darlin’.” “What? Why?” “I need you to just stay here, okay? I’ll be back soon.” “River, I can’t. I have to get home.” “You can take my truck,” I said. “Your parents will flip out about it, though. Park it on the street and I’ll get it.” “No, don’t leave! What’s happening?” The truck horn blared again. Fuck me, I’d forgotten about my nine o’clock thing. I got up on my knees, towering over Lacey. “This is work stuff,” I said. “You have to fix a car right now?” I smiled. “It’s my other job. Look, it’s going to be okay, darlin’. I just have to go. I’m sorry. Will you stay here and wait for me?”

“Yes,” she said. She pushed to sit up. “I’ll be here, River. But I can’t stay all night.” I grabbed for my truck keys. “Take these. If it gets past midnight, I want you to drive home. Blame me. Your parents already hate me. I don’t need them to hate you.” “River, I’m scared.” I slipped my hand behind her neck, pulled her close, and leaned down. I kissed her. “Darlin’, there’s nothing to be scared of. This house is big, empty, old. Cuddle up the sleeping bag and relax. You know how to get out of here and get home. I’ll be fine.” “Please hurry.” “I’ll try my best.” We kissed again, and I stood up. I grabbed my t-shirt and my smokes. I looked back at her one last time and smiled at her with a wink. The second I walked out that door, it was all business. There were two guys in the front of the truck. Two more guys in the bed of the truck. They all had bottles of beer. Someone threw one from the bed of

the truck at me. I snagged it midair and popped it open. I jumped into the bed of the truck, and we were off. “You ready?” one of the guys, Charlie, asked me. I made a fist. “I never lose.” “You leave something behind in there?” He pointed to the house as the darkness swallowed it up. “Nothing for you to worry about,” I said. I pounded back the first beer. The second one I took my time with. I never got nervous when it came to work. Except this time. I had butterflies in my stomach, and I knew why. I wanted to make it back to Lacey and hold her. Smell her. Taste her skin. Lick up whatever innocence was left. Get whatever time I could with her. Because our time…it was just ticking down to heartbreak.

LACEY ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO

the sound of the truck was gone, I W hen looked around the house. I instantly felt like I was a little girl, terrified of every shadow and creak. But I wasn’t a little girl. I wasn’t a girl at all. I was a woman. If I had it my way, I wouldn’t even be living at home, but since my parents were covering the cost of my college tuition, they demanded I stay home to help them save money and give me time to focus on classes.

My dad wanted me to become a doctor, and my mother always went along with him. He was tech guy. If you asked what he did, he’d speak another language of big words and jargon that only a handful of people understood. I sat on the sleeping bag and spread my hands out over it. I started to smile, reflecting on what had happened with River. He never once pressured me about it. We were just sort of together all the time. I loved him. I really did. He said he loved me. He didn’t go out with other women or anything like that. So it just felt right. At least to me it did. I didn’t care what anyone else would think, not that it was their business. Having River as my first was exactly what I had imagined. Even in the abandoned house, it was all just somehow fitting for him. He was a wild boy, a rambler, living on the edge but always coming back to me. He was the complete opposite of me. And that’s why we worked. I wished my parents could see beyond the roughness of River. I tried to put my head down, but that wasn’t going to cut it.

I swore I heard footsteps upstairs, and that freaked me the hell out. I jumped up and put my pants on, got my socks on, and did a one leggedhop as I slid my shoes on, heading for the front door. Outside, the night was calm, the serenade of crickets playing. The house was really beautiful, even if it was run-down. There was so much potential in the house. Fresh wood. Fresh paint. Cleaning the thing up. It would be such a fun project to have. Hidden in the woods. No neighbors. I put my hands to the railing and pressed. The old wood cracked a little, giving way but not crumbling. I took a deep breath of the country air and smiled. I knew everything racing through my mind was all dreams. Truthfully, the only thing I wanted right then was for River to come back. I didn’t like when he wasn’t working legit at the auto garage. I had heard stories about what happened behind closed doors there. Guys dealing with stolen parts and cars. And then in the junkyards, they had illegal fights. They

would bet money on the fights, too. It was a scary way to live, but it was the only way River knew how to live. That’s what attracted me to him. He was the dark side, the bad boy that every good girl fantasized about. But with River, he never tried to pull me into it. He brought me close enough to fire, to feel the heat, but I never once got burned. I loved him for that. I went back into the house and forced myself to climb into the sleeping bag and shut my eyes. I didn’t expect to sleep, but I did. My body was warm and sore. My experience with guys was little to none, so River was everything to me. The biggest. The best. The hardest. The wildest. My body was a little mad at me for what I had let happen, but my heart and mind wanted more. I could have sworn I had only shut my eyes for a minute when I heard the rumble of a truck. My eyes popped open, and I jumped up. I grabbed my phone and saw two hours had passed. I really had to get home. I told my parents I was having a girls’ night with some friends. Since I wasn’t old enough to drink, I couldn’t use the

excuse of having too much wine and staying somewhere. They were protective of me, and I guess they had every right to be when you considered where I was and who I was with. I hurried to the window and peeled away the dusty, frayed curtains. I saw River standing in the bed of the truck. He was shaking hands with the other guys in the truck. It was such a weird setup. He never introduced me to those guys. Sometimes he was working just as hard as my parents to protect me. It was really sweet. I knew better than to go out to the porch until the truck was gone. So I waited and watched as River jumped from the truck. The vehicle then sped away, and River walked toward the steps with his head down. He touched the left side of his ribs and winced in pain. I hurried to the door and threw it open. I met him at the steps. I was on the top step, and he was a few down from me, putting us at eyelevel. Only River wasn’t looking at me. “You waited,” he said. “Of course,” I said. “Where were you?”

“Working.” “River, look at me.” River slowly lifted his head. I gasped at the sight of his face. His right eye was swollen and purple, even against the pale light of the house. At the corner of his swollen eye was a large cut, blood dried to his cheek. On the opposite side of his face, the corner of his lip was all torn up. He was sweaty and dirty, obviously beaten up. “How bad?” I whispered. “I took care of myself,” he said. “You should see the other guy.” “You always say that to me. Did you win? Not that it matters. Shit. Sorry.” I shook my head. I hated that I asked that question. I didn’t want to glorify what he did to make money. River reached back and dug into his back pocket. He pulled out a wad of cash and grabbed for my hand, placing the money in it. “Yours.” “What?” “You said your car needed tires,” River said.

“I don’t want you living off your parents anymore, darlin’. So they can’t hold shit over you.” “River…” “No. Listen to me. This is important shit. I want to take care of you. I want to provide for you.” “I don’t know what to say right now,” I said. “You’re going to go get some damn tires for your car,” River said. I touched his lip and wiped the blood on his shirt. “I can’t do this,” I said. “I mean, I can’t take this money. You…worked…” “I’m fine for money,” River said. “This popped up last night. Lance called me and said one of his boys was setting up something. Since I went last week, I was supposed to go, but the payout was going to be great if I did. People were going to bet against me. So I cleaned up good.” “You look like hell.” River laughed. Then he touched my face. “Darlin’, wounds heal. You’ll never know I was in a fight in a week, maybe two. This one was pretty rough. But the way I feel about you, that’s real.

That won’t heal. We’re forever, Lacey. You and me. Do you believe that?” “I do,” I said. “Then you’re going to keep that money. And there will be more for you. I know you have obligations at home and shit. I won’t let you let me get in your way. You’re going to finish college. But you’re going to do it your way and go for what you want. And I’m going to be there, cheering you on.” “What about you?” I asked. “Don’t you want something?” “I’m looking at the only thing I ever need in my life.” He was melting me in all the right places with all the right words. I tucked my money away and threw my arms around him. I kissed him, leaning into him. His hands grabbed my sides, and he winced in pain again. I broke away. “Shit, sorry.” “Never,” he growled. He lifted me up, pain and all, and carried me back into the house. He stunk of sweat, smoke, and beer. Yet I

couldn’t remember ever being so turned on my life. When he put me on my feet, I wasted no time in clawing at his clothes, wanting him naked again. I wanted to pick up where we left off. And we did. I touched his wounds. I kissed them. He loved me. Time sped by. He held me as I held him. That night, I would have married River. I would have done anything he wanted of me. But all he wanted was my time and attention. Something we were about to lose.

I walked through campus, hugging my Anatomy book on my way to a Philosophy class. I wished I could just take all the classes I really needed and not the junk filler ones. I used to like those classes, but sitting there, tapping my eraser to a notebook, I could feel the seconds weighing on me. Those were seconds I could have been with River. He was my obsession. He was my love. It was

something I could no longer contain nor control, even as much as it pissed my parents off. I needed to spend my nights with River. I got to wake up so many mornings in his arms. He had a small apartment, but it was a palace to me. To wake up together was a dream. Some mornings, he would get up extra early and make me coffee and breakfast. Other mornings, I got to do the same for him. I smiled wide as I thought about everything he and I had been going through. I was sure that soon enough, it would all work out. He was working more hours at the garage and fewer hours fighting. He even mentioned going to school to get some certifications or something in auto stuff. I couldn’t wait for that so I could brag to my parents about who River was becoming. I stopped to get a book that my Philosophy teacher required us to have. It was the first time that I wasn’t ahead on things. Normally, I’d have the book read and memorized. Now? I didn’t care so much. River sort of showed me how to live outside the box a little.

When I tried to buy the book, it wouldn’t go through. There was a problem with my account with the college. So I had to use cash to pay for the stupid forty-dollar book. I would have to wait until after class to figure out what was going on with my account. That was the beginning of the end for me. Why? Because when I went to investigate, I was given a simple answer. I wasn’t enrolled in that college anymore. I had been taken off their student list that very day at eight in the morning. I tried calling my mother. No answer. My father. No answer. I was left with no choice but to drive home and try to find them. I found them. At home. They were at the dining room table, waiting for me. My mother had a cup of coffee in front of her. My father stood behind his chair, trying to look tall and angry. There was a folder on the table. I didn’t have to say a word to know something

was very wrong. I had come to freak out about college, but when I saw their faces, I just knew… “If we told you, you would have gotten mad,” my father said. “Mad?” I asked. “You’re not enrolled anymore,” my mother said. “You’ve been accepted somewhere else, actually.” “What?” My father grabbed the folder and carried it to me. He opened it and showed me an acceptance letter to a college I never heard of, and one I’d definitely never applied to. But all I could focus on was the address. It was on the opposite coast. In New York. “What is this?” “Lacey, this is important for you. For us.” “All of us,” my mother said. “You think you’re making me go to a different college? To get me away from River?” “Lacey,” my father said. “I took a new job in New York. Right in the city. I know most startups are based here, and I’ve made a good living here,

but this is a big opportunity for me. And you deserve a better school. This can fast-track you to medical school. The man who is going to be my boss…his brother is the president of the university. So it’s all settled. You’ll start classes back Monday. Everything will be waiting, and you’ll be placed right where you want.” I was in shock. I shoved the folder back at my father. “No. I’m not doing it!” “Yes, you are,” my father said. “Lacey, it’s something that’s been on the table for months. Your father got the position. We have a realtor ready to go with this house here. It’s good to have change.” “Tell me this has nothing to do with River,” I said. I stared into my father’s eyes. He was kind but stern. He could never lie to me, either. “You know how we feel about him,” he said. “But we didn’t make this decision based on some guy.” “But I’m sure it helped,” I said. “Yes,” my father said. “You need to leave all

this behind you. You’re not going to get trapped with some dirty mechanic, struggling to make ends meet.” “He’s going to college!” I yelled. “He’s a good man.” “He’s hardly a man,” my mother said. “You’re both too young.” “He’s twenty-one!” I said. “I’m nineteen. We’re adults. What were you doing at twenty-one, Dad?” “I wasn’t doing what he is,” my father said. “You said you went backpacking through Europe.” “I was figuring out my life.” “That’s what he’s doing,” I said. “No, he’s not,” my mother yelled. She stood up. “I’m tired of this, Lacey. You’re our daughter and you do what we say.” “I’m an adult. I don’t need to listen to you. Ever.” “You’re going with us,” my father said. “No. I refuse.” “Then you’ll be broke and homeless. We’ll cut

you off from everything.” There I stood, my father threatening me. Putting me in a corner. Tearing everything I loved away from me. I slowly stepped back through the archway. “You leave right now, you better be back,” my father said. “That car is in my name. I paid for it. I will report it missing.” My jaw dropped. “This is for your own good,” my mother said in a soft voice, standing next to my father. They really hated River that much. I turned and stormed from my house. There was no way I was going to leave. I couldn’t survive without him in my life. I got into my car and sped away. There was only one place I could go. I needed to find River… so he could save me.

RIVER ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO

facedown in a busted engine when I I was heard someone whistle and call my name. I popped up and almost slammed the back of my skull on the open hood of the car. Mutty stood behind me, scarfing down a cheeseburger. He had ketchup on one corner of his lips and mustard on the other. He was a goddamn slob, his hands permanently black from working on vehicles, and he had no clue what really happened in the back of

the garage and in the junkyard. “Mutty, what the hell?” I called out. “I’m in the middle of a…” “Girl’s here,” he said. “Pretty one. She’s got tears running down her cheeks, man. I told her you were busy.” “Lacey?” I asked. Mutty snapped his fingers and pointed a finger at me. “That’s the one. What did you do to her, man?” He smiled, mashed up burger and bun stuck to his teeth. I ignored him and pushed by, slapping a wrench to his chest, making him take the tools. I grabbed a towel and wiped my hands as I bolted out of the garage. I found Lacey standing at the hood of her car, her hand on the bridge of her nose. She was obviously crying and obviously trying to cover it up so I didn’t know. Whoever hurt her was dead. Nothing could stop me from destroying anything or anyone that got in the way of the woman I loved. “Lacey…”

“I have to leave,” she blurted out. “What?” “My parents are forcing me to leave town with them. They’re selling their house. I’m going to New York.” “Wait, wait, wait,” I said. “Slow down for a second. Is this because of me?” “No,” she said. “My father got a new job. He reenrolled me into a new college already. I can’t go to school unless I go with them.” The words started to sink in, the crushing truth hitting me. “You have to leave…” “I told them no,” Lacey said. “I swear. I love you, River. I want to stay. But everything is in his name. He’ll take my car. I can’t go to school anymore. But I could…” Lacey started to pace. Left to right, left to right. “I could get a waitressing job. Right? I could work and save money. I could take the stupid classes one by one until I get them paid off and save up enough…” I tilted my head back and felt my heart being ripped into pieces. I threw my hand out and

grabbed her, stopping her from any more pacing. I pulled her close. I stunk like grease and she smelled like an angel from heaven. It was just the epitome of who we were together. Complete opposites. Except when it came to attraction, lust, and romance. “I’ll…” I chewed on my words a little. Shit, I’d drain every asset I owned for her. It wouldn’t get us much but probably enough for a semester at college. I could take up a second job. I could talk to my boss for more work. I could take on more fights. But that was a huge risk. One wrong punch and I was dead. “I’ll… talk to your father,” I said. “Let me figure out what the real intentions are.” “It’s too late,” Lacey said. “You’re not listening to me. It’s all done. He took the job. The realtor is putting the house up for sale. I’m already out of college.” “Okay. Let me figure this out.” “River, what do I do?” “I want you to stay, darlin’,” I said. “But you

can’t…” I envisioned our life. Staying put in this shit hole of a town. Struggling every damn day of her life to get by, me working, always running the risk of getting hurt or killed. She’d forever resent me. The town. Her own damn life, too. As I stared down into her eyes, I saw what she wanted. All of it. I was part of it, but there was something so much greater for her at the same time. “I can’t what?” she asked me. “You just can’t,” I said. “You’re telling me to go?” “No. Yeah. No. When is this happening?” “Right now,” she said. “My parents did all of this behind my back and it’s time to leave. We have right now together and that’s it. River…” “Lacey,” I whispered. “Ah, fuck.” I put my lips to hers. There were no words. I could steal her from her future and family. I could be greedy and hog her beauty and innocence all to myself. Fuck, that’s what I wanted to do. “River!” a voice bellowed. “We ain’t paying

you to tongue fuck someone!” I broke the kiss and rested my head against Lacey’s. I took a few breaths. “We’ll meet up after work, okay? They’re having a little party here for Big Jakey. His old lady is knocked up. Just come here, okay? We’ll talk this out. We’ll figure this out.” I backed away and Lacey grabbed for my shirt. Her knuckles were white and her hands were shaking. “Don’t you lie to me,” she said. “This isn’t going to end well, is it?” “I don’t know how I’m supposed to answer that,” I said. “I can’t lie to you, Lacey. I’ll go with you. I’ll follow you. I swear on my life I will. I don’t want you to lose your dreams because of me. Ever. If you stay…” “River!” the voice bellowed again. It was my goddamn boss, Hinky. He was a fat, bald, yet strong asshole. He would kill someone without thinking twice. And he’d do the time, get a way out, and rebuild his life. You did not want to fuck with Hinky.

“I gotta go,” I said. I backed up, not wanting to turn around. I watched as Lacey stood there for a few seconds, eyes wide, filling with tears. She finally got back into her car and drove away. I kept backing up until I crashed into something. I spun around and Hinky had me by the arms. He started making kissing sounds at me, his fake white teeth shining. Something snapped in me. I threw my head forward and smashed his face. He stumbled back and grabbed for his mouth, blood visible. “Fuck,” I said. “Hinky…” Hinky spit on the ground and wiped his mouth. “You love that little piece of ass, huh?” “Yeah, I do,” I said. “Get back to fucking work.” “I’m sorry, Hinky.” “Fuck off.” He walked away. I let out a sigh and tilted my head back. Somewhere inside me I envisioned

when Lacey and I would be torn apart for good. I thought there’d be a warning, though. Some sign. Shit, even some time to prepare. But not this. She was being ripped right out of my arms and my heart. I went back to work, needing to keep shit with Hinky calm. Last thing I needed was to be buried alive for pissing off my boss. Then again, maybe that’s where I was better off. I was about to lose Lacey.

It was after eight and she was nowhere to be found. The sun burned against the horizon, another day come and gone. Music blasted from speakers hung in the corners of the garage, the back doors open so the music flooded out. Hinky had the guys hang lights from one building to another, giving us plenty of light to keep the party going. There were some picnic tables, card tables, and plenty of people. Everyone congratulated Big Jakey and his old lady

on the coming baby. I just hung by the side of the building, waiting to see those headlights pull into the lot. I only planned on having a couple drinks. But once nine rolled around, I was checked out. She was gone. She was fucking gone. Her shit packed up and gone. Loaded up on a moving truck and shipped across the damn country. There she’d go to a good college, get her medical degree, meet some fancy fucking doctor as a husband, and the rest would be history. At least she’d get everything she wanted in life though. I eventually gave up the shots and went right for the bottle. The guys were partying and singing but I wasn’t in the fucking mood for that shit. I wandered over to another garage and opened it. I flicked on a small light and climbed up on the hood of a beater car we were using for parts. I looked around and realized this was what my life was going to be. A fucking mess. Second hand shit. I’d forever be dirty, greasy, struggling to rub some

nickels together, hoping to make a dime. Lacey deserved more than that. I was the fantasy. I was the one who popped her cherry, not just in the bedroom, either. I showed her the wild side. The dark side. I showed her the bad boy side. She’d tuck those memories away and forever smile at them. But she didn’t need that life for forever. I raised the bottle and nodded. “To you, darlin’,” I whispered. “To all your dreams and hopes.” I drank and fell back, hitting the windshield of the car. I dropped the bottle and it shattered with an echo that died off into silence. I shut my eyes and wanted to slip away until tomorrow. I opened my eyes to the sound of my name. “River?” I sat up and saw Lacey standing in the doorway. “Lacey?” “I’ve been looking for you.” “Am I dreaming?” “Are you drunk?” I slid down the hood. “Yeah. I’m drunk.”

“River…” “What’s the verdict here?” I asked. “I can’t take this feeling in my chest.” That’s when Lacey started to cry. Without hesitation. She had been obviously holding that in all damn day. I threw my arm around her and hugged her tight. “I love you, Lacey,” I said. “River… I don’t want to go.” “But you have to go. I know it.” “I’ll stay,” she said. She looked up at me. “I’ll stay. Fuck them. Fuck all of them.” I shook my head. “You know what you’ll get if you stay. It’ll be regret and heartache.” “Don’t say that!” Lacey yelled. She pushed away from me. “Don’t ever say I’ll regret you!” “I didn't say that, Lacey,” I said. “But come the fuck on. Look at this town. Look at me! What do you want me to do? Get my head smashed in trying to earn enough to pay your bills?” The drunk words were slurring and coming out like daggers as they shot at Lacey. I wasn’t mad at her. I was mad at everything but her.

She swung at me, punching square in the jaw. I deserved that. I turned and slammed my fists onto the hood of the car. I then did it over and over, feeling my knuckles hurting, cracking open, the thundering booms echoing. Lacey dove at me and hugged me, trying to push me away. “I fucking hate this,” I said, my voice crackling. I had never cried in front of her. I didn’t plan on it then. If I did, it was the booze making it happen. “I’m sorry,” Lacey said. “For what?” “For what I did here,” she said. “For being in your life. For my parents. For everything.” I turned and was hugging her again. We were alone in the garage, the only sound our raw emotion. I fucking wished her parents could see that, understand what we meant to each other.

“I’m so drunk,” I said. “I can’t face this pain sober.” “I wish I was drunk, too,” she said. “We fly out in two hours.” “What?” I asked. It was like another punch to the gut. “They don’t know I’m here,” Lacey said. “I stole the car. He shipped everything off already. Bags are packed, too. They think I’m in my room.” “Do they hate me that much?” “It doesn’t matter. This is it…” “No, it’s not,” I said. “Like fuck it’s not.” “You don’t want me to stay,” she said. “Lacey, I want you to stay. But you can’t. You have a chance to become something. So, go become it. I’ll be here doing my thing. And we can meet up. We can fucking meet up. Yes. That’s how it will work. We meet up.” “River… what are you talking about?” “No, listen to me,” I said. I broke the hug and started to pace. “They’re going to fight us, no matter what we do, Lacey. So, go to college out there. Make them happy. Let me work here. I’ll

earn, save, and live like shit. Then in… ten years…” “Ten years?” Lacey asked. “Fine, sooner, whatever. On this night. This date. Whatever. We meet up.” “Why can’t we just be together in six months? A year?” “It won’t work,” I said. “You have to go chase that dream down, Lacey. It’s what you want. Go become a doctor.” “I can sneak out to visit you,” she said. “And you visit me. We can figure it out, River.” Reluctantly, I nodded. I hurried back to her and took her hands. I squeezed them and pressed them to my chest. It was the booze making me think crazy and making me think that my plan was amazing. “Time can’t tear us apart,” I said. “Neither can distance. You’ll always be my girl. My woman. My love. I swear to you.” “So, you want to meet me right here?” “No. The woods.” “The woods?”

“Where I took you that one night. Remember? From the abandoned house. We walked to the path and went to that big ass rock.” “Yes, I remember.” “We put the sleeping bags down and watched the stars all night. We watched the sun rise. We laughed. We…” Lacey grinned with tears in her eyes. “Yeah, we did everything that night into the morning.” It was an insane idea, but it was all I had. It got Lacey to stop crying for the moment. Then, I held her and talked about every great memory I could possibly think of. I put her on the hood of the car and went and shut the garage door. I locked it. I took her right there, right on the hood of the car. I thrust inside her with a pain in my chest that I never thought would go away. (And it took years to even subside.) When we finished, we were out of breath, sweating. Lacey touched my face as our lips kept kissing, counting down to what would become our last kiss. “Ten years,” she whispered.

“Or sooner,” I said, my voice slurred. “But you have to be ready. No fucking up life for me, Lacey. I’m not worth it.” Lacey playfully bit at my lip and her eyes filled with fresh tears. We had to break apart. She had a flight to catch. I walked her to her car and opened the door for her. The night was already starting to become a blur in my mind. My stomach was doing back flips like crazy. The swirl of a drunk tornado was starting to kick up, too. I kissed Lacey one last time, a kiss I wouldn’t remember. I stood there and watched her back away. That would become a faded memory. The second she was out of sight, it all hit me. What had I said to her? Meet her in a year? Five years? Ten years? Meet her at the big rock near the old house? The entire lot started to spin faster and faster. I turned to my right and tried to run but fell over my own two feet. I hit the ground hard, just as my

stomach let go. I threw up all over the lot, screaming as I did so. Nobody came to my aid, though, because their music was still blasting. That was okay, though. I wanted to be alone. I turned and leaned against a rail. I was a fucking mess. And that’s when I started to cry. I was sure I’d never see Lacey again.

LACEY ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO

T

he plane touched down and I was on my way to my new house. My new life. My new everything. I promised myself that nothing would change. My feelings for River would forever remain strong. In my head, I started the countdown. Maybe it would be ten years, maybe less. But no matter what, the second I was done with college and on my own I would go to our spot and find him. I would love him for the rest of my

life, no matter what. What I didn’t expect was the truth of time and how cruel of a bitch she could be. Five years later, everything changed. A guy was on his knee, proposing to me in front of my parents. I said no. And at that exact same time, across the country, River was on his way to jail. Two hearts, ripped apart, forever lost. I wouldn’t find him and he wouldn’t try to find me… so we would remain forever lost.

RIVER A FEW YEARS AGO

on the beach with a bottle of whiskey. I sat The bottle was half gone as the sun was half set. Pounding the entire bottle was not going to be a wise decision on my end, though. Last time I did that I woke up to a lifeguard blowing his whistle in my ear. I left the bottle of whiskey next to me and watched the rest of the sunset. My thoughts were running fast and hard. I probably just looked like I

was relaxing after a long day of work but it was anything but that. Yeah, it had been a busy day at my tattoo shop, but there was no relaxing. Tomorrow was the day. Shit, for all I knew, I was just a blip on the radar of memories in Lacey’s mind by then. Getting shipped off to New York, going to a new school, meeting new people, all that newness could easily overtake all the old stuff. Would that have been the worst thing in the world? Not a chance in hell. Maybe Lacey was meant to be nothing more than a wild fling for me. And I was meant to be the one who showed her the ropes a little. I couldn’t accept that, though. I refused to accept that. I forced myself to stand and I watched as the beach swirled around me for a few seconds. Being drunk was one thing, but the breeze only added to it. The wind flirting with my inner ear, making me sway even more than the booze. I thought about Belle, too. I’d been dating her for six months. She was a firecracker but good at heart. She gave me a key to her place and we had

started to play the whole house thing for a little while. I’d wake up to coffee made. She’d offer to do my laundry. Date nights were implied. And date nights started becoming movie nights at her place. Popcorn, wine, beer, and we were lucky if we made it halfway through the movie before things got hot. Two nights ago, she curled up in my arms on the couch. She hugged me and let out a sighing groan. She was comfortable. She was falling for me. I wanted to fall for her. But there was a switch in my heart that wouldn’t allow it to happen. So, I broke up with her this morning. Before work. I half expected her to show up to my tattoo shop and grab a tattoo gun and give me something custom on my back, but she stayed away. I broke her heart. But that would mend with time. If I stuck it with her and broke her life, that would make me a piece of shit. I walked away from the beach, dumping the whiskey bottle into a trashcan, and back to my shop. I fumbled for my key and went through the

back door. I sat down at my clutter-fucked desk and spread papers to the left and right, clearing a spot for me. I grabbed a piece of paper and grabbed a marker. CLOSED FOR FAMILY ISSUE. SORRY. WILL BE OPEN AGAIN TOMORROW. I grabbed a piece of tape and walked through the dark shop. I pressed the handwritten sign to the door and let out a long sigh. I touched my right front pocket of my jeans. The ring was there already. I’d sleep off the whiskey, grab some coffee and something greasy for breakfast, and then I’d drive. Back to where it all began for me and Lacey. Then I’d wait for her. All day. And if and when she showed up, I’d drop to one knee and give her the damn ring in my pocket. I should have done it the night she left. And if she didn’t show… I’d just have to keep waiting.

RIVER PRESENT DAY

refilled my shot glass without asking. I P ecker reached into my back pocket, found a crumbled-up twenty, and put it on the counter. I nodded at him and he nodded back. He was the best bartender in town, knowing when to keep pouring and when to stop pouring. And there was a fine balance between the two. I was having a few drinks with Axel and Tate. Although Axel had been working on some blonde

at the other end of the bar and Tate sat like a stone, lost in thought. He seemed like he was worried about something, glancing at the door to Little Mikey’s each time it opened. “You expecting someone?” I finally asked Tate, breaking up our silence. “No,” he said. “You ever think about your own shop again?” Changing the subject. Nice. “Never,” I said. “Why?” “I like where I’m at,” I said. “You got a good thing at St. Skin. Don’t worry about me skipping on you.” “I always worry about that,” Tate said. “I try to be fair in everything I do.” “And to be fair, Tate, I’m sipping whiskey and letting the day roll off my back,” I said. “Why the hell are you worried about me opening my own shop?” Tate grinned. “Fuck it.” “But since we’re on the subject…” “Of what?” Tate asked.

“Tomorrow,” I said. “I need the day off.” “Okay.” “The whole day. I’m going out of town.” “Out of town?” “I have something to do.” “You just found out about this now?” Tate asked. I reached under the bar and touched my leg. I felt the ring in my pocket. How did the hell another year fly right by? “Tate, trust me,” I said. “I just need tomorrow off. I have a thing I do each year.” “What thing?” Axel asked, joining the conversation. “Just a thing,” I said. “A promise I made to myself. Something I do every year.” “Tell me this involves a woman,” Axel said. “Is this why you got right off that beauty of yours?” “Shit,” I said. “Yeah, sort of, Axel.” I looked at Tate. “What do you say?” Tate laughed. “You guys come and go when you want. I don’t give a shit. I’m not going to dictate orders at you. You know how I run things. Each

room in the shop needs to make money. That’s what I care about. Missing a day isn’t going to make anything collapse.” “I’m giving you the damn courtesy to know what’s up,” I said. Tate smacked me on my back. “You ain’t giving us the whole story, though.” “Nope,” I said. I grabbed my shot glass and threw the whiskey back. I flipped it over and slammed it on the bar. “Not a chance.” “Tell me you’re some broken-hearted lover,” Axel said. “Waiting for that one special woman to come back into your life.” “Eat shit,” I said. “Nailed it,” Axel said. He looked at Tate and made a gun with his fingers and shot. “See, I got the wisdom of divorce. I’ve been through the entire process beginning to end. This guy here got lost somewhere in the middle of it.” “You don’t know the half of it,” I said. “Then tell us,” Axel said. I looked right, then left. “Not a chance. We’re not some high school chicks looking to share

stories.” I stood up from the bar stool. “I’m taking the day off tomorrow. Nobody look for me. If anything changes, I’ll get in touch with someone.” “Have a safe trip,” Tate said, waving a hand. “I’ll spot you your first lap dance at the strip club when you get back to take the sting away,” Axel said and laughed. I turned around, shaking my head. That’s when a fist came flying right at me.

I somehow moved out of the way just as a guy flew right by me and into the bar. Axel jumped back and looked at me with what the fuck? eyes. Tate just glanced over his shoulder and shrugged. I grabbed the asshole by the back of his shirt and pulled. He spun around and tried to hit me again. I blocked his hit and threw a punch to his gut. I didn’t want to hit a stranger but I had to calm this guy down a little. The guy stumbled back to the bar and threw his right hand out, hitting Tate’s shoulder and spilling

his beer. It was like poking a sleeping bear. “Shit,” Pecker yelled from across the bar. I thought he was yelling because a drink spilled. No. He was yelling because Tate slowly stood up and cracked his knuckles. “You,” the guy at the bar said in a breathless voice, eyeing me. Tate wound up and threw a right, hitting the guy in the jaw. The guy flew to the left, straight into Axel’s arms. “Holy shit,” I said. “What the hell is this?” Axel threw the guy back to a barstool. The guy was holding his jaw. He looked at me. He looked at Axel. “It was you,” he said to Axel. “What?” “You’re hitting on my girl.” “Oh, shit,” I said, shaking my head. I almost took two punches for no good reason at all. Because Axel was hitting on a taken woman. “This is your problem, brother,” I said to Axel. “You tried to hit my friend,” Axel said. He

grabbed the guy’s shirt. “You take cheap shots like that? Huh? You want to do this the right way?” Axel stood the guy up and threw him back. He put up his fists. “Goddammit, Tate,” Pecker said from behind the bar. “Control your boys.” “Not my problem,” Tate said. “We’re off the clock.” The guy just held his jaw as Axel stood there ready to fight. Fuck. I stepped in between the two. I grabbed them each by the shirt. I looked at Axel. “Go get a drink. Find someone else to mess with tonight.” I pushed at him. Then I looked at the guy who tried to hit me. “And you. You ever try to fucking touch me or one of my brothers again and I’m going to break your jaw. Now pay your fucking tab and get the fuck out of this bar.” I shoved the guy back. He put his hands up and stumbled away. I looked around the bar and realized that was my cue to get the hell out of there.

I did, going back to my apartment, and I had a few more drinks there. I got good and drunk and stood on the balcony of my apartment and looked out into the night. I swayed as I gripped the railing tight. My mind peeled itself away from reality, slipping back into everything I thought I knew. What was supposed to happen. What I believed in and what should have happened. Goddammit, if she could have only seen me now. Not the wild guy acting like a fool outlaw. Not the guy that did a little time behind bars. Not even the guy on the beach running his own shop. But the guy right now. The guy who was living life waiting for a day like tomorrow to make everything right. To fix everything. I shut my eyes and lowered my head. I didn’t want to bury another ring in the dirt.

I woke up on the balcony and popped up. My throat was dry as hell and my head gently throbbed. That

was nothing a bottle of water and a couple ibuprofen couldn’t fix. I grabbed some coffee and changed into a fresh set of clothes. My room still smelled a little like Mary, so I opened the windows and let it start to air out. I sat on the edge of the bed for a second, rubbing my face. This was part of the yearly tradition. The guilt. The stupidity. Promising myself that today would be the last day. The last time I would do this. The last time I would piss away money on a ring that would get buried in the dirt. The last time I’d smoke myself sick, sitting on that goddamn rock, waiting for something to happen that just wasn’t meant to happen. “The last time,” I whispered as I stood up. I left the apartment and stopped to get a filling, greasy breakfast. Then I was off. Another drive. More time to think about how it all happened and how it all went down. “The last time,” I said as I turned off the road to the dirt road that would take me to the rock and to the cabin.

The truth though was simple. The last time…would be with my last breath.

LACEY PRESENT DAY

up a little lost and little more free. I woke There was no schedule to follow and nothing to really worry about. I casually strolled downstairs and made coffee. I opened the drawer —the infamous junk drawer—and I found an old pack of cigarettes. It was so dumb. But it made me think…of him. I didn’t need to look at the calendar on the

fridge to know what today was. I should have been on vacation. That had been my plan, and it hadn’t let me down yet. Skip town, distract myself, let the day pass. In the beginning, it had been really hard to do. And on the first-year anniversary, I was legit on vacation with friends. I was on the beach, hunky shirtless guys all around, everyone smart and rich, living a good life. I saw two people standing on a pier, kissing, the water as their backdrop. And it just sank into me. How much I missed River. How much I really did love him. I promised that time would help. But time didn’t help me at all. Time just made things worse. And each time I tried to get to him, something went wrong. It was like the universe was pushing me away from him. Screaming no to me the way my mother and father did more than once if I dared bring up his name. Once the bottom finally fell out and I took off, it was too late. River was gone. I took my coffee and my cigarettes outside. The back deck was comfortable. The sun felt good on

my skin. I drank the coffee and skipped the cigarettes. I licked my lips. I hated the way they tasted, and they did nothing good for me. But if I shut my eyes and took a drag, I felt whisked back to that abandoned house. Back to the first time I smoked. The first time I… you know. Both with River. My phone rang, and it was Bev. I snorted and sent the call straight to voicemail. She was begging me to come back to work. That wasn’t going to happen at all. I was done with that place. What I needed was to have a break and to refresh my mind a little. Find something new. Find what was next. I should have been a doctor, but I decided to chase a ghost. “A ghost,” I whispered. My phone started to ring again. I swore, if it was Bev calling again, she was going to get a piece of my mind. It wasn’t Bev, though. It was who I guess I could have considered my best friend, Karen. When I took off from New York, she let me crash on her couch for a long time. It was crazy to meet a

stranger like I did with Karen and for her to trust me, but there was a bond there. I answered the call. “Good morning, sunshine.” “You’re sitting outside drinking coffee,” Karen said. “And something’s wrong.” “Um…” “I’m right. I know I’m right.” “And why do you think that?” I asked. “Because you usually call me and ask me to go somewhere this week with you,” Karen said. I shut my eyes. Shit. She was the only person I ever opened up to about River. “I wasn’t sure if this is because of Kyle…” “No,” I said. “You know everything about that situation.” Again, Karen was the only who knew everything about Kyle. How I felt. What he meant. And why his death was so much harder than what met the eye. “So today is the day,” Karen said, emphasizing the last words because of what they meant. “And

you’re sitting home?” “For now.” “If you were going to bolt on the day, you’d be gone,” Karen said. “Maybe I’ll come visit you. Hey, I quit my job.” “No way!” “Yeah. Too much death. Sadness. And the corporate culture of dying? That’s not my thing.” “You were always too nice,” Karen said. “I know you love to take care of people, Lacey. You should take care of yourself. Do you have any money saved?” “Yeah,” I said. “I’m good for a little while.” “Then take your time.” “I am. I’m sipping my coffee slowly.” “With your two-year-old pack of cigarettes next to you?” Karen asked. “Are you spying on me?” I asked with a laugh. “No. I just know how you cope.” “It hasn’t failed me yet.” “But you’re not happy.” “Neither are you,” I said, taking the low-

hanging fruit. Karen got married in college and found out her husband had been cheating the entire time they were together with the woman who was her maid of honor. Worse yet, Karen was in love and naïve, and she’d signed a prenup that got her shit when the pieces fell apart. She left college and moved west, hustling two to three jobs at beach bars and restaurants to survive. Still, there could have been worse ways to live. Like hiding in fear like me… “Lacey,” Karen said. “Karen.” “What are you going to do today?” The question lingered for a long while. I didn’t answer. Karen didn’t talk. It was just silence on the phone. Finally, I asked, “Want to go to the beach?” “I’m working a double.” “Right. Of course. I’ll go to the beach myself.” “No you won’t,” she said. “I want you to know I’m here for you. If you need anything. To talk. To

cry.” “I’m not going to cry, Karen.” “You can, though. You should. Maybe get all that mess out of you. Or maybe the other thing…” “What other thing?” “You know exactly what I mean,” Karen said. “If you need anything, you text me or call me.” I ended the call and knew exactly what Karen was talking about. For years, I had been avoiding the actual reality of things, because it all seemed too crazy or too painful. I stood up and grabbed everything on the table and went back inside. I wasn’t on vacation. I was home. And I had no job. Everything was lined up for one decision for me to make. I was going to the spot…to see if River would keep his promise to me.

RIVER PRESENT DAY

through my normal routine. I first I went checked on the cabin. I did a walk-around to check for any damage from animals. I’d never seen an animal or any damage, but Richie warned me to check the place out no matter what. After I did my walk-around, I went inside. It smelled like the woods. The place was literally untouched. I shook my head, unsure about what the hell Richie was doing, putting a cabin smack-dab in the middle of

the woods when he didn’t need to. From there, I jumped back into my truck to go check on the old man. I’d grown up without a father, and while Richie was far from a father figure, he was the closest damn thing I ever had to one. I didn’t get to see him as much as I should have, but something was better than nothing. I gave myself a thirty-minute window to visit him and get back. I also purposely left a fresh pack of smokes on the big rock, just in case she showed up. She’d see the smokes and knew what they meant. I cruised up along the dirt road to Richie’s house, which was three times the size of the cabin, set against the backdrop of a valley that looked like it went on forever. He had been a successful real estate agent but lost his wife to illness and decided to give it all up. He sold his house, cars, and found himself a cabin to buy so he could live in the woods. He bought all the land he possibly could and avoided the real world as much as possible. When I pulled up to his place, he was standing

outside with a cigarette between his lips, a homemade sleeveless shirt, and blood running down his left arm. On the ground next to him was an axe and some freshly cut firewood. “Richie,” I yelled, climbing out of the truck. “What the hell are you doing?” “Fucking branch caught me,” he said, the cigarette bouncing between his lips. “I’m fine. I’m fine.” “Let’s get you patched up.” “The fuck you doing here?” he asked. “Wait. It’s that time again, huh?” “Yeah, yeah,” I said. Richie knew the area meant something to me, but didn’t know the full story. Only that it revolved around a woman. Shit, I personally thought the cabin near the big rock was built for me to live in so Richie could have a friend. But I wasn’t cut out for the mountain-man kind of living. Richie was, though. Even in his old age, he still pulled his weight. His facial hair was wild and unkempt, his hair pulled back into a ponytail.

He stunk of sweat, smoke, and booze. “Just wanted to come check on you,” I said. “How you been?” “Alive,” he said. “You want something to eat?” “No. I’m going back down for a bit. Pay a visit and leave, like I always do.” “Stay at the cabin,” he said. “It’ll do you good.” “Has anyone stayed in that goddamn thing?” “No,” he said. “For a real estate guy, that seems like a bad investment.” Richie shrugged his shoulders. “I guess the old age catches up fast.” I pointed to his arm. “You sure you’re okay? That cut looks nasty.” “I’ll fix myself up,” Richie said. “I always do. What the fuck do you really want here?” I crossed my arms. I leaned against the front of my truck. I sucked in a deep breath and let it out. “How long did it take you to get over your wife?” “Who said I’m over her?” Richie shot back.

“I’ve never been with another woman since. I plan on dying right here in this cabin or out in these woods. You’ll probably be the one to find me.” “Thanks for that visual,” I said. “What do you want me to tell you, River?” “What if someone was gone, meaning not dead? But they were gone. How long would you wait? How long would you keep coming back?” Richie grinned. “As long as I have to. There’s no time limit on how you feel. You come up here once a year to wait for someone, you do it until it doesn’t feel right.” “You should get into town more, Richie. Clean yourself up a little.” “Why? What’s that going to do for me? Won’t bring my wife back. Won’t mend the hole it’s left in my kids and their kids. River, I’m just up here doing my thing. Trying to be as simple and hidden as possible. So I’m not in the way. So nobody judges me.” “Maybe that’s what I’m doing too, Richie.” “Then go do it where you belong,” he said. “Look at me.” He patted his chest. “Heart’s still

ticking away. I’m breathing. I can see. I can hear. I’m good. Now get in your truck and go.” That was generally the extent of any conversation with Richie. It never got too deep, but deep enough to satisfy my need for something from someone older than me. I climbed into the truck and worked my way back down the mountain to the cabin. I parked and walked to the rock. The pack of cigarettes was still there. Untouched. I looked around and tried to breathe in what I was doing. Sometimes things just weren’t meant to work out. And usually, there was good reason for it. Something underlying that made it all okay. For me, maybe that was finally getting off that beach, away from the little shop, out of trouble, and into a room at St. Skin. I thought about Mary. I wondered if her heart was still aching for me or not. Maybe she had jumped into bed with someone else already, looking for temporary comfort. I thought about all the women I got rid of over the years. They were all placeholders. I’d

come up to this rock for a day and then spend a week or two drinking myself stupid. I’d clean up and find a girl and make her fall for me. I’d get my comfort in any ways I would need, right up until it was time for me to commit. Then I’d kick her out, convincing myself it was the right thing to do. Fuck, I was an asshole. I let the day settle into me for a little bit longer, thinking long and hard. Right now, there was life down in Hundred Falls Valley. St. Skin was down there. The guys were down there. The people that needed their stories told through ink. And where was I? Hiding in the fucking trees, waiting on a damn dream that had gone cold a long time ago. All I could do was hope she was happy. I grabbed at the ring in my pocket and dropped to one knee. I slammed my hand to the ground, curling my lip. “This is the last one,” I said. “I mean it this time.” I had the first handful of dirt when I shut my eyes. I felt like someone had ripped my stomach out.

I took a deep breath to calm down. And then I heard the sound of tires crunching over rocks.

I looked up, and I swore it had to be a damn mirage. A car pulling up along the dirt path. Only a crazy person would try and navigate these back roads in a car. All it took was one little slip and you were screwed. Hell, and if it started to rain, you’d sink into the ground without four-wheel drive. But sure enough, there was a car coming. I slowly stood up, blinking, half-convinced the car was going to disappear. Nope. The car made a right turn and stopped. The dirt fell out of my hand. I wiped my hand on my jeans. I tucked the diamond ring away and took two steps forward. Whoever this was, they were sure as hell lost. I’d probably have to help them get off the mountain and back to paved roads

where they belonged. The passenger window started to go down. I crouched a little and gave a wave. That’s when I saw her face. Time fucking stopped. I froze. I couldn’t blink. I couldn’t even fucking think for a few seconds. It was her. It was Lacey. Ten years had stripped away any remaining girlish features and replaced them with a beautiful, womanly figure. Her face was as pretty as I remembered, her hair a little different, probably from dying it different colors or something. Her eyes were the same. Exactly the damn same. The eyes that could rip into my hard chest, find my heart, and tear it up in a way a fire could tear through the woods all around me. I stepped forward, my brain screaming that Lacey was here. She’d finally come! “Lacey,” I called out. “You’re here…”

Lacey just stared back at me. She was in as much shock as me. She probably figured I would never be here. Oh, but she had no idea. No fucking idea what I’d done year after year for her. “River,” she said. Her voice was soft, shaky, but it was her voice. Her angelic voice, something so unique that I could pick up on it if I were blind. I hurried toward the car. I had thought about this moment for years. Ten years, to be exact. Ten years I waited for her to come to this spot and meet me. And in all that time, I never really thought about what would happen. At some times, I pictured myself just dropping to one knee and showing her the ring in my pocket. Other times, I pictured her getting out of her car, jumping into my arms, and then the years would all be erased. Never did I imagine what would happen next. Before I could get around the car to the driver’s side door, the car started to back up. Then the car picked up speed. Lacey was trying to leave me again.

LACEY PRESENT DAY

I made the turn off the main road to the W hen dirt, I stopped. I couldn’t believe that I remembered where to go. Like it was engraved in my memory. All the nights I’d been with River as he’d drive his beat-up pickup truck along that dirt road. Most of the times, it had been night. The truck would bounce over every rock and into every divot in the road. He’d speed up, scare me so I’d reach for him. He’d pull me across the seat and

hold me tight as we drove. There were even a few times when I was too busy doing something else, and the last thing I was worried about was the road. We were always going to the abandoned house first, then the rock. The night I left, he was hammered drunk. The last moments of us together…his hands were all over me. Our bodies together one more time. Probably the last time I felt real pleasure. The kind that I could just enjoy without forcing it. Something real and raw. That’s exactly what River was. Real and raw. I started to drive again and really didn’t think my car was going to make it. The car bounced and bumped everywhere. But I had come so far already that there was no stopping me then. I saw a small clearing and the outline of a cabin through the trees. Then I saw the giant rock. There was no mistaking that rock. I started to cut the wheel to the right, and a figure popped up out of nowhere. It scared me, and I stopped. I shook my head and stared.

Honestly, I wasn’t a gambling person, but the odds of River actually showing up seemed to be slim to none. So when I saw River standing at the rock, I didn’t know what to do. I honestly thought I’d go there, be alone, cry longer than I needed to do so, and then go back home. Instead, I put the passenger window down as though that would erase the image of River standing there. It didn’t work. He was really there. It was really River. My eyes walked down and back up his body, seeing him as the man he had always been. There was never a boyish thing about him. Even if I tried to convince myself for years that River was just a boy I used to love. It’s what attracted me to him so instantly all those years ago. His face had aged a little, but he managed to age with perfection. That cut jaw, complete with scruff. The shape of his face. His eyes, those beautiful brown eyes that could take my pulse from resting to panic in a second.

“Lacey,” he called to me. “You’re here.” His voice trailed off as he approached the car. I figured he would stick his head into the passenger window. Then what? What are you going to do, Lacey? What are you going to say to him? It’s been ten years. How hard did you really try to find him? How hard did he really try to find you? Why now? Why… “River,” I managed to say, just needing to get his name off my chest. River started to walk around the front of the car. I gripped the steering wheel. Suddenly, our entire past flashed through my mind. From the wild beginning to the heartbreaking end. Everything my parents said and did. Being whisked away to another state, across the country, forced into a new college, a new life. Trying to manage. Thinking I found love twice. Wearing an engagement ring for a little while. Almost wearing another one. Before I knew what I was doing, I had thrown the car into reverse.

In the big open woods, I felt like there was no air to breathe. My car crept backward as I stared at River. A quick look of hurt and confusion swept across his face. I shut my eyes for only a second, but in that second, I lost all sense of direction. I opened my eyes, hit the gas pedal, and looked around. I was flying back, and I cut the wheel to turn the car. I hit the dirt, bounced over some rocks, my body instantly panicked. I looked over my right shoulder and tried to straighten the wheel, but it was too late. There was a big tree that looked hardly an inch away. I slammed on the brakes, cut the wheel to the other side, and felt the car skid and stop with a thud. No, I hadn’t hit the tree. I’d lost my back left tire to a small ditch off the dirt road. I put the car into drive and hit the gas pedal. The car tried to move forward, but I was stuck. The tires spun and pulled but there was no getting the back tire out of the ditch.

I looked forward and saw River walking to the end of the gravel driveway. He stood there and stared at me. How stupid did I look then? Waiting ten years to see him, then freaking out and trying to escape. I released my grip on the wheel and showed my hands like I was busted criminal. I shrugged my shoulders. River started to walk toward me again. If the day couldn’t get any more overwhelming… I burst into tears.

Just like that, River was back in my life. He opened the door to my car and offered his hand silently. I took it, tears running down my cheeks. I got out of the car and wanted to jump into his arms. I wanted him to lift me up and hold me. Carry me away from everything. Instead, I just stood there, looking up at him.

He was still holding my hand. “Lacey,” he said. “You came. Finally.” He didn’t ask about the tears. He didn’t make me feel stupid for crying. Because that’s not what he did. He never made me feel stupid or guilty or worried. He never tore into me over anything. Yet I had just tried to run from him. “River,” I said. “Holy shit. River.” He laughed. His smile was addicting. The only time I could say he looked cute. He slowly reached up and wiped away a few stray tears off my face. “You got yourself there,” he said. “I know. I fucked up.” “No, you didn’t fuck anything up, Lacey.” “I don’t know why…” I shook my head. “River, I didn’t think you’d actually be here. I’m sorry.” “Don’t be sorry for anything,” he said. “You came. I’m here. It’s what we talked about, right?” “I just…I don’t know what to do next.” “The good news is that nobody travels this back road. So your car is fine the way it is.”

“It’s stuck.” “I can get you out of there, okay? But before that, come for a walk with me.” I just stared at him, feeling lost and in awe. This felt like the first time I’d met him. Through all the people in the world, it was his eyes that were locked to mine. His command over me. We walked to the big rock. Just seeing it there was enough to give me butterflies. Memories flooded through my heart and my mind. The nights. The stars. The warm whiskey. The warmer kisses. I looked at River and felt a warmth spread through my body. Ten years. Ten full years. “This is where we said,” he said to me. “This spot right here. Right?” “Yeah.” I pointed behind River. “Is that cabin yours?” “No,” he said. “A friend built it. He doesn’t use it that much. I have a key to the place. I come up and check on things. Check on him.” “You’ve been here more than just today?” I

asked. River put a hand to the rock and grinned. “Ten years, darling. What have you been doing for ten years?” I smiled and shook my head. “Nothing that seems important now.” “Hey. Anything you do is important, Lacey. You know that. Nothing matters but going forward from here on out, okay? We did it. We made it through whatever we had to to get to this moment. That has to mean something, right?” “I’m sorry I tried to drive away,” I said. “I panicked, River.” “Why?” “I didn’t think you’d be here,” I said. “You were always living so fast. I figured you’d be doing something amazing by now.” River grinned. He reached for my hand and took it. How could ten years feel so long yet the simple touch of his hand to mine make it feel like it had only been a week since I’d seen him last? “I’m a tattoo artist,” he said. “I work a little ways from here in Hundred Falls Valley. A shop

called St. Skin.” “I’ve heard of that place,” I said. “I’m an hour north of here. I actually ended up in Washington for a long time.” “Wow. You skipped back across the country, huh?” “Yeah,” I said. “It’s a long story.” “And it just so happens I’ve got nothing but time,” River said. “And you don’t have to run from me.” His thumb slid over my hand. His touch sent tingling through my arm and right to other places. “It was more than you just being here,” I admitted. “Meaning what?” “I saw you and it all hit me again. Ten years, River. The memories of us played, but then I wondered about you. Girlfriend? Married? Kids? Life?” “Would that hurt you?” “I don’t know,” I said. “Is that bitchy of me to say?” “God, you’re so beautiful, Lacey,” River said.

“Look what time has done to you. I should be the one jealous of everyone that’s gotten to meet you and experience you in the past ten years.” My lips made an oh shape, but no sound came out. He was still as sexy as ever. Not just in his looks, either. Slowly, River reached with his other hand, touching my waist. Things were moving way too fast, even as they were moving slow. I stuttered forward, and River made a quick move, spinning me around. My back was against the rock. It was like really stepping back in time then. The last time I was in that position, it had been dark. And River started kissing my lips, then moved down to my neck. Then he kept going…and I looked up to the stars…and by the time he was done, I was seeing stars and I didn’t need to look to the sky to see them. River was close to me. So fucking close. I lifted my hands and put them to his chest. He was sturdier than I remembered. New, hard muscle. Bigger muscle. Muscle earned through

years of surviving. “I need to know,” I said. “About you.” “Darling, I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t true to me.” “What does that mean?” “It means there’s nobody but you,” he said. “I’m not married. I don’t have kids. I don’t have a girlfriend.” “Shit,” I whispered. River reached beyond me and got so close I could smell his skin. I shut my eyes for a second as I did so. The rush that went through my body was everything that had been missing. It almost seemed cruel and unfair that he had turned into this wickedly beautiful man. His big arms, muscles cascading everywhere. His short and messy hair. The kind of hair where he just woke up and lived, not caring what it looked like. And being a tattoo artist? That was a huge turn-on. I knew River was meant for something like that. He was forever drawing, showing hints at an artistic side, but never able to explore it because he was either fighting for money or hunched over a car,

trying to fix it. “I’m prou…” The words stalled in a whisper. River then showed me a pack of cigarettes. “For old times’ sake?” I smiled. “I thought you’d never offer.” River backed away a little, and I just stood there, looking at him. He was here. I was here. The boy I used to love. The words rang out in my mind as he lit a cigarette. My heart raced. He was as cool and sexy as I could ever remember him. River glanced at me and half-grinned. I never thought this moment would actually happen. Which left me with one question. What happens next?

RIVER PRESENT DAY

wasn’t the right word. Fuck, the B eautiful right word didn’t even exist for what Lacey looked like as she leaned against the big rock, her right arm tucked under her breast, her left hand holding the cigarette to her lips. She was goddamn stunning, a reminder that all the hearts I broke along the way really meant nothing to me. “You still smoke?” I asked her. “Not often,” she said. “I heard it’s bad for your

health.” I laughed. “Yeah, I heard that too. Sorry I corrupted you back then.” “You did more than corrupt me, River,” Lacey said. “Yeah, I did,” I said. “So, tell me about the last ten years of your life. Are you a doctor?” “No,” Lacey said. “That didn’t work out.” “So, your parents ripping you across the country didn’t work out? Who would have thought?” I felt like I was being a dick. I had no reason to be a dick to her. “River, I’m so sorry about that,” she said. “And everything in between. Time just…” “Darlin’, it doesn’t matter now,” I said. “I’m sorry I said that.” I took a deep drag of my smoke, dropped it, and stepped on it. “But the way I see it is this - we’re here. There’s a cabin. I have a key. You didn’t come all the way up here for a tenminute visit, did you?” “I don’t know,” she said. “And considering your car is stuck, I guess

you’ve got nowhere to go.” Lacey’s cheeks turned red. She finished her smoke and put it out against the rock. It took everything inside me not to grab her and kiss her. I balled my fists up tight, trying to keep myself under control. Trying to keep the situation under control. I thought about the ring in my pocket. My plan to just drop to one knee and ask her to marry me. That was insane, right? I knew nothing about her. “I really have nowhere to go, River,” Lacey said. “I quit my job.” “What did you do?” “Hospice care nurse,” she said. “I would help those who were dying. Try to monitor them. Give them as much comfort as I could as they went.” “Sounds like a hard job.” “Some days, yeah. Someone I got close with passed away. Then there was some personal stuff going on… I just couldn’t deal with it. So, I quit.” “Always a bad ass, Lacey.” She laughed and snorted. “Me? Bad ass? Hardly.”

“Whoa, wait a second,” I said. “You’re the one who used to lie to get out of your house. You used to sneak with me in my truck to the old abandoned house. You did whatever it took to get what you wanted.” “That’s true,” she said. “I guess I am a total bad ass.” “Not to mention after ten years you showed up here. That’s a bold move.” “The truth… it’s more desperation than anything else.” I saw the look on Lacey’s face. It resembled the look the day she came to the garage to tell me she was moving. She was hurting. The last ten years hadn’t been kind to her. And it was probably my fault. “You know, my life took a few twists and turns,” I said. “I’ll stay for the day and night,” Lacey cut me off. “Oh?” “I have no job, River. I’m not broke, though. Don’t think I’m here looking for money.”

I laughed. “Darlin’, I’d empty my pockets for you.” And that would include a diamond ring. Not to mention that handful of diamond rings buried right behind you. “How about something to eat?” she asked. “And maybe getting my car out of that ditch?” “That’s a tall order,” I said. “Considering the cabin has no food. And if I get your car out of that ditch it gives you a way to leave me again.” I said it with the notion of joking but when Lacey lowered her head, I realized I had fucked up. I hurried over to her as she hugged herself. “Hey, hey,” I whispered. “I was just kidding with you.” She shook her head. “It’s not that, River.” “Look at me, darlin’,” I whispered. I gently touched her chin and made her lift her head up. Our eyes locked and I could see the fresh tears waiting to pour. “Fuck, Lacey, what is it?” “What happened to us?” she asked. “I think about it and I can’t get an answer. I see us standing

there, talking. You were so drunk. Do you even remember it?” “Shit, of course I do,” I said. My index finger was still touching her chin. “I would never forget that. I drank myself almost stupid at that party at the garage. I hid by myself, sitting on that rundown car. When you came in… there wasn’t enough booze to cure the hurt, Lacey. I don’t remember exact words. I was drunk, yes. But I remember talking about meeting here.” “Still, it just doesn’t make sense,” she said. “We caved just like that. I gave in. I took off. You… I thought you would chase me.” “I wanted to,” I said. “Maybe I should have. But who was I, Lacey? I turned wrenches to feed myself. I threw punches to keep myself alive. I saw guys go down for good in those fights, you know? Guys would end up paralyzed, some even dead. That town… me… it held nothing for you. You were supposed to be a doctor.” “I fucked that up,” Lacey said. “I fucked everything up. Including you.” “You didn’t fuck me up. I did what I wanted

when I wanted.” Lies, Lacey. Everything was about you. Everything I said and did. “We should have run away together,” Lacey said. “We can’t go back now. We can only go forward. But I want to hear everything that happened. I want to know it all, if you’ll share it. I promise you that. And if you need someone to chase you, darlin’…” Lacey put her hands on my chest and spread her fingers wide. I felt her wanting to push me but resisting the urge to do so. “I needed it then,” she said, her voice cracking. I moved forward and wanted to kiss her. That’s when she mustered up the nerve and shoved me away. I thought for a second she was going to slap me. Instead, she hugged herself again. I knew my place right then and there. The wounds may have healed. The scars may have been hidden. But the pain was still real. I stared at her. I should have chased you. Day to day. Across

the country. But I wanted you fucking happy. You were meant to go and be happy, Lacey. Why didn’t you find happiness? Today was supposed to be the last time I came to this fucking rock and waited for you. And now you’re here. What the fuck do I do now? I knew what I wanted to do. But I decided to stick with what I needed to do. “I’ll go get your car out of that ditch.”

I carefully hooked up to the front axle of her car. I just needed to pull it enough to get the driver’s side back tire out of the ditch. She was lucky she didn’t go any further. If she’d ended up with the car completely off the road and in the ditch we’d be in big trouble. I was on my hands and knees as I checked to make sure I wasn’t going to damage anything. Lucky for her, my pickup truck was built like a beast and could handle her tiny-ass car. I got up on my knees and wiped my hands on

my jeans. All I needed to do was put her car in neutral and then find a good spot to back up my truck so I could pull her out. Then I’d turn the car around for her so she didn’t end up in trouble again. As I was on my knees, I felt my jeans tighten against my leg. The ring pressing through the pocket to my skin. Fuck. What was I thinking all these years? That she would just show up and it would be normal? Be what it was? That she would go ten years without me to do what: become a doctor and not find love and not find what she wanted in life, just to wait around for me? I had dueling stories in my mind and my mouth was damn dry for a shot of whiskey to ease my nerves. Then I saw a shadow climb over me. Lacey was standing behind me. Watching that shadow over me drove me damn crazy, too. I wanted it to be her body over me. “I’ll have you out of here in a few minutes,” I

said. “You didn’t get stuck all that bad.” I climbed to my feet and turned to face Lacey. She jumped right at me like she wanted to attack me. I caught her by the waist as her hands touched my face. She was on her toes but still unable to actually kiss me. I lowered myself down in a hurry and lifted her, bringing her lips to mine. My hands slipped up her body as we kissed. I was just inches from touching her breasts. Her lips were as sweet as I remembered. A delicate honey flavor that I had been missing for way too damn long in my life. I sucked in a breath through my nose, knowing right what I wanted to do. Turn her around, put her on the hood of the car, and take her. Pick up where we left off, right on the hood of a car. I broke the kiss like a fool and let the tip of my nose touch hers. “I shouldn’t have said what I said,” she whispered. Her breath tasted delicious. I wanted all of her. The good. The bad. The everything in between. “You should have said it,” I said. “And keep

saying it. I should have gone after you. I should have never let you slip away like that, Lacey. I just wanted you to have the best life possible. Running wild with me wasn’t going to give you that. Trust me. But if I ever had the chance to go back…” “You can’t,” Lacey said. “Right? We’re here now, River.” “Yeah, we are.” My hands gripped at her sides tightly. I still had her on her toes. I laced her lips with one more soft kiss and let her go. She had me on fire. My heart, my mind, my soul. I opened the door to her car and put it in neutral, then made her climb into my truck with me. I looked behind and saw a big enough space between two trees to back up my truck. “What if it breaks?” she asked. “No offense, but the only thing that could break here is your car,” I said. “But I won’t let that happen. What were you thinking driving a car up here?” “I was thinking I needed to see you,” she said.

I grinned and put my truck into reverse. The resistance from the weight of the car was instant. I slowly pressed the pedal. My truck groaned and bounced a little. The car started to move. It eased to the right, starting to face me. “Fuck,” I whispered. If I pulled forward, even a couple feet, the car would go right into the ditch. “River…” “I got it,” I said. I floored the truck for a second and the car started to pull out of the ditch. I couldn’t give it too much, though, or else I ran the risk of the axle cracking. I curled my lip as I gassed up the truck even more. The car started to move again and pulled forward, right out of the ditch and back onto the road. I put the truck between two trees the best I could and didn’t let up until I knew the car was safely on the road. Then I pulled the emergency brake on my truck and got out so I could take Lacey’s car out of neutral. When I got back to my truck, I crept it forward

to release the tension and then parked it for good. I looked at Lacey and nodded. “We’re good.” I got out and was back on my hands and knees, taking the hook off her front axle. I checked the damn thing, too, to make sure there was no damage. Once again, when I got out from under the car, Lacey was right behind, hovering over me. I stood and turned to face her. “Did you ever love anyone else?” she asked me. “What?” “Ten years, River. You can’t tell me you didn’t fall for someone else.” “I’m not with anyone else, Lacey. I waited for you.” “You waited for me. For ten years.” “Yeah.” “Did you love anyone else?” “Did you?” I asked. “Why does it matter?” She blinked fast. Damn, this was all really getting to her. “Hey,” I said. I reached for her arms and she broke away.

“No,” she said. “I feel… no.” She hurried around me and walked to the edge of the road. I stood and watched and wasn’t sure what my next move should be. I wasn’t going to leave her standing there, whether she wanted that or not. All this time between us, I wasn’t going to let some raw emotion push her away even more. When I got next to her, I just stared forward. “I know how this feels,” I said. “No, you don’t. I haven’t had a normal day since I left. I hope you get that, River.” “Darlin’, I get that. I get shit all the time for this.” “What do you mean?” “Nothing,” I said. Fuck. I didn’t want her to know about my obsession of coming up here. Or the rings in the dirt. Or the ring in my pocket. “It hasn’t been normal for me,” I said. “I was really lost after you left. I lost my job at the garage. I took up more fighting. I wanted to get hurt, Lacey.

I think in some ways… I wanted out. And then I…” “You could have come across the country to me,” she said. “You could have found a way. Every time I heard a noise I hoped it was you. Throwing rocks at my window. Tapping at the door. Doing anything to sneak over and see me.” I hung my head. I wasn’t going to argue with her. I wasn’t going to force her feelings to the bottom of the pile. Lacey was the most important person in my life. Even in her absence she was still the most important person. “You’re right,” I said. “I’m right?” she asked. “That’s all I get. Ten years and I get ‘you’re right’?” I looked at her. I grabbed for my pocket. My own aggravation was starting to kick up. My lip started to curl as I gritted my teeth. Lacy barely even looked at me. “What do you want me to say?” I asked. “I’m here right now, Lacey. That’s what we agreed on.” “And you suddenly started following the rules,” she said.

She turned and took a step. I saw her foot slide and I grabbed for her. It was too late, though. She was going to go down. Her arms flew out as she let out a little cry. The dirt road was safe but the sides were deceiving as hell. The ground seemed to be forever soft and all it took was one wrong step to be eating dirt and worms. I managed to wrap my arms around Lacey and turn both of us. Now we were both falling, but it was me who would take the brunt of the fall. My back hit the ground, Lacey on top of me. I slid a little but I dug my heels into the ground and stopped the slide. Thankfully nobody was around to see what had happened. “What the hell was that?” Lacey asked. “That was you falling and me catching you,” I said. “Are you okay?” “Just dirty,” I said. Lacey had her hands on my shoulders. She took a deep breath.

“I said you’re right because I have no other excuse,” I said. My hands interlocked at the small of her back. “I hope you get that, Lacey. You don’t know the darkness that swept over my life when you left. My saving grace was you finding everything you wanted. And if you didn’t, then I’ll never be able to forgive myself. And I’ll do anything to make it up to you. Because I’ve been searching for ten years, darling, and it’s gotten me back to the same place where it all started.” “On the ground, holding me?” Lacey asked. “Exactly. You came here for a reason, Lacey. So, tell me. Open up to me, darlin’. There’s no reason to hide.” Lacey put her lips to mine. We kissed, right there in the dirt, halfway in a ditch. Almost the same exact spot where her car had gotten stuck. I ran my hands up her back and pulled at her. I loved the feel of her breasts against me. The taste of her gentle tongue as she tried to explore my mouth, but face it, I was the one in control. I put a hand to the ground and pushed. I sat up, taking Lacey with me.

She was straddling me. My hand grabbed at her ass. Ah, that great fucking ass of hers. I squeezed her ass, wanting those wonderful, womanly curved hips to work their magic. I wanted to see what those ten years of experience had given her. Lacey broke the kiss, hands pushing against my shoulders. Her lips were red from kissing me so hard. “Nothing is as good as you, darlin’,” I said. “I hope you know that.” Lacey bit her lip. Then she looked around. “Can we go inside?” “Of course we can,” I said. “I could probably get cleaned up a little.” We got to our feet and I helped Lacey back to the road. When she looked at my back and ass, she covered her mouth, laughing. It was refreshing to hear her laugh. It was everything I had been wanting to hear and everything I had been missing. I grabbed for her hand and led the way to the cabin. For the first time in a long damn while the pieces of my life started to make sense. The puzzle

was coming together. All because of the laugh and the kiss of one woman. I looked over at Lacey more than once. Each time I shut my eyes I pretended I was taking a picture of her. Somewhere in the pit of my gut, I knew this wasn’t going to work out the way I wanted.

LACEY PRESENT DAY

T

here was mud from the back of his head down to his butt. He had definitely saved me from a wicked fall and getting dirty myself. I just had some mud on my hands that washed away easily in the kitchen sink. The cabin was beautiful. A small and quiet little place, big windows in the front and back, a large open floor that was the main area with a fireplace against the center of the side wall. The

kitchen was small, able to fit basic appliances and a small two-seat bistro set that was next to a window looking out front toward the road. It was cozy. It was the kind of place where you could go and forget about reality for a little while. After I washed my hands, I left the kitchen and found River standing next to the couch, peeling his boots off his feet. He pointed to a door under the stairs. “There’s where the bathroom and bedroom are,” he said. “Upstairs is just a little loft. There’s enough room for sleeping bags, cots, whatever. I don’t know why I’m telling you this.” He smiled. “But I’m going to grab a quick shower. I’ve got dirt in places that it does not belong. When I slid, my shirt went up and… you know…” “Okay,” I said. “I’ll be here, I guess.” River walked toward the door and disappeared. I stepped over to the couch and touched the back of it. I looked around the place and something hit me. One of the nights in the abandoned house the two of us were in a sleeping bag together.

Sharing a little whiskey. Sharing a cigarette. River asked me if I wanted him to buy the house and fix it up. I said no. I said I wanted a little cabin in the woods. As the memory came back, I realized I was looking at the memory come to life. Then I looked at the bedroom door. River said this cabin was owned by a friend of his? Someone he knew? Because it sure as hell felt like the cabin I had described to him years and years ago. Right down to the loft that had windows on each side. I pushed away from the couch and walked toward the bedroom. I figured River would be in the shower by then. I could ask him about the cabin. Or maybe my deepest desire just wanted to see him naked. Just one more time. I had felt his chest and shoulders, but I wanted to see what they looked like now. My body, my heart, my brain, they were all confused. I heard the rushing of shower water and I put my hand to the door and pushed it open. I took two steps in and looked to my right to see River standing there in nothing but a towel.

I gasped. “Oh, sorry.” River turned. It was like life moving in slow motion. His chest was built bigger than I remembered. More cut with precise muscle. Where his chest ended his stomach muscles began. Subtle yet beautiful rectangles of muscle that dipped down behind the towel. His left arm from shoulder down to elbow was inked up with a half sleeve full of stories I knew nothing about. My eyes moved back up, looking at the scruff on his jaw. Up to his eyes. I wanted to know something. One thing. Do you still love me? The question lingered on my lips and tongue but I couldn’t bring myself to ask it. “You okay?” River asked me. I nodded. “Yeah. Sorry. I had a question about the cabin.” “Okay…” “Is this yours?” “No. Someone I know built it. He lives up the

mountain. By himself.” “Right,” I said. “Sorry.” River walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind himself. That’s when I finally felt like I could exhale. How could a man look like that and be single? He was gorgeous. The fighter who stole my innocence years ago was still there. There was just so much time to sort through and figure out. I looked at the clothes on the floor. The least I could do was try and clean some of the dirt off his jeans, right? It was my fault he ended up getting filthy anyway. I grabbed the jeans and lifted them up. Something fell from the pocket and hit the oval rug on the floor and rolled to the hardwood floor. It took me one glance to see the reflection off of the ring. A diamond? I dropped the jeans and crouched down, reaching for the item that fell from his jeans. Sure enough, it was a ring. It was a small diamond ring. A beautiful diamond ring. Nothing fancy.

Again, memories flooded me. The conversations we used to have after we were done exploring each other’s needs and wants. “You’d look good wearing nothing but a diamond ring,” River said with a wink. He took a drag of the cigarette and passed it to me. “Oh yeah? You putting it on there?” I took a drag. I only smoked when I was with him. Or if I was stressed out. I wasn’t a real smoker or anything. I wasn’t addicted. My body could only afford one addiction and that was River. He grabbed my left hand and stroked my ring finger. “I’d love to put a ring there, darlin’. The heaviest diamond in the world. So anyone who sees it knows you’re mine. And I don’t fucking share.” I laughed. “Stop. I’m not that kind of girl, River.” We were maybe too young to have that kind of conversation, but it was fun. Nothing but fun. I knew that River didn’t have money. He struggled to get by. I was struggling to figure out my next

move with college and all that real-life stuff. The only thing that made sense was River. “Then what kind of ring do you want?” he asked. I shook his hand from mine and held my hand out. My body tingled from what River had done to me but it also tingled with a fresh sense of excitement. “Small,” I said. “A thin band, probably silver. And then a perfect little diamond. Nothing in your face, but enough that you know what it is. Why have anything fancy on the band, right? I just want a diamond.” “You got it,” River said. I started to laugh. River took the cigarette back and took a deep drag. As he spoke, smoked danced around him. God, he was so fucking sexy. “I’m serious, Lacey. I’m going to get you that ring…” And there I was, all those years later, holding that ring. It was beautiful.

It was perfect. It was the exact ring I’d always wanted. I had been proposed to once before in my life and the ring that was slid on my finger then was nothing like this one. That ring was an investment. This ring was a symbol of love. “Love,” I whispered. I guess I had my answer from River then, right? Before I knew what I was doing, I threw the ring onto the bed. I covered my mouth. My body and mind wanted me to rush into that bathroom, tear open the shower curtain, and put him on the spot. Do you love me? Is that ring an engagement ring? Were you going to propose to me after ten years of not seeing me? If I mean that much… Instead, I looked to the door and made my move. I took off. I ran out of the bedroom toward the front door of the cabin. My keys were in my hand. I hurried outside.

I took a deep breath, but it wasn’t enough. I ran down the steps and out to my car. The emotions collected inside me more heavily than I ever thought they would. I didn’t know whether to be angry, sad, happy, cry, scream, or throw a punch. Ten fucking years of my life were gone now. Ten years that I could never get back again. And if River really felt the way he did… I started the car and looked in the rearview mirror. I half expected the cabin door to open and see River come running out in nothing but a towel. Tears filled my eyes. It was a heavy burden to bear. The thought of all that had happened with Kyle. Had I loved him? Yes. But not in the same way that I loved River. And Kyle was gone without knowing the truth. And River was right inside the cabin not knowing the truth. I knew the truth of everything. The way my stomach turned, my heart raced, my mind squeezed. The way my eyes filled with tears and I felt the insatiable urge to flee.

These were all the reasons why I took a vacation on this day each year. The first tear fell down my cheek as the car started to creep forward. I yelled at myself to stop. But it was too late. I was leaving. Again. Hello to another ten years of waiting.

RIVER PRESENT DAY

into the bedroom and it was a I walked fucking nightmare. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Then I saw the ring on the bed. Lacey had gone through my jeans and found the ring? “Shit,” I said. I walked to the bed and grabbed the ring. I held it up. This was the ring she always wanted. No

matter how many times I got hit in the head in those stupid fights or how hard time tried to squeeze away memories, anything with Lacey was still fresh. I dropped the ring and turned, running out of the room. “Lacey?” I called out. There was no response. I went to the window and saw the car was gone. Gone? Gone. I tore open the door and stood there in nothing but a towel. I could see the fresh tire tracks in the dirt, leading out of the driveway and to the left. Lacey was gone. She had seen the ring and left. So, after ten years of waiting, that’s how it went down. She showed up, got stuck, made out with me for a little bit, and then left. Regret settled in on me pretty quickly. The second she showed up I should have given it all to her. The ring. The words. My love. Everything.

I crossed my arms and leaned against the doorway. I was right back where I started. Alone at this goddamn cabin. A little sliver of my dream blanketed in my fucking nightmare. Maybe this time if I was going to lose Lacey, maybe it would be for good.

Prick poked his head into the room. “Hey, man, want to help me with something?” “Yeah, sure,” I said. I had kept myself busy with sketches for most of the day. I had an appointment coming in later. The shop was bustling with people. It felt like St. Skin would never calm down with business. People walking in hoping to be lucky enough to get one of us free. People who had scheduled appointments weeks and even months in advance. Whatever Tate was doing with the business, it was working.

Max passed by, shaking his head. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “If I have to do one more baby portrait,” he said with a grin. “This is crazy. Three booked back to back to back.” “Hey, we’re really busy here,” Prick said. He put a hand to my shoulder. “Come on, River.” “Sorry,” I said, shrugging my shoulders at Max. He went toward the back door, probably going to catch his breath. Tattooing was a hard job, but what Max did was true artistry. He did nothing but portraits for the shop and was the best I’d ever seen. Getting a picture of someone tattooed on your body was a big deal and it didn’t take much to make it look terrible. But Max knew all the intricacies of the body and skin, muscle, whatever, to find the right spot and how to use that spot to create tattoos that were as good as pictures. With what I did with my tattooing, I took a little more liberty in the creation of the art. Sometimes the smallest imperfections or on-the-fly changes made the tattoo all that more unique and special.

Max didn’t have that freedom, though. As for Prick… He stopped at his door and grinned. “What?” I asked. “You’re going to thank me for this,” he said. He opened the door and there sat a woman. A topless woman. “Whoa,” I said under my breath. The woman was young and beautiful. She had amber eyes and hair to match. She looked nervous as anything. I wondered just what the hell Prick had decided to drag me here for. “This is my helper,” Prick said. “This is River. He’s the best.” “Hi,” the woman said to me. “River, this is Ana,” he said. “She’s gotten her ears pierced several times but decided she wanted to get her left nipple pierced. That’s where you come in.” I looked right at Prick. I was not trained in piercing anyone. The only needles I dealt with dumped ink into skin. Sensing my pissed off attitude, Prick winked.

“You’re going to have Ana look at you. Hold her hand. Talk to her. I’m going to take care of the piercing part. It’ll be over before you know it.” I slowly approached Ana. I had seen plenty of topless and naked women in my life. Sometimes it was for pleasure and sometimes it was for work. I knew how to approach the situation with respect for the woman sitting there exposed. I grabbed a chair and sat down. I was just inches from her left breast. I kept my eyes on hers and she looked at me. “You okay?” I asked. “Can I squeeze your hand?” she asked. “Of course.” I gave Ana my hand and she quickly squeezed it. “I’m nervous,” Ana said. “Don’t be. It’s a quick pinch. You’ll barely feel it.” “You’re lying to me,” Ana said. “Okay, let’s get ready,” Prick said. I moved my eyes for a second and saw Prick

touch Ana’s bare breast. He was wearing rubber gloves, but still, he was touching her. I had no idea why the whole thing suddenly got to me the way it did. Maybe because I hadn’t enjoyed myself in a while, not since what happened with Lacey up at the cabin. It still made no sense to me. “River,” Ana said. “Look at me.” I looked at her. Her eyes were really pretty. She bit her bottom lip. I reached for her face, not even realizing what I was doing until my hand cradled her cheek. My thumb slid down to her mouth and she slowly parted her lips. Her teeth touched my thumb as Prick rammed the needle through her breast. She gasped, shut her eyes, and bit my finger. “It’s okay,” I whispered. “It’s all okay.” I had no fucking clue who I was actually talking to. When Ana opened her eyes, she blinked fast, a stray tear escaping. “That’s it,” Prick said. “You did it.”

I started to move my hand but Ana turned her head and nibbled at my thumb again. Then the tip of her tongue flirted with the tip of my thumb. Flicking up and down, up and down. She was eye fucking me and tongue fucking my thumb. “Good job,” Prick said. I took my hand away and backed up, keeping distance from Ana. I couldn’t stand up right at that exact second. I needed to let my body cool down a little. She looked down at her newly pierced nipple and smiled. “I love it,” she said. “Good,” Prick said. “How about the other?” “Not yet,” she said. Ana looked at me. “What do you think, River? Do you like it?” I turned and stood up. “I have to get back to work. Let me know if you need anything else, Prick.” “Thanks, brother,” he said with a sly grin. He had known what he was fucking doing to me. Trying to get me revved up so I’d shake the

Lacey shit. I didn’t talk about my past all that much but everyone at the shop knew something had gone down between me and an old flame. We were all like brothers but I swore sometimes they all could gossip like a bunch of high school girls. As I shut the door, I heard Ana ask, “So why do they call you Prick?” I shut the door, laughing to myself. Why was he called Prick? Because he was the piercing guy at the shop and because he was, indeed, a fucking prick. But he meant well. I went back to my room and sat down, looking at what I had to work on for the rest of the day. I opened the drawer to the right and took out a picture that was folded up. Unfolding it, I looked at the old picture of me and Lacey. She was beautiful then and even more beautiful now. If the ring really had spooked her, then that was on me. Now I just needed to fucking find her and explain everything. The last ten years were my story to share with her. No ink. No music to drown out the pain. Just an honest heart,

bleeding for her. That was the scariest thing I could ever imagine. The crease from the picture being folded was right down the middle, right between us. How fucking fitting.

There was a knock at the door. “It’s open,” I called out as I kept my head down, sketching away. The door opened and I figured it was Danny taking a lunch order. Truth of it was that I was more ready for a beer than some food. Drinking on an empty stomach helped to chase away Lacey’s memory. “Um, River?” a woman’s voice asked. I spun around in a hurry. Lacey? No. It was Ana. The woman whose nipple I helped pierce with Prick.

“Ana,” I said. “You get lost leaving?” “No,” she said. She shut the door behind her. “You want to get some ink done?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. She shook her head. She locked the door. “You never answered my question.” “What question is that?” “Whether it looks good or not.” Before I could utter another word, she lifted her shirt and bra. It was the second time seeing her breasts, but this time the intentions were polar opposite of the first. She had beautiful breasts. They were full, her nipples symmetrically round, perfect for piercing. Her left nipple a darker red, still irritated from the bar that had been forced through it. “It looks great,” I said. Ana was on the move, approaching me. I could have stood up and shooed her the hell out of there. But I didn’t. She walked right up to me and opened her legs.

She gently came forward, starting to straddle me. My hands tingled as I lifted them up to her chest. “Be easy,” she whispered. “I don’t do easy,” I said. She bit her lip and exhaled a long breath. Ana came down a little, putting her breasts right to my face. She’d become my lunch… and it’d chase away that lonely feeling for a little while…

LACEY PRESENT DAY

K

aren put a light blue drink in front of me. “I’m not drinking that,” I said. “One, you’ve already had too many to drive home,” Karen said. “So, you’re crashing on my couch. Two, this one isn’t from me.” “Then where is it from?” Karen leaned forward. “Hot guy at the end of the bar.” “Hot guy…”

I glanced to my right and a man nodded at me. I quickly looked forward at Karen. I grabbed the skinny stem of the fancy drink glass and eased it away. “No, no, no,” I said. “I don't do this kind of thing.” “Maybe you should,” she said. “What’s wrong with talking to someone? You barely have talked to me lately, Lacey. Something happened and you’re not spilling.” “It’s not that easy,” I said. “Then make it easy. Either drink until it comes out or go talk to that nice guy and see what happens.” “How do you know he’s nice?” I asked. “Just because he sent me a drink? Maybe he’s been watching me drink and just thinks I’ll be a cheap and easy lay.” Karen raised an eyebrow. “Things like that prove you need to get laid.” She puckered her lips in a kiss, then pushed away from the bar. She went to tend to her other customers. I just sat there alone, staring at the free

drink. I had planned on just visiting Karen but somehow I ended up having three drinks. So, yeah, maybe I was a little drunk. But I wasn’t going to let my emotions get the best of me. Mr. Sexy Drink could buy me anything he wanted but that didn’t mean I was going to (a) drink it and (b) go back to his place for whatever he wanted. So, I just sat there, right up until Mr. Sexy Drink came over to me. Figures. He sat down next to me, then reached out and hooked his index finger around the neck of the glass and pulled it toward him. “If you aren’t drinking, then I’d better,” he said. He took a sip from the straw and pulled away. “Sugary. Nine bucks for that? I don’t even taste the booze.” “You’re not supposed to,” I said. “It creeps up on you. Then you end up sitting here like me.” “Well, you’re not alone,” he said. He held his hand out toward me. “I’m Mitch.” “Lacey,” I said. “Now that’s a pretty name.”

You can’t use his lines. You can’t say things River said to me. Ever. Face it, anything this guy said or did, he would be compared to a man he’d never met. Maybe that was unfair but it was reality. Mitch sat there and drank the entire drink he bought for me. I wasn’t sure if that was his way of being cute or flirty, but it was a little weird for me. And it made him look cheap that he kept bringing up the nine bucks it cost him over and over. Karen gave me the eye a few times, wondering if I was having a good time. More than once I shook my head at her. She brought another one of my drinks, which I regrettably drank. That really settled in on me hard. Then Mitch started talking about his sales job. My mind went back to the cabin. That cozy little cabin. All the things that could have happened there. Should have happened there. At the very least, knowing what River had been doing for ten years. It was so unfair of me to get angry at him over not chasing me down. He did what he felt was

right for me and for him. And he showed up ten years later, as promised. I finally couldn’t take anymore at the bar so I stood up. The bar started to spin. I took a deep breath so I didn’t appear drunk. I reached into my bag and pulled out a ten. I put it in front of Mitch. “What’s that for?” he asked “The drink,” I said. “I didn’t ask for it. And you can keep the extra dollar, since you seem to need it more.” My bitch level was usually between a two and a three. Very rarely did I break the number five threshold. But for some reason, after hearing that guy ramble on like he had, it felt so relieving to pay him for the drink I didn’t want and he drank. I walked away, reaching for my keys, knowing that if I even thought about driving home it was a terrible decision to make. It made me think of Kyle. He was a stupid ass who had gotten himself killed in a car accident.

Poor Kyle. His family liked me. He liked me. On the outside I was this perfect woman for him. I wasn’t pushing for commitment. I wasn’t hounding him about the future. We were just… together. But it was all a lie. A big, fat lie. I made it to the door and felt someone grab my arm. When I spun around, I saw Karen as she started to move. But it wasn’t Karen actually moving. It was my drunk eyes and drunk brain spinning. “What are you doing?” “I have to go,” I said. “I can’t be here, Karen. I’m sorry.” “Shit,” she said. “I’m almost done here. I’ve got half an hour to go. Okay? Don’t bail on me, Lacey. Don’t do anything stupid. Sit down in a booth and I’ll get you something to eat. Try to absorb some of the alcohol.” “No,” I said. “No?” “I don’t want food.” “You can’t leave without me. So, what do you want?”

“I want another drink.”

Karen sat me down on the couch. She put a bottle of water in one hand and two pills in the other. “Poison?” I asked. “To get you a head start on tomorrow’s hangover,” she said. She sat on the coffee table across from me. “You don’t drink like this, Lacey. What’s going on? Is this because of Kyle? Losing your job? What is it?” I shook my head. “It’s because of River.” Just saying his name was like a dagger to my chest. I took the pills and washed them down with water. The thought of another drink was enough to feel sick. Lucky for me I wasn’t quite at that point yet. Close, but I had pulled myself away from the last drink, knowing what it would do to me. “Okay,” Lacey said. “I’ll help you get to the guest bedroom. Come on.”

Karen helped me to my feet. I stumbled my way through her apartment to the spare bedroom. She sat me on the bed and then went to get me a towel and a bucket. Just in case. But I wouldn’t need it. “Come on,” she said. “Take a deep breath and shut your eyes. You just need to sleep…” “He was there,” I said. “He was there and I left him there.” “Who? What are you talking about?” I laughed. “He wanted to propose to me. Ten years… and he wanted to propose…” “Lacey, you’re not making any sense.” I kept laughing. And then like the flip of a switch I started to cry. My emotions were a mess. “Oh, shit,” Karen said. She sat on the bed next to me and ran her hand through my hair. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on here.” I gave her the drunk rundown of how River and I agreed to meet up at that rock. How time flew right the hell by and that I always avoided that day with a vacation because I never knew if he’d actually show up or not.

“But he showed up,” I said. “I took the drive and he was there.” “Oh,” Karen said. “How did it go?” “I got my car stuck in a ditch. He pulled me out. We kissed a few times. Then he took a shower. I found an engagement ring in his pocket. Then I left.” Karen had both eyes open wide. Yeah, it sounded that crazy and it all was true. “Yeah,” I said. “Why did you leave?” “I freaked out,” I said. “I couldn’t stop getting angry. Over the entire thing. Why we let all those years get between us. He wanted me to become a doctor, find a man to marry, have kids. He wanted some kind of perfect life but I didn’t get it.” “What did you want for him?” Karen asked. “To come get me,” I said, my voice cracking. “My parents tore me away from him. And no matter what I did, I thought of him. I couldn’t find real love. I couldn’t live the way I should have. Maybe that’s my fault for hanging onto him so much. I should have let him go. But then I met Kyle

and he was the calm in the storm.” “You loved him, right?” I looked at Karen. My eyes filled with fresh tears. “Oh, shit, Lacey,” she whispered. She pulled me to her chest as I wept. “Shit. That’s why it’s hitting you so hard. You feel guilty about Kyle.” “Yes,” I admitted. “So guilty. But he’s gone. And River isn’t. I left him, though. And I can’t figure out why. I think it’s the truth.” “What truth?” Karen asked. “Everything we went through together. You can’t just erase ten years. I’m so angry that he didn’t come after me… but I didn’t go after him, either. I was taken from him. My parents made it clear that if I stayed with him they were going to cut me off.” “I know, I know,” Karen said. “Look at me, Lacey.” I looked up at her. “What?” “You either need to let it all go or figure it all out. There’s no in-between. We both know we can’t take back those years. You were somewhere

else and shit didn’t work out. I went through my own version of hell, too. If I think about it, yeah, it makes me angry. But if this guy showed up, that counts as something. The whole engagement ring thing? I don’t know what that could mean.” “Can I admit something crazy while I’m drunk?” “Of course.” “Part of the reason I took off,” I began. “Okay. What is it?” “The ring.” “The engagement ring?” “Yeah. Not only was it the one I dreamed about and told him about a long time ago… I probably would have said yes to him right there on the spot. That’s how much he means.” “Wow,” Karen said. “Wow is right. And I wasted it. I ran away. He probably hates me.” “Why don’t you call him?” “I don’t have his number. I only know he works at St. Skin, the tattoo shop. He became a tattoo artist, something that doesn’t shock me. He used to

draw things…” I smiled. “And he would get picked on for it…” “Okay, Lacey,” Karen said. “You need to put your head on the pillow. You need to sleep.” “I need him,” I whispered. “I need to see him. Talk to him. I need to fix everything. Ten years of everything. I need him to know I never loved anyone but him. I need to know if he loves me still.” Karen gently eased me down to the pillow. She pulled the covers up to my chest. Then she kissed my forehead. “Rest, Lacey,” she whispered. “Let me see what I can do.” My lips kept moving, but there was no sound. Just silent whispers about River. I was so lost in myself and my thoughts, I didn’t think about what Karen had just said to me. Let me see what I can do.

RIVER PRESENT DAY

phone kept vibrating over and over and M yover and over. I finally opened my eyes and grabbed for the nightstand. It was a text message from Axel. He was at my door. Wait, what? I sat up and threw the covers off me. I looked to my left and did a double-take, forgetting that I had invited Ana over for dinner. In reality, that meant ordering takeout, sipping some whiskey, and

enjoying each other’s company for hours. There wasn’t an inch on her body I hadn’t kissed, and there wasn’t a second of it all that I didn’t regret. Because it should have been someone else. It should have been Lacey. I snuck out of my own bedroom and through the apartment. I heard someone knocking on the door. “I’m coming,” I yelled. I flinched, not wanting to wake up Ana. I had to somehow get her out of the apartment without any weird feelings. I opened the door, and Axel stood there, waving his cell phone at me. “Two seconds away from giving your shit up.” “What are you doing here, man? It’s one in the morning.” “I’m a vampire,” Axel said, and he opened his mouth wide. “You’re drunk.” “I don’t drink and drive, asshole. I wish I was drunk. But some chick decided to blow up my phone. Looking for you.”

“What?” “The bar over outside Bansler’s,” Axel said. “I like to skip around here and there, you know? Keep things real. I’m like you, River. I have my days and moments when things weigh on me.” “You’re here because some woman is looking for me?” “Does the name Karen mean anything to you?” “Karen? No. I don’t know a Karen.” “She’s pretty serious about talking to you, man.” “Why didn’t you just give her my number?” “I didn’t want to give it out like that,” Axel said. “Wasn’t sure if it was some crazy ex or something.” “How’d she get your number?” “Fucking web site shit,” Axel said. “Just wait until Tate corners you and makes you set up a social media life.” “Fuck that noise,” I said. “This Karen, did she say what she wanted?” “She just needed to talk to you.” “And you seriously came all the way to my

place for that?” I asked. “You text me how many times? You couldn’t just send a message and leave it at that?” Axel grinned. “Okay, you got me there, man. You’ve been going through some dark shit lately. I didn’t want to add to that pile without being here with you. Just in case.” “In case what?” I asked. “Get to the point, Axel. It’s fucking late.” “Karen tracked me down to look for you,” he said to me. “It’s about Lacey.” “What?” I felt like I had just been injected with the strongest coffee in the world. “Yeah. Lacey. I guess they’re friends. Lacey is at her place. She’s looking for you.” “Lacey is looking for me?” I asked. “That doesn’t make…” “That’s what I was told. Lacey’s the one that got away, huh?” “You could say that.” “She’s not that far from here, either. So, you tell me what the next move is.”

I stood there in silence for a few seconds. When you were a kid, you were taught things by your parents or by finding shit out the hard way. For me, my parents were trapped in a debt and a marriage that came without love. So I learned a lot of hard lessons on my own. For example, if you touch a hot stove and get burned, chances are you’re not going to touch the stove again next time it’s hot. Right? That was Lacey. I touched and got burned. I had a pretty woman in my bed. We could wake up, talk, flirt, fuck, and see what would happen from there. But this was Lacey…the one. The only one. I looked at Axel. “Give me the number.” “You sure about this?” he asked. “What would you do if your ex-wife tried to track you down?” “I’d wonder how much fucking money she wanted,” Axel said, laughing. He rubbed his chin. “For real though? I’d probably let her find me so I

could fuck her one more time for good measure.” “No love there at all?” “Why does my situation matter?” Axel asked. “You want the number, I’ll text it to you. Make sure you know what you’re doing. Can’t have you going dark on us, man.” “I’m not going anywhere,” I said. “Thanks for checking on me.” “Try to keep yourself out of trouble,” Axel said. “Women have a way of just getting to that last little sliver of your heart and fucking with it.” “Yeah, I know,” I grumbled. Axel left, and by the time I got to the bedroom, my phone was lit up with the phone number that belonged to someone named Karen. A quick text exchange gave me all I needed to know. Lacey had gotten drunk and started to cry, spilling her guts about me. She really needed to see me again. I would have gotten in my truck right then and gone to her, but she was passed out cold. So I sat on the edge of the bed and kept looking back at Ana.

It was like the past was coming back to haunt me. My finding comfort in women. Wondering what Lacey was doing. And as far as her anger for me not finding her, there was something she didn’t know. I had found her. Once. Through a friend of a friend, I was able to check on her. And she was with some guy, and they were talking about getting married. I put my face into my hands. How many times could I break my own heart for the sake of the past? I was good for at least one more time, because I was going to see Lacey in the morning.

I managed to catch a little sleep. I got up long before Ana did, which was part of my plan. It was an asshole move to make, but I wrote a

quick note telling her I had to take care of some business. That was just how I dealt with women. Nothing could ever compare to Lacey, and nobody would ever stop me from getting a chance to see her and be with her. I left the note on the bed and nodded at Ana’s sleeping body. Then I was out the door and gone. I hit a drive-thru for a breakfast sandwich and coffee. Being up that early in the morning was not my kind of thing. But I told Karen I would be there by eight. I knocked on the door with two minutes to spare. When the door opened, there was a pretty blonde standing there, eyeing me. She was skinny, wearing a lot of jewelry and a lot of makeup. The kind that someone wore to cover up scars on the inside. Her eyes told a story of survival and pain. “You’re the famous River,” she said. “You’re the famous Karen,” I threw back. “You must be a really good friend to Lacey for this. Bothering me in the middle of the night.”

“She regrets whatever happened between you two,” Karen said. “Come on in. Want some coffee?” “Sure,” I said. I sat at a round table that had four chairs. Karen poured coffee into two mugs that didn’t match. I declined the cream and sugar she offered before she sat down across from me. She blew into her coffee as she stared at me, trying to figure me out. “We go way back,” I said. “You know that, right?” “Oh, I know that. You’re her one and only, River. I hope you know that.” “Yeah,” I said. “Things didn’t turn out the way I hoped…” “You had an engagement ring?” I raised my eyebrows in surprise. “Wow. You just get right into it.” “I’ve never seen her like I did last night. She’s never opened to me like that. I’ve known Lacey for a good five years. Maybe a little less. She and I

became friends as two lost people. I was going through a divorce, and she was fleeing everything she knew.” “Damn,” I said. “I had no idea. I wish I’d known. We made this stupid agreement…” “I heard about that too,” Karen said. “Anything she didn’t confess while drunk?” “Not much,” Karen said. “But I know she can’t go any longer without seeing you. Whatever happened between then and when you met up again…you two need to talk it out. She’s acting brokenhearted.” “I went to take a shower, and when I got out, she was gone,” I said. “I’ve known Lacey long enough to know that she has a deep fear of being let down,” Karen said. “I blame her parents for that. And maybe you, River.” That one stung a little, but it was welldeserved by me. “I understand,” I said. “She’s terrified. I get that. Maybe I’m terrified too.” Karen stood up from the table. “I don’t plan on

playing matchmaker or anything like that. I’m not going to be in the middle of whatever this is. I’m just helping a friend right now because she needs it. She has no idea you’re here.” “Nothing like a surprise after a night of drinking.” “Better than waking up next to a stranger,” Karen said. I thought about Ana in my bed. She was probably waking up about now. She’d read my note. Then what? Would she flip her shit and break something? Or would she just pack up and leave? The regret washed through me like a fastmoving sickness. I looked down into my coffee and hated myself. Whatever happened, good or bad, I needed to get to the bottom of everything with Lacey. No matter how much it hurt me. I was still staring down at my coffee when Karen spoke words that forever changed my life. “Well, there she is…good morning, sunshine.”

LACEY PRESENT DAY

my eyes and felt like there was an I opened anvil on my head. I looked around and felt relieved that I was in Karen’s apartment. The night started to get fuzzy after that guy bought me a drink. What was his name? Mike? Mitch? It didn’t matter. I sat up in the bed and groaned. To my right, there was a tall glass of water, a tall glass of orange juice, and two pills for the headache. I

vaguely remembered Karen giving me medicine before I fell asleep. Before I’d opened the waterworks and started to talk about River. “Oh, damn,” I whispered. I rubbed my forehead. River. This morning’s headache was brought to you by River. “Thanks,” I said as I threw the pills into my mouth. I washed it down with orange juice. Then I switched to water. I gave myself a few minutes and finally emerged from the bed. I stood up and was surprised to find the room not spinning. And my stomach didn’t bother me at all, either. I gave two thumbs up to the mess in the reflection of the mirror. And that’s exactly what I had become. A mess. I stumbled from the bedroom and went across the hall to the bathroom. The second I heard voices, everything in my

body stopped. My head snapped to the right. “She’s terrified. I get that. Maybe I’m terrified too.” That voice. I shook my head. There was no way. I went into the bathroom to splash some water on my face and wake up a little bit more. Then I decided that coffee was going to be only savior for this morning. As I maneuvered from the hallway through the living room, Karen said, “Well, there she is…good morning, sunshine.” I looked up to grin and reply, but I froze again. River slowly stood up from the table in her kitchen. I gasped. “Morning, darlin’,” River said. “What are you…” I looked at Karen. “What did you do?” Karen poured me a cup of coffee. She then put the empty pot into the sink. “I’m going to grab more coffee,” Karen said.

“Somewhere else. I’ll be back later.” Karen conveniently had her purse and keys ready to go. She left the apartment, and I was alone with River. River walked to the counter and grabbed the coffee mug. “One cream, three sugars.” He looked at me and grinned. “Two,” I whispered. “You used to take three.” “I changed my diet a little,” I said with a smirk. River walked the coffee to me, and I took the mug. I needed it. Either that or a stiff drink. But the thought of a drink made my stomach growl in protest. River leaned against the counter. “I think we fucked this all up, Lacey.” “Oh?” “Ten years ago, we were so damn young. And maybe in our hearts, it seemed so simple to just meet up and pick up where we left off. It didn’t work that way, did it?” “You had an engagement ring with you,” I said.

“I didn’t think you would really be there, River. But you were there. You were amazing. You were sexy. You kissed me so good. Better than anyone ever has kissed me. And you brought an engagement ring.” River looked away and sighed. “I can’t deny any of that. Especially the sexy and good kissing part.” He winked at me. I smiled. Fuck, he had a way of cutting into me. “Lacey, I brought that ring…somewhere in my heart, yeah, I pictured dropping to one knee the day you came back to me. And only because I wanted you to know how much you mean to me. That nothing or nobody could replace that. Ever. And time couldn’t take that away either. Fuck, ten years? Twenty years. Fifty years. Whatever. I could be ninety and blind, but if I felt your hand touch my face…” My throat felt like it was going to close. A few seconds of speech from River was more romance than I’d experienced in the whole ten

years we were apart. “I didn’t give you that ring for no reason,” he said. “I didn’t want to scare you, Lacey. I had been going up there for so long… I…” “Wait, what?” I asked. “Shit,” River said. He turned and moved from the counter. “Nothing, Lacey. Look. I just wanted to see you for a second. Karen worked hard to track me down last night. She said you wanted to see me. I just wanted to prove to you that I’m right here. I’d love to know about the past ten years.” Oh, hell no. I put the coffee mug down. “River. Look at me right now.” He turned again to face me. He was too close to the door for comfort. “How many years have you gone up there?” “I told you, I know the guy who owns all that land,” he said. “No. That’s not an answer. I want to know how many times you went up there and waited for me.” River ran a hand through his hair. He was older. Bigger. Stronger. But he was still the badass

twenty-year-old I first met. The man who swept me off my feet and stole all my innocence. He looked right at me. “Years, Lacey. Years. Okay?” “Years,” I whispered. “Why?” “I was drunk that night,” River said. “You know that. We talked about that. I couldn’t really remember. I remembered saying five years. Ten years. So I didn’t know. But I went there as much as I could, just in case. I thought that if something ever happened to you in your life and you were at your lowest, you’d be there. You’d go there for comfort and for hope. I wanted to be that for you, Lacey. Your comfort and your hope. I wanted to stand there as you arrived, and I wanted you to realize who I was. Who I am. No matter what the years did to us.” River then walked to the door and started to open it. Was I really going to let him leave? “No,” I said. “No, no, no.” River stopped. “No?” I moved through the kitchen at lightning speed.

Next thing I knew, I was grabbing River by his shirt. I swung my left foot and kicked the door shut. There I was, so much smaller than River, but I had him pinned against the wall. “No,” I said. “No what?” he asked. “It’s not fair.” “What’s not fair, Lacey?” “That we lost each other. For no good reason. I never became a doctor. I lost my way completely. I hid for years, fearing you were gone and doing something else.” River then touched my face. His hand stroked my cheek. “Oh, darlin’, I know. Maybe we should have never let it happen. But it did. We have right now. Our future. If you want a future.” “For the record, the ring was perfect,” I said. “And I’m sorry it freaked me out. I shouldn’t have seen the ring and I shouldn’t have left. I didn’t want it to become a one-day thing and then it’s gone.” “It can become anything you want,” River

whispered. “Everything is for you, Lacey. It’s why I’m standing here right now.” Oh, fuck. He was killing me. “So what do we do, River?” I asked. “I have to get to work. But when I’m done, I want you, Lacey. At the cabin. Right where we belong. I want to shed the last ten years. Can we at least do that?” I nodded. “River, I’ve been through a lot. I don’t want to mislead you into anything.” “You never would,” he said. “I came because Karen said you were asking for me. If you need to be alone or need to be away, I’ll respect that.” “I want to be with you, River,” I said. “But I don’t know…” River came down and kissed me. His lips brushed mine. I felt gross. Messy hair, morning breath, my skin probably stinking of the booze from last night. “Stop by the shop a little later,” he said. “Then we’ll take off from there.” I nodded and backed up. I bit my lip and River stroked my cheek one last time before leaving the

apartment. I was a complete mess as I stood in the kitchen. For an entire decade, it was like I’d worn some kind of cloak over me, hiding everything it possibly could. I was just inches from slipping into a false reality that would have swallowed me up and wasted my life. But now I had a chance to find my own destiny. A destiny that started a long time ago. With a bad boy who was now all man. And even if he’d broken my heart, at least I could say it was broken by the right guy. I looked down at my left hand, at my ring finger. I should have stayed. I should have waited. I should have said yes.

RIVER PRESENT DAY

T

he shop was busy. Some online publication had picked up on St. Skin, and we were named the venue of the week or some kind of shit like that. That meant there was a guy with a camera and a guy with a notebook asking questions, and that in turn meant I was expected to give an interview and share my thoughts on tattooing and what it meant. I had no interest in that shit, though. At all.

Prick popped out of nowhere as the guy with notebook looked at me. “Hey, bro, come here,” Prick said. We slipped into the back. “How’d it go?” he asked. “What?” “Ana. With the tits.” “Jesus, man.” “Come on, I sent her your way. That was my gift to you.” “I don’t need ‘gifts,’ Prick.” “Where is she?” “Last time I saw her, she was in my bed,” I said. “Fuck yeah! Damn, good. You knocked that shit out of your system.” “Not quite,” I said. “But thanks for trying.” I patted Prick on the shoulder and walked away. I paused after a few steps and looked back. “Don’t ever do that again though. I can take care of myself.” Out front, Tate called me over. “I’m not doing a goddamn interview,” I said. “I

have an appointment.” I looked and saw that Cass was basically in a corner, getting drilled by the interviewer about his previous life as a rock star. And how he turned from that life to being a tattoo artist and a father. Better him than me. Then again, if the interviewer knew about my past, he’d be right up in my face. Nothing against Cass, but the rock star life had nothing on mine. Try serving some time behind bars and keeping your fucking sanity. Tate put an arm around me and pulled me close. “And this guy here is another one of our best.” A camera flashed. “Fuck,” I whispered. “Make a fist and touch it with mine,” Tate said. My left fist across my body and his right fist across his body. “This is weird,” I said. “This is making us fucking rich,” Tate whispered. “So shut up and fucking smile.” I posed for another picture and was forced into

answering a few generic questions about tattooing. Then I was saved by my appointment. It was a guy named Jed who wanted to finish up his half sleeve. It ran from his elbow down to his wrist on his right arm. It started out with some tribal stuff he’d gotten done during a drunken stupor in Florida. Whoever did the original ink didn’t know what they were doing. So Jed came to me to fix it up. I suggested he just go with a halfsleeve. I came up with a few designs, and he fell in love with the idea. Some days, I was in my chair, inking people up, bringing stories and memories to life. Other days, I sat there and felt like a fucking salesman trying to pitch an idea for someone’s skin. To help them make the right decision and to keep them from making a really bad one when it came to ink. As laid-back and hidden as I tried to be in the shop with all the social media buzz we had gotten, I took serious pride in my work. It was my stamp and my art, visible to the rest of the world. “Jed,” I said as we shook hands. “Come on back. Save me from this circus.”

“What’s going on here?” he asked. “Nothing important,” I said. We went into my room, and I shut the door. I plugged in my music player and let some hard rock blast through the speakers to drown out the noise in the front of the shop. Jed climbed up on the chair and had his earbuds out and was fighting with the wire. “So, we’re going to finish this up,” I said. “I’m excited.” I put on some gloves and grabbed his arm, inspecting my work. You couldn’t even tell there’d was a shit tattoo there to begin with. In the beginning, Jed was just going to go with all dark colors. But then he decided to add in some colorful accents and shading, which was fine by me. I figured if someone was going to get ink, make it stand out. Make it bright. Make it say “fuck you” to anyone who dared to judge them for having the ink. “So, I’m to finish up around the wrist first,” I said. “Then we’ll take a break. After that, it’s all touch up work. I want to get this done, but if you

need to stop, you just let me know.” “We’re good, River,” Jed said. “I need this. I need to win something this week.” I nodded. “Then let’s get it done.” Jed put his earbuds in and gave me his arm. It was amazing what the ink meant to people. When we were younger, it was all about being cool. To be a teenager with a tattoo was instant coolness. Instant bad boy kind of stuff. But as you got older, you realized they were all stories. They were memories not saved in our mind, but memories we wore on our skin. Nothing else could be more special. With all that said and thought, I took a deep breath and got myself ready. I needed to be in the right mindset. Let the world slip away. Become a part of the tattoo that I was creating. The buzz of needle always made my heart jump. Lucky for me, I was good at what I did for a living. Why?

Because there was no focusing. All I could think about was Lacey. I would be anything she needed me to be. I just knew one thing for sure. She was never going to get away from me again.

I sat down on my stool and let out a long breath. It had turned into a really long appointment. Not by anyone’s fault, those were just the requirements of amazing art. Jed was happy. The noise out front had died down. Life was good again. Throughout St. Skin came the buzzing of needles and the music everyone chose to listen to. It was a mismatched mess of noise, but there was nothing quite like it. It was the closest thing to home I could possibly feel at that moment. I exited my room and went to the front to see if anything had been scheduled with me. I tried to

keep an open flowing schedule the best I could. I liked my sense of freedom; if the moment struck me and I had to take off for a day or two. Tate didn’t care, because he knew that I did great work and respected everyone in St. Skin and how they worked. What I didn’t expect to find was Lacey standing there, staring at the wall of tattoo designs. She was close to the wall, admiring all the different designs. Everything from wicked tribal stuff to hearts and skulls, all the way to a small gallery of animals. I stepped up behind her and said, “I can put a tiger right on your shoulder.” She gasped and jumped. She spun, and her eyes locked to mine. Nobody around us could possibly understand what that look of hers did to me. I still saw the innocent yet wild girl in those eyes. But her body had morphed into that of a beautiful woman. Curves showed up in places where they were meant to be. Curves that begged for my hands to trace along them, leaving their own invisible tattoo

memories for me to savor for a lifetime. “River,” she said. “You want to get something done?” I asked. “I’ve got time.” “No thanks.” “Do you have any tattoos?” “That’s a secret,” she said with a smile. She could always try to flirt, but I knew how to do it better. I leaned in and put my lips close to her ear. “I’ll find out one way or another, darling,” I whispered. I felt the heat between us sizzling. I was afraid the fire alarms were going to start going off. When I turned and grabbed at Lacey’s hand, here came Prick and Axel. Ah, shit. “And who do we have here?” Prick asked. “Guys, this is Lacey,” I said. “Lacey, this is Prick and Axel.” “Your name is Prick?” she asked. Prick winked at her. “Lacey, huh? Why is that name familiar?”

“That’s the one he’s been waiting for,” Axel said. “Built a damn cabin for her, too.” “Really?” I asked. Axel laughed. Then he looked at Lacey. “And you’re midnight wonder, huh?” “Excuse me?” Lacey asked. “Your friend, Karen. She tracked me down to track down River.” “Oh, this is getting interesting,” Prick said. “Give me more.” “There is no more,” I said. “Don’t you have work to do?” “Don’t you have a bed to clean out?” Prick asked with a devilish grin. I let go of Lacey’s hand and went after him. Axel quickly blocked the way, hand to my chest. “Easy, River. You know he’s an asshole. If that’s your girl right there, you better do something about it. You’ve been hinting about her for a long time. Now she’s here, huh?” “I’m leaving,” I said. “I don’t know when I’ll be back. My cell is on. My schedule is clear.” “Have fun,” Axel said.

I went to Lacey again, still pissed off that Prick said what he said. “Sorry.” “Do you have a girlfriend?” Lacey asked. “No, darlin’, I don’t. I promise you. I wouldn’t do that to you or anyone else.” “Okay,” Lacey said, unconvinced. “Hey, I swear to you,” I said. “I’m an open book, Lacey. I have nothing to hide from you. I’ve waited so long…I’m torn.” “Torn?” “Between taking it slow and loving you…or just throwing you to a bed and showing you what you’ve been missing for a decade.” Lacey’s eyes went wide. I planted a kiss on her cheek. I opened the door to St. Skin. We walked out and I looked back at the tattoo shop. The place had been my home while I was lost. But holding Lacey—I was found.

LACEY PRESENT DAY

next to River in his truck. He begged me I sat not to take my car up the mountain again. I had my bags in the back, and he was in control of the road. Inside myself, I was a twisted mess. It was amazing how so many roads could turn, end, and circle around, yet you never felt like you were actually getting somewhere. But the second I saw River standing at that bigass rock, I felt like my destination was in sight.

And nobody understood that. Nobody but River. I looked over at him and watched the way he gripped the wheel. It was stupid, but there was something about his grip, seeing veins in his hand, up his arm to where his tattoos started. The way the sleeve of his t-shirt fit so snug around his big arms. “Did you really build that cabin?” I asked. River looked at me, then back ahead quickly. “It’s not that easy of an answer.” “Why? Are you afraid of what I’ll say back?” “No. The truth is, yeah, I built the cabin. Most of it, at least. Took a long time to do.” “Wow.” “But it wasn’t for you,” he said with a grin. “Oh?” “The guy that owns all that land. He asked me to build it. I got to know him from going up there. He had a rough patch in life and sold everything he had and bought a shit-ton of land. He was a really successful realtor. Probably a millionaire. I ran into him a few times and he said he wanted to build something closer to the road. Hell, I thought

he was going to knock down the old house. Well, I think he was planning on that.” River glanced at me for a brief second. “That’s still standing?” “Yeah,” River said. “Don’t know how. But it is.” I made a small o with my lips and exhaled. The memories in that old house. The things I learned about River. A man’s body. The things I learned about my own body. I had to look out the window for a second. “So he put me up to the job,” River said. “I mean, I don’t know much about construction. He had other guys there. But he just knew that the area meant something to me. And it was, uh, nice to have something to do. I was getting settled into town and with St. Skin. It was a hectic time for me. Wouldn’t have taken much for me to fall off the rails a little.” “What rails, River?” I asked. “The ones that keep me from getting into trouble, Lacey.” “I heard a rumor that you were in jail for a

little while.” “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” River said. “This is going to be a give-and-take conversation, darling. I just gave you something about my past. Now I’m taking some of yours. How’d you end up on Karen’s couch, across the country?” I laughed, but it was a sad laugh. “I just kind of gave up on things, River. Got tired of it all.” “Tired of what?” River made a right turn, taking us off the road and onto the dirt path that led to the cabin, the rock, the old abandoned house. “Everything,” I whispered. “My life was on display, and I was just pushed and told where to go. Somedays I could deal with it. I would convince myself to imagine the bigger picture. Being a doctor. Being respected. Making my parents happy. You know, the normal stuff. The house, dog, kids, driveway.” “Driveway?” River asked. “Just something I pictured. A house with a nice driveway. I don’t know.” I saw the way his hands gripped the wheel

tighter. I was describing everything I had before to him, only he couldn’t give it to me then. But that was okay. It didn’t bother me—then or now. I wasn’t that kind of person. “I saw the way my parents were, too. They constantly had to reassure themselves that they belonged together. That’s not marriage or love. That’s convenience. They knew everything about each other, and it made sense to be together. I didn’t want that.” “But you had it,” River said. “What do you mean?” “Nothing,” River said. “Nothing. Keep going.” We were approaching the cabin. I picked at the edge of the seat of his truck. There was so much to tell. The truth wasn’t just one layer. This went deep. Really deep. I had been proposed to once. I had taken off. I had sort of fallen for another guy. And that guy had died. I looked at River. My bottom lip started to quiver. “It was just hard for me, okay?” I whispered. “Everything was hard for me. I spent so much time

stuck between a dream and a reality. The dream was you, River. Forever you. Hoping you’d pop out of nowhere to surprise me.” I hurried to reach for his hand. He made the right turn into the stone driveway, and his truck faced the cabin. “I don’t blame you though. Please know that. We were young and crazy when we started making promises.” River pulled his hand from mine. He then forced our hands to face one another, our fingers slowly interlocking. “Yet here we are, crazy promises and all,” he said. “What was your reality then, Lacey?” “Exactly what I just told you. Someone else. The house. The life. The convenience.” River swallowed hard. “You should have taken it all. You deserve it all, Lacey. I hope you know that.” “What if I’m right where I’m supposed to be?” The cabin of the truck suddenly shot up about a hundred degrees. My breathing started to feel a little funky, too. Staring into River’s eyes brought back all those hopeless butterfly feelings wrestling

in my stomach. Those same feelings I used to get when he’d take me to the abandoned house. Right before we’d start to touch… River reached out and touched my hair. He slid some behind my ear. His fingers eased to the back of my head. I already planned on kissing him, but I wanted to feel him pull me. I wanted to feel what it was like to truly be wanted. Needed. Demanded. I craved that sense of attention, and River’s eyes and innuendos were flooding me with all of that. River started to lean in on me. Then he paused. “And what was the reality for you, Lacey?” I slowly shook my head. “That’s the thing. There was no reality. It was just this life in front of me that I didn’t want. I got to a point where I couldn’t take it, River. I felt like I was drowning, and everyone around me knew how to swim. I knew the risk of talking about how I felt…and then it all caught up to me at once. I left. I went to go find a new reality.” “Did you find it?” “Not the way I had hoped.”

River moved in even closer. I’d never felt such anticipation with a man before. It was like River knew what another kiss between us would do, and he was giving me the chance to break apart. Our lips got even closer. Just a few centimeters apart. Then came the sound of a boom. Like a boulder had dropped onto the hood of the car.

I didn’t mean to scream like I did. It was just instinct. I looked forward as River did. There was a man standing at the front of his truck. He was all unkempt, almost homelesslooking. “Do you know that guy?” I asked. “That’s Richie,” River said with his lip curled. “He’s the guy that owns everything up here.” I exhaled and touched my chest. I didn’t know what had my heart racing more—the guy hitting the hood of the truck or being so close to kissing

River. Richie put his hands to the hood and started to play some kind of drumbeat. River then gave the horn a beep, and Richie jumped back. He then walked along the side of the truck to River’s window. River put the window down to greet him. “Did I interrupt something?” Richie asked with a smile. “Never knew you to be a joking man,” River said. “Jack of all trades,” Richie said. “Hey, you’re all set in there, River. You’re on your own with the firewood, though. I’ll stock the cabinets and fridge, but I’m not carrying firewood for you. Brought enough down for a little while though. You might want to get that inside. Heard there’s a nasty storm coming. Keep your eyes open for fallen trees.” “Thanks, Richie,” I took in the conversation. Did River have Richie get food and supplies? For us? Was that a romantic gesture or just a

gesture of survival? “You owe me,” Richie said. “Put it on my tab,” River said. “And if I’m not mistaken, don’t you owe me for building this thing?” “Now, to be fair, River,” Richie said with a bearded smile, “you were the one on the ‘trespassing’ list for how many years up here? If I charged by the hour even, oh, I would be a rich man.” Then Richie looked at me. “He spent a lot of time waiting for you, sweetheart. Hope it’s all worth it.” “That’s enough, Richie,” River said. “Thank you for helping me. Now go hike up that mountain and disappear.” “I’m serious about the storm, River,” Richie said. “Get yourselves all settled and stay in until it passes.” “Noted,” River said. Richie patted the open window, then pushed away. He disappeared for a few seconds, only to reappear in a massive, beat-up truck. It looked like a monster truck almost. He sped away and was

swallowed up by the trees. River threw open his door, and it made a groaning, growling kind of sound. I grabbed for him, wanting to know what his intentions were, but he slipped away. I got out of the truck and looked up to the skies. It was pretty clear out. Not that the weather actually mattered. River grabbed all of our stuff. I chased him down. “Did you plan all this?” I asked. River stopped dead in his tracks. He looked back at me. “Of course I did. I’ve been waiting for this for years, Lacey. I’m not going to hold back and waste another second.” His words cut through my heart and soul as he walked into the cabin. I was left behind. When I looked up at the sky again, clouds were moving in. There was a storm coming. Not just up in the sky either.

RIVER PRESENT DAY

the bags into the bedroom. I’d deal I threw with that situation when it came. Worst case, I’d sleep on the couch. I checked the fridge and cabinets, and I had to hand it to Richie. He did a good job helping me out. The move may have been hopeless and teetering on desperate, but I had no choice. If I was getting Lacey alone, even for one night, it was going to be everything I had been waiting for.

I grabbed a beer and turned to find Lacey in the doorway to the kitchen. “Want a drink?” I asked. “No thanks,” she said. “I’m a little chilly.” “I can build us a fire if you’d like.” “Sure.” “I have to bring all that firewood in anyway.” “What are we doing here, River?” The question was from left of field, but I was ready to deal with it. I walked across the kitchen and put my beer on the counter. I left less than a foot between me and the only woman I’d ever really loved in life. “You tell me,” I said. “You really kept coming up here? That man said you were here hours…” “Day until night,” I admitted. “What did you do while waiting?” she asked me. I reached into my pocket. No, I wasn’t reaching for an engagement ring. Although the thought of Lacey wearing nothing but a diamond ring was enough to make me harden immediately. Instead, I

took out a key and showed it to her. “What is that?” “I use it to cut into a few trees, for fun,” I said. “But this key…I owned my own tattoo shop. After my life took a wicked twist, I fought back. I had a little place on the beach. Right there on the beach, Lacey. This awesome little place. Anyone would kill to have it. But it was just a filler. Took up time while I waited for you.” She reached out and touched my hand with the key in it. I then opened her hand and put the key into her palm. I shut her hand and took mine away. “It’s yours anyway,” I said. “All of it.” “All of what?” she asked. “Me, darling. Me.” I touched her face, tracing lines down her soft cheek. She grabbed at my shirt with her free hand. She had a damn handful as she pulled at me. “You’re hiding still,” I whispered. “Whatever it is, don’t hide it. Not from me.” “Do we have a chance at this, River?” “We have a chance at anything you want.” “I feel lost, River. I mean, with everything in

my life.” “But you’re right here,” I said. “You said it to me in the truck. You’re meant to be here.” “And we’re meant to be what?” “I’ll be whatever you need,” I said. “I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m not asking you to love me. I’m not asking you to live with me.” “Then what are you asking for, River?” “Just to be in your presence,” I said. “Because it’s the only time I feel alive, and I feel okay.” I stepped back, needing to put distance between us. As romantic as I wanted that moment to be, I had to be honest. I was fucking on fire. A hot rage of lust coursed through my veins, searing me to my core. My hands balled up into fists. Between my legs, my dick was seething. I was filling up faster than I cared for it to happen. I wanted to take Lacey back to the only place of pleasure I knew. I grabbed the beer bottle with force and turned to go out the back door of the cabin. I threw the bottle back and chugged. One beer wasn’t going to control how I felt. One beer wasn’t

going to hide my feelings. One beer wasn’t to take away everything I had pent-up in me. I stopped at the pile of firewood that Richie had dumped for me. I put the beer down in the dirt and crouched. I filled my arms to capacity and stood up. As I walked around to the front of the cabin, I spotted Lacey. She was biting on her nail. Almost hugging herself, her index finger nail in her mouth. Fuck. The last time I saw her to do that, she had just gotten done telling me she was being forced to move to New York with her family. I walked up the porch and into the cabin. At the fireplace, I crouched and dumped the wood. I slowly piled it up piece by piece, wondering what to do next. Everything in my mind was all fucked up. I thought she’d show up ready for me. I’d give the ring. We’d have time together. Nothing but time. But she was afraid of something. She was holding back, hiding herself. Maybe she thought I would end up hurting her.

“Fuck,” I whispered to myself. I would never hurt her. I would spend my life trying not to hurt her. That’s why I never… I heard the soft, gentle roll of thunder outside. I jumped up and hurried back outside. I got another pile of firewood as I felt the first few raindrops hit my skin. I dumped them back inside and came out for the rest. By then, it was starting to really rain. I looked up and couldn’t believe how fast the storm had swept right in. A small gust of wind whipped by me, making the rain go sideways for a couple seconds, smacking the side of the cabin. The wind stopped, but the rain only came down harder and faster. Standing there like a fool meant the top pieces of wood were now too wet to try and burn. They’d just sizzle, bubble, and never really catch. Lacey appeared from the front of the cabin, standing there in the rain.

No, no, no, no. I couldn’t see her like that. Standing there. The rain hitting her. Her beautiful hair soaking wet, clinging to her head, face, her clothes. Her white shirt was soaked too, pulling tighter against her womanly figure. “I’ve been lost from the day I was forced to leave you,” she said. “I’m afraid of being found, River, but I never want to go through being lost again. Call me what you want, but it’s almost easier to convince myself it’ll be okay even when I don’t know that it will be okay.” I just stood there. I swallowed hard. “I almost died a few times, darlin’. Just wanting to give it all up. To find a way to lose myself for good. The only thing that kept me going through the worst of it all was coming here. To this spot. Standing there. Waiting for you. It was the one day of the year when I felt really alive.” “So, we just let all those years between us waste away? Never chasing each other down? What kind of love is that?”

Thunder slammed against the sky. The storm was getting closer. I gritted my teeth as I stared at Lacey. I wasn’t falling in love with her again, because I never fell out of love with her. But seeing her standing there, the rain soaking her, it was like we were being washed clean of everything. “I can’t answer that question,” I said. “I know why I did what I did. I can’t change that.” “To protect me.” “I wanted you to have the best life possible. The house. The fence. The driveway. Whatever you wanted. A guy like me…” “A guy like you who has lived his dreams,” she said. “That’s what I wanted. You, River. You!” She came charging at me. The rain picked up even more. The sound of it hitting leaves, branches, the cabin. It was a loud swooshing sound at that point. “Me? I’m standing right here, Lacey.” “But you weren’t when I needed you!” she yelled. Fuck, she was finally letting shit go. Letting

shit out. It was a beautiful sight, even if I was in the crosshairs. “You were goddamn drunk!” she yelled. She screamed over the rain. Over the thunder. A flash of lightening spread across the sky. A handful of seconds later, a crack of thunder shook the world so hard the ground shivered. “You blurted out about meeting in ten years!” she said. “Ten fucking years! What was I supposed to do? Just walk away and pretend like it was okay? Like nothing bad was going to happen? And you wanted me to just…what? Stop loving you? Marry someone else? Fuck you, River. Fuck you!” She jumped at me. Her hands smashed against the top pieces of wood. A piece smacked my bottom lip. Then her hands pushed at my shoulders, and she jumped up to hit me there. I purposely stumbled back, giving enough room between us that I could drop all the wood in my hands without having a piece hit her. I left my hands at my sides. She let out a yell that was choked up by her

coming tears. Another flash of lightning, another crack of thunder. The storm grew closer to us both. I just stared into those beautiful dark eyes of hers. The eyes that kept me going for so long. Eyes that I wanted to wake up next to everyday for the rest of my life. “I hate you right now,” she yelled. “And I want to love you. I want you to tell me why. Tell me everything. But you won’t even talk right now.” I stepped toward her and reached for her. Like a damn trained ninja, her left hand swatted down at my wrist, and her right hand shot up and across my face. I swore the hit was louder than the thunder. If I wasn’t bleeding from the piece of wood hitting, I was bleeding them. It was okay though. I could take it. And, shit, I deserved it. And, no, I wasn’t going to talk back to her. I wasn’t going to stomp on her beautiful raw emotions. She had been holding all of this in for a decade. The seal was broken, and the flood was

only just beginning. Lacey spun around and shook her hand, crying. I stepped up behind her. I put my hands to her shoulders. She quickly wiggled away from me and spun back around. Hair slapped across her face, clinging like it was glued. I’d never seen her look so beautiful in all my life. “I want to know why,” she yelled. “Not some made-up excuse, either. I want the truth from you.” “The truth,” I said. “Fine. That’s all I have to give to you, Lacey. I would never lie to you.” “Then show me something,” she said. Lightning, thunder, wind. The storm had engulfed the entire sky, stealing the blue, leaving a thick gray blanket over everything. The rain picked up even harder. It started to sting as it smacked against my bare skin. I stepped toward Lacey and grabbed for her hand. “Come on,” I said. I didn’t give her a chance to deny me. I just walked, pulling her along. My heart and my head were both racing at the same pace, which usually

wasn’t a good combination. I always counted on at least one or the other to pick up the slack and amount to something that resembled a decent decision. I dragged Lacey to the big-ass rock. I pulled her around and pushed her up against it. My hands were at her hips. Her hands flat against the rock. “You want to see something? You want truth?” I dropped to one knee in front of her. I never thought I’d have a moment like that. The shock on her face. The storm plunging down at us. The lightning and thunder closer in seconds, meaning the storm was getting closer. We had to take some damn shelter, and soon. But first… I clawed my hand into the wet dirt. I threw it back and did it again. And again. And again. I cleared out a spot around the pile of diamond rings I had brought up here. One by one. Year after fucking year. I then stood up and wiped my muddy hand on my jeans. Lacey looked down. Looked up at me. Looked

back down. I walked away. My heart hurt. It actually, physically hurt. Seeing all those rings. Feeling the rain. All my pent-up emotions hidden away for so long. “Why?” I heard Lacey cry out. I stopped. I turned. “Why what?” “Why all these?” The rain was smacking the ground so hard, mud and water flew up. Another gust of wind ripped through. Branches bent and sway, succumbing to the storm’s power. I stood tall and fierce. No fucking storm was going to take me down. There was only one thing in the world that could destroy me, and I was staring at her. Whether she knew it or not, she had all the fucking power in the world to control me, love me, or kill me. “Why all the rings?” I asked. Lacey nodded. I could see how heavy she was breathing, desperately trying to hold herself together.

I was breathing just as heavy, spitting out rainwater as I exhaled. “Why the rings?” I asked. “Because that’s what you wanted, Lacey. You wanted that ring. And each year I would call it off with anyone that tried to have a relationship with me. All so I could stay true to my promise to you. Because I loved you. Fuck, I still love you, Lacey. That shit just doesn’t go away. I couldn’t chase you down, and we both know that. I spent year after year thinking what I would say to you, and there was only one thing: to ask you to spend forever with me. To make sure that nothing could break us apart again. Ever again.” A huge smack of thunder sounded like it was just a few feet above my head. “I didn’t want to bring the same ring over and over to you. You deserve more. You deserve better. And each year…you didn’t show. So, I buried the ring. To bury the memory. To bury the hurt. So that I wouldn’t remind myself that you weren’t here.” “How many rings are there?” she asked. “Enough,” I said.” You can find out if you

want.” Another gust of wind. Another bolt of lightning darting through the sky. Another smashing clap of thunder. Lacey looked back and then at me. She came after me again. Her shoes stomping in the mud. Her clothes soaking wet, clinging tight to her body. I was ready for her to smack me, punch me, whatever she needed to get her relief. At the last second, she jumped off her feet and into my arms. I felt her legs wrap around me as she was eye level with me. The rain poured harder than any rain I’d ever felt in my life. I just stood there, holding her. “I’m here,” she said. “Now fix it, River. Fix forever.”

The moment had played out in my mind more times

that I cared to ever admit. Like some fool, constantly imagining the chance to get my hands on Lacey again. Strip her clothes from her body. Feel every inch of her skin. Savor every look, smell, everything that burned between us. I barely had her feet on the floor when I tore at her shirt. I fought the wet shirt and forced it up and over her head. It hit the floor with a wet splat. Her bra was just as soaked as her shirt, her perfect breasts pressing tight against it. Her skin broke out in goosebumps as she shivered. I grabbed her arms and slowly moved my hands up and down, wanting to warm her. I came in and kissed her. Finally. Our mouths touching, our tongues meeting at some halfway point before I took control of the kiss. My hands slipped to her back, and I unsnapped her bra. I wrestled the straps down her arms as Lacey clawed at my shirt, peeling it off my wet skin. It quickly clung right back, though. It felt like I had a weighted vest attached to my body. I broke the kiss and took the shirt off myself. My eyes fixed themselves to her breasts. They

were as beautiful as I ever remembered. Her nipples were tight, pink nubs, the rest of her skin still shivering from the rain water. I grabbed her waist and held her where I wanted her. I lowered my mouth to her chest. Her hands shot to my head, scratching at me, moaning my name as my tongue gently danced down until I found the comfort of her left breast. My mouth pressed against her, suckling, my tongue flicking. I had time to make up, and I had no more time to waste. As I pulled away from her, I growled when my teeth let her go. She let out a little cry that sent a shivering heat straight between my legs. My hands pushed her, putting her on the bed. I moved right for Lacey again, opening her jeans. Now came the wild part. Stripping those wet jeans off her body. Not to mention with each movement she made, her breasts danced. The sight was beautiful. Her wet hair clinging to her body was even better. All the while, the rain knocked against the window with the blowing gusts of the wind. I had her down to her panties. The moment I

had those down to her ankles, she kicked them off and hurried to close her legs. The coy shyness of her made me grin. “Nothing I’ve never seen, touched, or tasted before,” I whispered as I hovered over her. Lacey bit her lip and planted a hand right between my legs. She had a handful, but there was plenty more to give. I eased my hips away from her, giving her space to open my wet jeans. My eyes just devoured her body. Her bare skin tightening, subtle changes from the young woman I fell in love with. I was sure for Lacey that she wished she was ten years younger again for me, but I didn’t feel that desire at all. The missed years hurt, but what they had given Lacey’s figure was amazing. My fingers touched her hips, feeling curves that weren’t quite as defined at before. I trailed up along her sides and around to her breasts. Her hands shoved my jeans and boxers, struggling the same way I had, thanks to the rain. I stood from the bed for a moment to kick the rest of my clothes off.

I watched as she held her legs together, creating a V that left my cock throbbing almost to the point of hurting. As I came back to the bed, her hand reached for me again. Skin against skin, her hand sliding against the hardness of my shaft, inching down to the base of my trunk. My hands grabbed at the bed, curling tight, fighting off the urge to just release right then and there. We both looked down to watch Lacey admire her work. Seeing her hand touching me was everything. Her shyness and leftover innocence were all gone now. She had a sense of confidence when touching me, yet she kept her legs held together. Slowly, I brought my right hand toward her body. I touched the outside of her leg. I inched up and over, cutting to her inner thigh. Her legs began to part, the swell of her heat pulsing in my hand. I kept going, moving up, the seconds passing, the torture killing me. Comfort came the moment my fingertips grazed her wetness. I paused for a second and looked up at Lacey. Our eyes locked. She parted her lips and let out a sigh.

I pressed my fingers against her, thrusting, feeling her perfect body. I let my middle finger make circles and shapes, as though I was autographing her beautiful sex, taking my claim once again. The difference now was that she wasn’t going to get away from me. I brought my finger up and touched the bud of her clit. I pressed and twisted, watching instant pleasure spread across her face. I couldn’t fucking take anymore. I brought my top half down to hers, my mouth seeking hers. We kissed as I teased her clit, explored her pussy, reminding myself of what I had been missing for so damn long. And nothing could compare to her. Ever. Her subtle hip thrusts. The little noises she made when I hit the right spots. Finally, I slid my hand up and along her smooth body and rested it against her hip. I lowered myself down to her, linking myself up with the instinctual need to love her. To have her. To feel pleasure from her and give her pleasure. It was like something was taking over my

body and brain. She was the ultimate drug, and I would pay whatever price it took to get my fix. No matter if it hurt or killed me. I broke the kiss and touched Lacey’s face with my other hand. My thumb stroked her cheek as I took a few seconds to breathe it all in. Outside, the storm continued to pound against the sky, the rain battering the roof of the cabin. Inside, an even bigger storm grew. “Lacey…I never stopped loving you,” I whispered. “Not for a second. And I’m not going to stop.” She opened her mouth to respond, but I stole her words with a hot kiss. I thrust forward, entering her, her body sheathing me as I sank deeper by the second. Outside, lightning flashed. Thunder clapped. Rain pelted the world. Inside, it was everything. My world came together. But the past was waiting to tear us apart.

LACEY PRESENT DAY

forgotten how it could feel. I had My hands tried to claw at the bed, but I couldn’t get a grip. River had his mouth against my neck. His tongue tasting my wet skin. It was amazing how fast the chilly feeling from the rain left us. It was all heat now. Beautiful and wild heat. As River pulled back and thrust forward again, the pressure at my core made me cry out. I felt

every perfect inch of his cock inside me, gaining access to depths that only he had ever explored before. I was forever his, no matter what. We both knew it, and we both needed to find a way to keep it from going away. When I couldn’t grab the sheets, I put my hands to his back. I scratched him as his mouth started to descend upon my body. I arched my chest, longing for his mouth to taste me again. His tongue rolled around my left nipple, making me shiver and groan. I put my legs up and around his strong body, my heels digging into him, wanting it more. Wanting it harder. Wanting it for forever. River picked up speed. The pleasure soared through my body. Head to toe, I was tingling with deep desire. Anything I had experienced for the last ten years was just out of basic need. What I felt with River was lust-filled want. And he was the only one who could satisfy that want. His mouth closed tighter around my breast. The edges of his teeth pulled against my nipple. I sucked in a breath and let out a whimper as my left hand slid up into his hair. I grabbed at him,

breathing heavier, pulling him away from my breast. River stared at me. I brought my hands to his face and held him. His lower half kept pumping at me, pleasuring me. Connecting with me. I pulled at him, bringing him closer to me. But we didn’t kiss. There were a few inches between us. His right hand touched my side and came up, cupping under my breast. His thumb moved over my nipple. My thumbs moved along the scruff on his face. We held those seconds together, feeling the connection between us. Hearts racing. The love that never died growing again. His body working perfectly to bring me to the edge of climax. “Come for me,” he whispered. “I want to feel you again, darlin’. Right now.” He lowered his mouth to mine again, and we kissed. His other hand touched my hip and squeezed tight. He started to fuck me harder, faster, his precision deadly in a good way. The tingling pleasure spread through my body like a wildfire. The background noise of the thunderstorm storm kept up, and it somehow just made sense. It was

part of this moment for us. Loving each other through a storm. “Oh, River,” I groaned. The feeling reached its pinnacle, a deep swell ready to explode from within my core. “Fuck…yes…” The back of my legs tightened, and I pulled myself against the bed, bucking my hips up at him as he thrust with even more beautiful force. I started to come, my hands grabbing his shoulders, holding on tight. I pulled forward, lurching off the bed. River slid his hands to my back and held me, almost cradling me against his strong chest as I started to kiss him. “Yes, darlin’,” River growled. “Yes…” I whimpered as my body’s orgasm went on. The wild sensation had passed from my core down between my legs. River was still loving me, his hard shaft finding its way in and out me. It was like the pleasure wouldn’t end. Then River made a move. His hands tightened against my back. He rolled to his right, taking me with him. Just like that, I was then on top of him. My hands spread across his

wildly defined chest. A wave of self conscious feeling ran through me as I felt so exposed and visible to him. His hands grabbed my hips, and he wasted no time in lifting me and lowering me. When he did, I gasped, forgetting to breathe for a split second. I slid my right hand up to touch his face again. Both of his hands came around and touched my belly, making me shiver. He then moved up until he was cupping my breasts. I rocked my hips against his thickness. The feeling left me so impossibly full I wasn’t sure if I was coming again or still coming from a few seconds ago. I was then left with no choice but to keep my hands on his strong chest, my nails digging into him as I rode him. I was officially using him for my own pleasure. I had never done this before with River. He had always been the one in control. But now, I was pumping and thrusting my hips against him. Lifting and lowering, feeling the backs of my legs slap against his thick legs. The sound began to echo in the room, feeling as loud as they thunder

outside. I kept going and going. I threw my head back. The ends of wet hair slapped my back. I leaned forward, feeling more gorgeous than I had in my entire life. I shut my eyes and let my body become consumed by the pleasure. Feeling his thickness inside me. Pressing, opening, exploring everything I had to offer him. His hands squeezed hard against my breasts. Then their grip released, and his hands were moving down my body once again. He took firm hold to my hips. I hated my hips. I went from a slender young woman to this curvy figure overnight. It drove me nuts, but right at that exact moment I was grateful for my hips and all the curves that came with them. Because River held tight and started to lift and lower me. Now he was using me. I slid my hands to his arms, feeling those muscles flexing. Those rock-hard muscles that used to carry me and hold me. Those iron muscles that were used to fighting, to winning cash, cash he would spoil me with.

The history between was as real as the pleasure soaring through my body. It soared to a point where I cried out once again as I felt myself approaching another climax. When I started to come the second time, I collapsed into his chest. I was unable to hold myself up. Every muscle turned into rubber. I buried my face into his neck, smelling the sweat of a real man. His arms wrapped around me, incredibly tight, almost constricting my breath. The top halves of our bodies were connected tightly together. Our lower halves…it was all River. Pumping. Thrusting. Having me. I was his for the taking, and trust me, he took all he could get and then some. When the explosion of his orgasm finally began, he thrust so deep and hard inside me, I bit his neck. I sank my teeth into his skin like I was hungry for blood. And he held it there, so deep, his cock pulsing, my hips bucking, desperate for relief. Slowly, with romantic, gentle care lingering in the air, he continued to fuck me. His hands slid up

my body, and he grabbed at my face, making me look at him. “I fucking love you, Lacey,” he growled. “I never fucking stopped. And I never fucking will stop.” I was breathless. All I could do was nod. I stared into his eyes. The thunder was still smashing outside the cabin. My heart was still smashing inside my chest. I’d never stopped loving him, either. But I was afraid to make that known… because losing him again would be the end of me.

His fingers traced a line down my back, and I shivered. We were in silence for what felt like hours. The thunder had begun to quiet as the storm moved away. It was just a gentle rain that was starting to stop, too. The room was warm, comfortable, the lingering smell of our heat and bodies. “It feels like before,” River whispered.

I smiled, tingling and blushing. I then popped up on my elbows and looked at him. “All we need to do is share a smoke, right?” River rolled to his back and to his right side. A second later, he had a cigarette between his lips. I hated that he made it look sexy. He lit it and took a drag. He pushed himself to a seated position up on the bed. A thin sheet covered him just below his rippled stomach, but the bulge of his dick was so obvious. There was no hiding that monster. And that was fine with me. That was one monster I was not afraid of. He gave me the smoke and I had to admit…I felt sexy on my elbows, my body exposed, taking a drag of the cigarette. My breasts pressed against the bed, and my nipples were tender. My skin was tight and shivers kept rolling through me. Between my thighs, I could feel everything that had happened. I curled my toes and took another drag. River stared at me, eyeing up and down. “What?” I finally asked with a playful smile. “You’re creeping me out.” “Just look at you,” he said. “I never thought you

could get more beautiful, but you proved me wrong.” “Stop that.” “Lacey, no,” he said as he plucked the cigarette from me. I reached for his chest and flicked my pointer finger over his nipple. It made no sense that I felt so comfortable with him. Well, it did make sense, he was the one. “You should talk,” I said. “You have all these new muscles, River. And some new moves.” “All for you, darlin’,” he said with a grin. “Yeah, right. I’m sure you had your fun for years without me.” “I wouldn’t call it fun,” he said. “More like numbing the pain.” He took a drag and tilted his head back, exhaling the smoke. Fuck, he was so hot. He was godlike to me. Everything good and bad, all wrapped up into one tall, strong package. River looked at me and passed the smoke again. “I’m sure you had yours, too.”

I didn’t respond. In my mind, I had two flashes of memories. One was of a guy on one knee, sliding a ring onto my finger. The other was a cop at the door, telling me how sorry he was for my loss. I took a weak drag. “So, do we talk about the past, River? Everything that happened while we were apart?” “I’ll talk about anything you want,” he said. “I don’t want anything hidden between us. I don’t want anything to break us apart. Like your parents did…” “You don’t have to worry about them.” “No?” “When I left, I left everything. Including them. I haven’t seen them in years.” “Shit, darlin’, that’s not right.” “Tell that to them,” I said. My heart ached a little. “They made their decisions in life, River. So I made mine. I wasn’t going to fake everything like they did. And that’s where I was headed. One step away from walking down the aisle…” “Married?” River asked. “You were…”

Before he could finish his question, there was a pounding at the front door to the cabin. “What the hell is that?” River asked. He took the cigarette from me and got out of the bed. He put the smoke between his lips and wrestled to get his jeans back on. He left the room, and I rolled myself up in the sheet and stood up. I felt dizzy for a few seconds. From the amazing sex. From the look on his face when he almost found out I had been engaged. Clawing through the past wasn’t going to be easy. I took a few steps from the room and heard voices. “Christ, I thought it was this place,” a voice said. “Richie, what are you talking about?” River asked. “I have a scanner up at my place. My version of the news. Storm was fucking nasty, River. Heard something come through about here.” “Here? What do you mean?” “Well, if it’s not this place, it’s that old shit

house a little ways over.” “What happened?” I stepped into view just as Richie answered the question. “It’s burning to the ground…”

River grabbed my hand as we walked from the front of his truck toward the black, billowing smoke. The rain had officially died off, and the winds were calm. The storm was off to cause problems for someone else. We hadn’t spoken a word since Richie said the house was on fire. Yeah, it was a beat-up piece of shit that should have been burned or torn down a long time ago. I had wanted to go see the place one more time. Maybe even walk through it with River. Capture all those memories that were still there. But now it was just a few pieces of jagged wood sticking up like dirty, crooked teeth on a monster. There were two firetrucks still working to

kill any of the hot spots. Richie was with us, too, not knowing what this actually meant for us. He went right up to one of the firefighters who was taking a break, drinking water. Turned out a bolt of lightning had hit a branch and dropped it into the roof. That was just the beginning for the poor old house. Another bolt hit the house in the right spot and set it on fire. The inside was so worn out, it was nothing but kindling. And when it went up, it was up fast. The firefighters’ job was to put out the fire and contain it to just that spot to keep it from spreading anywhere else in the woods and surrounding areas. Richie thanked the firefighter and turned to face us. “Well we got lucky there,” Richie said. “Shit. That’s too close for comfort. That storm was a bitch. Those trees up at my place were sideways. I swore the entire cabin was going to lift off the ground and spin away like something out of a tornado movie.” River nodded, but he was staring at the smoke.

I felt his hand slowly open from mine, and I quickly grabbed it with both of mine. “Sorry to interrupt your day there,” Richie said. “I’m heading back up.” “See you later,” River said in a cold, monotone voice. I looked at the house then, too. The two pillars from the porch were still standing, but the roof of the porch had fallen to one side. I remembered standing at the pillar, waiting for River to come back from one his fights. Just me and the crickets. The summer heat. Being so alone and scared, but finding comfort when River would come back to me. Sweating from fighting. Sometimes bloody. But he always won. And he was always smiling. He was always so beautiful. It made me hate the situation even more. “It’s gone,” River whispered. “Fuck, darling, our house.” I put my head to his arm. “No, River, it wasn’t our house. And it’s not gone from our memory.” “Is this all a sign?” he asked.

“What?” “The second we try to get together, this happens.” “What do you mean?” River broke away from me and ran his hands through his hair. The rumble of the firetrucks echoed, along with the splashing water. The smell clung to the insides of my nose and my lungs. That heavy, burnt smell. River walked to his truck and slammed his fists against the hood. I felt like I was in some kind of deja vu moment with him. “River,” I said as I approached. He looked back at me. I’d never seen him cry before. But he blinked fast, tears in his eyes. “I’ll never forgive myself for not saving you,” he said. “Saving me…” “Lacey, I knew you were engaged before.” “What?” “I had someone find you. Just to check on you.

And you were… happy.” “You had someone check on me?” I asked. “Why didn’t you…” “I couldn’t,” he said. “I was figuring out my next move and then I found out you were getting engaged.” “Getting? You knew about it before me?” “You said yes,” River said. “To another man.” “I left,” I said. “I left because it would have been a lie. It was a lie. Everything was a lie. Except you, River. Until now.” I turned and wanted to run. I couldn’t even take a step, though. All I could see was the charred remains of the house where River first taught me how to feel like a woman. Where he first touched me, showed the ways of his body and what it felt like to appreciate my own needs. Where I discovered my wants. Where I fell in love and vowed the rest of my life to him. And ten years later… history was repeating itself again… because I felt empty, alone, and lost.

RIVER FIVE YEARS AGO

up from the weight bench and a guy I sat named Pin sat on another bench, dressed in a nice suit, a fancy hat in his hands. Everyone called him Pin because he had a really fat head. I’m talking weirdly huge for his body. So, the running joke was that if you poked him with a pin, his head would pop. He worked with a legit boxing company and wanted me to sign up. He was promoting a few

fights and wanted me on the card. The pay was shit and the winnings were shit. The exposure was the allure of it all. “It’s been a week,” he said, and checked his gold watch. “What’s the answer?” “I haven’t heard back from my end yet,” I said. I went back on the bench and grabbed the bar. I couldn’t stop lifting. I couldn’t get out of the gym. When I got tired, I would go into the ring and work on my moves. The old man that owned the shitty building that was once a prominent boxing school was Pin’s great uncle Tommy. He wore so many damn gold bracelets he couldn’t lift his arms past his hips because they were weighted down. He gave me a key a month ago and told me I could stay there as long as I kept the place clean. Fuck, it was a palace to me. A free gym. Heavy bags. A working fridge. A shower that sometimes spit out hot water. I felt like a king, even when I was mopping up the old floor at night. I had gotten myself into a fucking mess after my last fight. The pay was big, but the guy running my

opponent had connections that went all the way to New York. After the fight, he pulled me aside and offered me a chance to work for him. I refused. But then an idea got into my head. I asked him to find Lacey. She hadn’t spent a second outside of my mind since she left. And that was five years ago. Five fucking years of just dodging life and throwing dirty punches and scrambling to make things work. The garage got shut down by the cops, and I spent my days training and sleeping and my nights fighting and fucking women whose names I didn’t even care to learn. I wanted her to come back to me. I wanted her to prove everyone wrong and come back. There wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t think about going to get her. Just showing up and changing everything in both of our lives. A hand wrapped around the middle of the weight bar, breaking up my thoughts. Pin pushed and showed his teeth to me. “Son, I need a motherfucking answer,” Pin said. He stood up and put his hat on with his free

hand. “This is a springboard.” I pushed with all my might, overpowering his grip, forcing the bar up. I was benching more than I needed to and now I had Pin pushing on the bar, trying to break me. After a few seconds, he stopped and let go. I slammed the bar back and sat up. I spun off the bench and stood up, towering over him. “What the fuck is your problem?” I yelled. “You need to listen to me, son. I’m trying to pull your ass out of this hole you’re in.” “I’ll give you an answer when I’m ready,” I said. “I told you that.” “I don’t have time.” “Neither do I,” I said. We stared each other down. Pin shook his head. “Stupid. That’s what you are, River. The true fighters are the ones who take everything they can get.” “Then I’m not the fighter you want,” I said. “But you are. You’re going to be huge. I know it. You won’t listen to me.” “I’ll call you with my answer,” I said.

Pin said something in Italian and walked away. I sat on the end of the bench for a good hour and just thought about life. I was waiting for a call. The call that would forever change my path in life.

Dear Lacey,

Hey, darling. It’s me. It’s been five years. I can’t believe it’s been five years. I can still picture you. Sitting in your car. Me grabbing the open window, throwing promises at you. Telling you I was going to make things right. But I didn’t make things right. I got lost. It all went dark when you left. The light went out. Everything went out.

I dropped the pencil to the floor. I ripped the paper

out of the notebook and balled it up. I threw it into the trashcan where it joined the others. I was a fucking fool for trying to write her. Trying to put five years of feelings into one letter. But I had her address. I knew where she was. I knew what she was doing. She was in school but not medical school. Her parents were retired and living on Long Island in some expensive fucking beach house. Her father ended up making a killing with whatever company he began to work for when they took Lacey away from me. He got in on the ground floor and got a piece of the IPO and made seven figures. All that shit ripped me up inside, but if Lacey was happy, then it was worth it. That’s all I wanted for her. What was I supposed to do? Just show up and take all that away? Her dreams. Her stability. Her future. There were images in my mind of us running away together and finding a way to make it work. But I had been in the dirt long enough to know that

life wasn’t some fucking movie where things just always worked out. Sometimes things didn’t work out. And that was just life. I grabbed the pencil again.

Dear Lacey,

You left. I was drunk and babbling about meeting up in a few years. But you left. Not me. I could have kept you from leaving but you would have regretted me.

I ripped the page out and tossed it. I had gone up to our meeting spot two times now. Two years in a row I spent the entire day up there. Scrounging up cash to buy a diamond ring in case she showed up, then burying the rings. That was just a waste of money. But here’s the deal with that… I never believed in signs or superstition

until I met a guy named Finn. He was a fire-haired Irishman straight out of Belfast. Came to the states to work in construction and fell on hard times, got mixed up with gangs and drugs. He bounced in and out of prison until he found the west coast and realized all that muscle and anger he held could be used for fighting. He had a routine before every fight and he never lost. He carried a rosary and looked in the mirror, mumbling prayers in his thick accent. When I asked about all that shit, he said a good man needs a routine and a belief. Then, in a bar fight, someone ripped the rosary in half. That same night Finn did a few hours in jail to sleep off the booze and bruises. When he left, he didn’t have his rosary. The police lost it. His next fight? Not only did he lose, he got his jaw broken and his left eye hit so hard he went blind. Last time I heard about Finn, he was back in Belfast, shoveling shit for almost no pay. For some reason that just stuck with me. So, when I went to wait for Lacey, I took a new ring because I didn’t want the bad karma from the previous one to fuck me. Even though I was only

fucking myself out of money and into another broken heart. I growled and grabbed the pencil and slammed it to a fresh piece of paper.

Dear Lacey,

I showed up. More than once. When I blurted out about meeting up, I wasn’t fucking lying. It was my last chance at getting you back. I showed up there, though. Took a walk around. Went down to the abandoned house. Before you, that house was a party place for me and the boys. We’d get back from a fight and go sit there, laughing and howling all night. Like fucking fools, drinking whiskey to numb the pain. I want to buy that house, Lacey. I’m going to buy that house. For you. I’m going to wait for you and then let you decide how you want it. Anything you want. Everything you ever dreamed

of. I’ll give you the reality that resides as a dream. I swear on my life

I ripped the paper out and ripped it up. That was all bullshit. The only way I’d be able to give that her was to fight so much and win that my brain would be like mashed potatoes. I could just skip town and find another mechanic job. Or… well… call me fucking crazy, but Finn told me I should do tattoos. I’d always had a knack for drawing and enjoyed it. I kept that hidden, though, because the guys I dealt with were all about muscle. “Fuck this,” I whispered. I gave up on the letter and pulled myself to my feet. The gym was open, dark, quiet. My cell phone rested on a weight bench. I just needed the damn thing to ring. I needed an answer from someone so I could

give Pin his answer. I grabbed a mop and started to clean up the floor some more. Twenty minutes later, my phone rang…

“I’m sorry,” a voice said on the other line. “You’re sure?” “Yeah, River. I’ve been hanging with him for a little while.” “He’s a nice guy?” “Really nice guy.” On the phone was a guy named Hector. Remember that guy that did me a favor and I had to do him a favor? Hector was his guy and Hector was in New York, making friends with the guy Lacey was with. I just wanted to know the truth about her. If she was happy. Settled. Living. Loving. “Fancy kind of guy?” I asked. “Suit and tie, yeah. Lawyer. He’s got a hell of a future planned.”

“Well, with an engagement ring…” “Look, River, I’m just being as straight as I can. He was saying something about it when we were drinking and I thought it was just drunk love talk. But he showed me the ring.” “What kind of ring was it?” “Huh?” “The ring, Hector. What kind?” “Engagement…” “Fuck, man. What did it look like?” “An engagement ring,” Hector said. “Three big ass diamonds in the middle. Little diamonds along the band…” “Did it look heavy?” “Yeah. I mean, it’s a nice ring.” “And it’s big?” “Yeah. You could see this thing in the dark, man.” A smiled flickered for a second. “She’s going to hate it.” “What? What woman hates a diamond ring?” I didn’t respond. Lacey was going to hate it. She wanted a

small diamond ring. Nothing big and fancy. Unless, of course, her tastes had changed. Sipping up the luxury life out there without me dragging her down. All the so-called bad boy stuff she loved about me could be replicated by some punk ass in a suit. The smile faded and the anger rose up. “When’s he proposing?” I asked. “Tomorrow night.” “Have you seen her?” “Yeah.” “She look good?” “Yes.” “She happy?” “She’s happy, River. She’s getting engaged. I thought I was coming out here to find something important. Like someone stole something from you. I thought I was coming out here to knock some heads around.” “You think this guy really loves her?” “I don’t know. Why wouldn’t he?” “Maybe he’s using her for money…” “He’s got a shit ton of money on his own,”

Hector said. “Believe me. I dug around. His family is worth millions. The last thing this guy needs is money.” “Then maybe…” “Hey, River. I don’t know what the fuck you’re trying to figure out here. Do it on your own, though. My time is kept for real problems. Not some romance bullshit that didn’t work out. You want something from her? Come out here and get it. But you have until tomorrow night. He’s going to propose and she’s going to say yes. End of discussion. Fuck.” The call went dead. I leaned against a wall and nodded. I had my answer. I lowered my head and placed a call for Pin. “You got my answer, motherfucker?” he asked without even a hello. “My answer is no,” I said. “No?” “I don’t want your fucking opportunity.” “You’re a dumb shit,” Pin said. “I’m trying to pull your ass off the street and help you.”

I ended the call. I’d never speak to Pin again. I left the mop against the wall, went into the back of the gym, and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Outside, I sat against the building and looked up to the clear, starry sky. I drank myself drunk and then drank some more. It was my last night of freedom but I was brokenhearted.

“Hey, I heard some shit about this one,” my buddy Jones said to me. “Heard that the big dogs were sniffing around. They bust in, we’re all going to jail.” “I don’t care,” I said. “Let them take me in. Fuck it.” “Hey, this is a big deal. The earnings aren’t that great on this one,” Jones said. “We can pass it up.” “Either drive the truck or I’ll walk,” I said.

I was hell-bent on going to the fight. All I could picture was Lacey getting proposed to. Some guy sliding a ring on her finger. Her looking down at him. That moment that I wanted. My moment. Jones put the truck in drive. It was all silence until we got to the building. Everything felt off about it. Jones was right. We should have skipped it. I should have gone to a bar and gotten drunk and found someone to comfort me for the night. The second I got out of the truck I took my shirt off. I grabbed some tape and started to tape up my wrists. “Jesus, man,” Jones said. “You’re ready, huh?” I ignored him and walked toward the building. I kicked open one of the doors and heard the murmur of voices. I walked right to the main floor and stood there. There weren’t a lot of people there. That meant the bets and payouts were going to be shitty. I’d probably make the same as what Pin had been offering. But that didn’t matter. I was done with Pin.

I was done with the straight life for the moment. Lacey was getting engaged. She was going to wear another man’s ring and carry another man’s heart. I walked right to the middle of the floor, stuck my fingers into my mouth, and whistled. All eyes started to fall on me. “I want a fucking fight,” I yelled. “Someone get out here and fight me.” The promoter of the illegal fight came pushing through the crowd. He had two goons with him who had all intention of beating me up for disrupting the night. At that point, guys were still taking bets, buying drinks, getting settled. I just stood there. “Come on. Where the fuck is someone?” My voice echoed around. The goons of the promoter came within striking distance of me. I planned on fighting them. That’s when the doors to the building blasted open and in came a flood of police. Shit.

Jones had been right. The place had been under surveillance and the cops were making their move. The crowd quickly started to break up and I darted for a door. I worked my way through the crowd, dodging the grabs of police officers dressed for war. When I got outside I looked for Jones’s truck. It was gone. The fucker left me. He let me walk to the building and then took off. “Put your fucking hands up!” a voice boomed from behind me. I slowly turned and came face to face with an officer. He had a gun in one hand and club in the other. “Right now, asshole!” I thought about Lacey. At the opposite end of the country. She was three hours ahead of me. That meant for sure she was engaged by now. A diamond ring on her finger. Having the night of her life. Making a memory she’d never forget.

So, do the same, River. Make a memory you’ll never forget. I smiled. “What the fuck is funny?” the officer growled. I lowered my shoulder and charged. I tackled the officer as he swung with this club, getting me good and hard in the shoulder. He should have just shot me. It would have been better for both of us. Instead, his backup arrived and they all beat me to the ground. I was cuffed and taken away. Lacey was engaged. I had lost her for good. I put my head against the window of the cop car. All I could think about was Lacey. She really couldn’t be happy, right? It would take years for me to find out the truth.

LACEY FIVE YEARS AGO

something was going to happen. The I knew notion of being proposed to did float through my mind a few times but I just shook it off. Chris was a good guy but he was laser-focused on his career. Throwing a ring on my finger just didn’t seem to be part of his plan in life. Which gave me time to figure things out. I felt like my life had been sucked into some kind of weird vortex. I finished school and was

immediately thrown into med school. I begged to take things slow because I was feeling so burned out. My parents insisted that I go right away. It was actually Chris who came to my aid. He was able to connect with my father in a way that I never could. Maybe because he was successful. Maybe because he had helped my father a few times with legal issues as he cashed out of the company he took us all to New York to work for. Whatever it was, I was given a year to relax in life. It seemed like a blessing, but it ended up as a curse. I was bored. I was lost. I was under the watch and control of Chris all the time. I ended up becoming almost something like a secretary to him. Running errands for his office, helping with paperwork, soaking in the life of the busy city. But the strangest feeling washed over me time and time again. Being in the middle of thousands - millions of people and I felt alone. There was nothing I could do to shake that feeling, either. No matter what I ate, drank, no matter how hard I tried to force myself to fall for

Chris, it just wasn’t happening. Even when he told me to find a house I wanted, that high was only temporary. I searched high and low for houses, the budget in seven figures. A dream for any woman. But each time I found a house and we would look at it, I’d find something wrong with it. To Chris, I’d make something up. It made me sound snotty, like a spoiled rich girl. The truth was that the problem with every house was that River wasn’t inside it. He hadn’t slipped my mind and he sure as hell hadn’t escaped my heart. I started school again and things were feeling somewhat normal. My dream of being a doctor seemed way off in the distance, and not because the classes were hard. I just didn’t want it anymore. I washed my hands in the bathroom of the fancy restaurant and checked my makeup. Makeup. I never cared to wear that stuff but Chris liked it. My mother insisted I make myself look appropriate at appropriate times. The entire existence of reality had become this insane blur. I mean, when I thought

about it, it was all insane. My father always made great money. We always lived well above most people. But the opportunity to go to New York turned my parents into millionaires. I was instantly rich. I never had to worry about money ever in my life. But it meant nothing because I wasn’t happy. So, that whole crap about money not buying happiness really proved true. Drying my hands, I exited the bathroom and Chris stood a few feet away, smiling. He was in a fancy suit. His teeth glistened against the light. His hair was perfect. His smile was perfect. Any woman would be lucky to have his attention and right now, his attention was all mine. “Everything okay?” he asked me. “Yeah. You?” “Yeah. Your father wants to slip out for a cigar. I needed a breather from the table.” “Sorry. I know they can be intense.” “Your father wants to sue the neighbor.” “What?” “Something about land and vegetation.”

“They have so much…” “Feed the machine, Lacey,” Chris said with a grin. “That’s what I’ve learned. There’s never enough when you’re wealthy. It becomes a drug. An addiction.” “Please don’t sue my parents’ neighbor,” I said. “I wouldn’t get involved. Family and business don’t mix.” Chris winked and offered his arm. I took it and walked back to the table. We were in the middle of a restaurant. All these fancy people with their fancy lives. In the back of my mind, I thought about River. Working at the shitty garage. Coming to see me as he wiped grease off his hands. The dirt on his shirt. The smell of his skin and sweat. Everything earned through back-breaking work. I thought about him taking me to the abandoned house in his beat-up pickup truck. The noises the truck made. The old, rusted smell of it. The memories were flooding hard. Suddenly, three men appeared and they took away my chair and Chris’s chair. Then they

grabbed the table - the entire table - and carried it away. My parents stood up and their chairs were taken. Chris put me where the table had been. I stood there in complete shock. The entire restaurant stared at me. Chris stood before me. He touched my face with both hands. His hands were so soft. Milky soft hands. The thing was… I didn’t feel anything when he touched my face. They weren’t rough like River’s were. Chris reached into the pocket of his suit jacket and dropped to one knee. I covered my mouth. I heard a collective gasp throughout the restaurant. This was really happening. Chris took my hand. “Lacey, we met in a cafe…” He started to ramble about our memories together. I loved him. Yes, I did love him. It wasn’t the same love as River. But Chris was here. He was in

front of me. He wanted to take care of me. I would have a good and happy life. At least on the outside. I could finish medical school and find a job and just have this simple life. All the bad stuff on the outside of my bubble would remain there. To so many around me, I was free. Marrying Chris was a smart decision. “Lacey, will you do me the honor and be my wife?” I glanced over at my parents. My father smiled proudly, an arm around my mother, gripping her shoulder tight. My mother blinked fast, her eyes glistening with tears. The restaurant waited for my answer. So, I nodded. I nodded… and I kept nodding. Next thing I knew, Chris shoved the massive diamond ring on my finger and stood up to kiss me. We kissed. The restaurant burst into applause. My father announced he would be paying for everyone’s dessert. And it became a night of celebration and everyone wanting to congratulate me. They were

all strangers to me. But the biggest stranger of all? Myself.

It was almost one in the morning. Chris was sleeping. The apartment was super quiet. I couldn’t sleep. I crept out of the bed and downstairs. I wandered through the kitchen in the dark. Biting my lip, I opened the bottom cabinet where I kept expensive glassware that would never be used. There was a secret corner, and that’s where I kept a pack of cigarettes. It was a stress thing and I only smoked when I was stressed about school. Sometimes I’d have to pull all-nighters and write papers so I would smoke, write, smoke, write. Then I’d have to hurry and air the place out to keep Chris from finding out. He made it very clear to me that smoking was a total deal-breaker. I opened the backdoor and went out to our small deck to sit on the top step. We were on the outside of the city. If you

listened hard enough you could barely hear the hustle and bustle of it, even at this late hour. I took out a cigarette and lit it, sucking a deep drag, and coughing hard. I buried my face into the crook of my arm to keep from making too much noise. As I coughed, I stared at the diamond ring on my finger. It was really big. It was heavy. It was… obnoxious. It was not what I wanted. I wasn’t that kind of woman. I held my left hand out as my right hand held the cigarette. I didn’t blink as I smoked and stared at the diamond. What was I thinking? I could be honest with Chris about the ring. And maybe even more than that. This went way beyond an engagement ring. Maybe I could go find River and just… see. Settle my aching heart once and for all. Prove to myself that he wasn’t waiting around for me, either. I nodded. That made sense. I could tell Chris I had to go on a trip. Hell, I took a trip on the day me and River were supposed

to meet up every year. I couldn’t face that day, wondering if he would actually follow through and show up looking for me. Plus, it had been five years since I’d last seen River. Those were five years that he could have tried to find me. Shocked me. Surprised me. Stolen me. But he didn’t do that. I finished the cigarette and had to clean up and hide all the evidence. That included scrubbing my hands to the point of them hurting. I brushed my teeth for about ten minutes and chugged mouthwash. Back in bed next to Chris, I stared at him. He wasn’t that bad of a guy. He was… worth settling for. But I would need to check on River first. I would need to know if anything remained. That night I went to bed a little more at ease. But looking for River would be useless. He was in prison and would stay there for a little while. And me…

I was in my own version of prison, too.

RIVER PRESENT DAY

T

he woman sat on the edge of my chair and dabbed the corners of her eyes. She rolled her eyes up into the back of her head and let out a sigh. “I don’t want my makeup to run,” she said. “I don’t think that really matters,” I said. “I don’t judge by makeup.” Her name was Tess. She looked at me. “Thank you, River. You

really did it. You’ll never know what these roses mean to me.” On her arm, from shoulder to elbow, I had been carefully working on a tattoo of three roses that twisted together at the stem. The roses were for her grandparents, the third rose for herself. She had been abandoned by her birth mother at a library, and was shuffled through the foster system until her grandparents found her and raised her. Tess reached into her shirt, grabbing at a gold chain. She pulled out a small locket and popped it open, showing it to me. “This is them,” she said. It was a really old photograph of a young man and woman. “You should get that done on your shoulder,” I said. “Really? You can do that?” “Not me,” I said, standing up. “Max does. He’s the best portrait artist you’ll ever meet.” “I might just do that. Thank you for this.” Tess insisted on hugging me. I accepted it and walked her to my door. I shut it and lowered my

head. It was the first time in my life that tattooing left me feeling empty. I was unsatisfied. Like a junkie who got his high, but it wasn’t the same anymore. Only I couldn’t up my dosage, so to say. Because I was messing with the wrong drug. The tattoo needle and the creation of story on skin was not the same as holding and loving Lacey. After the abandoned house burned down and we had our little spat, she was gone. Not far, but gone. I promised to take her back into town. The ride was in silence and when she got out of my truck, she simply looked at me. Her eyes were glazed over with tears. I couldn’t understand what was making her hold back. I wanted to know it all. Her fear, doubts, anger, pain, everything. My room in St. Skin suddenly felt small. I took a breath and felt like there was no air. My chest got really heavy, too. I shut my eyes and felt like I was drunk, swaying. The only other time I felt this was the first few days and nights in prison. Being put up in a building with some really tough and rough guys. But I navigated my way through that world. I

made the right friends. I did what I had to do to survive. I could do the same right now. I opened the door and knew I had the luxury of getting fresh air. That was something I didn’t always have when I was in prison. I’d rather be in Lacey’s arms, though. That would give me life. True life. A chance to break ourselves open and just let all that past shit go. I wandered to the back of the shop and out the door. When I looked left, I saw Axel standing there. And the giant lunk of muscle and ink had a cigarette between his lips and tears in his eyes. “Oh, shit,” I whispered. “Axel. Sorry, brother.” I grabbed for the door. He turned and put a fist to his eye and groaned. “No, no, wait.” “Fuck,” I said. “What’s wrong?” He glanced at me. He looked a little defeated, like his tough guy card was going to be taken away. “Axel…” He took a deep drag of his smoke and then flicked it through the air. “My mother is dying,” he said.

“Shit. No.” “She’s been dying for a while,” he said. He cleared his throat. Axel tapped his forehead. “She’s got all kinds of shit wrong with her head. Can’t remember things. Can’t do things. She’s gotten to the point where she’s hurting herself. Everything is shutting down, brother. It’s all going downhill fast here.” “Fuck, man,” I said. “I’m really sorry about that. I wish I could say or do something for you.” “There’s nothing you can do,” Axel said. “Just keep this between us. Okay? I don’t need my tragedy spread through St. Skin. This is my church here, okay? It’s where I come to feel human.” “I had no clue you were going through this stuff.” “It happens,” Axel said. “You know, it’s been a wild road for me, River. Divorce. Now my mother. It’s been hard. But I’ll make it through.” “I don’t mean to ask dumb questions… but when is she…” “Who knows,” Axel said. “I just had to make the call for hospice care. They’ll come and check

on her and spend time with her. Monitor her. They showed me the box of shit I keep in the back of her fridge with all the heavy stuff that will ease her when she goes. It just got really real, you know? I don’t know, man. I’m just standing here, thinking about shit. You know, I drew my first picture when I was in kindergarten. I brought it home and showed it to my mother. She rubbed her fingers into my hair and told me how beautiful it was. Then my old man came home from the bar and ripped it up. Smacked me across the mouth and said that drawing was for guys who had a pussy. I had no clue what that meant at the time. My mother took all the pieces and taped them back together. I found that artwork last week up in her attic.” I grabbed Axel’s shoulder and squeezed it. “Hey, it’s okay. That means she loves you. And whatever you go through, she loves you. I know you want this quiet, but if there’s anything I can do to help, you let me know.” “Thanks, brother. Hey, what’s going on with your past love?” “It’s in the past,” I said. “Probably where it

belongs.” “Fuck. Don’t say that.” “There’s ten years between us, Axel. I know that’s a long time but it seems like a lot more when we’re together.” “Is she worth it?” “Yeah, she is. I’ll tell you something you can’t tell anyone. I would do anything for her. Even if that includes staying away and letting the past fade into the dark.” I squeezed Axel’s shoulder again and went back inside the shop. I walked to the front and saw Tate standing at the window. “Boss, can I ask you something?” I asked. Tate looked over at me. “Don’t even call me boss, River.” “Tate.” “What do you want?” “A drink.” Tate grinned. “I knew I hired you for a reason.”

I was four shots and four beers deep and the emotions were swelling inside me like a volcano ready to go. Tate was one of the few who could sit with me and drink in silence. Two men in their own thoughts sharing a little time and booze. Her memory couldn’t be chased away with whiskey, beer, or even women. I hadn’t even bothered with trying to pick up a woman, either. Replacing Lacey wasn’t in the cards this time. And right about now was when I’d usually find someone new to start a relationship with. The next person to get sucked into my world and then get hurt in about a year. I looked over at Tate and raised my glass. He raised his. Another shot went down. Then he slapped my back and stood up. “You’re sitting here, drinking yourself stupid. You’re not saying a word but you’re speaking lots. I’m not an idiot, River. Figure your shit out. Whatever it is.”

“Where are you going?” “I’ve had my fill. Part two of the night is to either fuck or fight. There’s plenty here to do either with. Have a good night, River.” Tate took out a hundred-dollar bill and threw down on the bar. It was way more than what we had to drink. Which meant he wanted me to keep going. So, I ordered another shot and another beer. I thought about the abandoned house on fire. The smoke, ashes, and the charred wood. The house where Lacey realized she could be a woman. The house where I kept my sanity and kept myself out of trouble. I missed her. Just being with her for one part of a day was enough to remind me that I was capable of feeling love again. That deep, penetrating, change-yourlife kind of love. She found the ring in my pocket. She saw the rings I had buried. And she knew I had someone check on her… and that I knew she had been engaged. It hurt that she gave that promise to

another man. But she didn’t keep it, right? She wasn’t married. At least I hoped not. I lowered my head and stared down into the shot glass. Someone was going to have to give my ass a ride home. I grabbed the glass and threw it back. Then I spotted someone across the bar looking at me. She smiled. I winked. I dare you… because I’m going to break your heart if you try. Because my heart’s broken. And only one person in the world can fix it. One fucking person. One beautiful woman. My…

LACEY PRESENT DAY

“

L acey.”Andrea gave a wave as I shut my car

door. “That’s me.” “Pleasure to finally meet you,” she said. We shook hands and she led the way into the house. Sitting around was not in my cards anymore, so I took a new job. A part-time job. I needed the distraction. I needed to get away from anything that

resembled reality. Maybe even fantasy, too. “You’re going to meet Bethany,” Andrea said. “I read her file,” I said. “I have plenty of experience.” “Sure, right. Sorry. I’ve been helping her for the last little bit. But we’re going to be rotating shifts. I’m getting married next week and will be away on a honeymoon.” “Well, congrats,” I said. “Wow. That’s great.” I smiled but on the inside I was crying. I felt like the petty, jealous friend now. I had been engaged once but that wasn’t right. I could’ve been engaged again… My mind flashed the image of all those rings. The rain pounding against the ground. The thunder booming around. River pointing to the ground and showing me all those rings. A ring for each time he showed up and waited for me. And each time he was burying one of those rings I was on a vacation somewhere, trying to bury my guilt for not meeting up with him. How did we let things get so fucked up? When he blurted out that he had someone check on me, it

crushed my heart. He should have just come himself to save me. “You okay?” I shook my head. “Sorry. Yeah. Just preparing. The last time I did this… well…” “I know,” Andrea said. “It’s the worst part of it. We spend time with them. We comfort them. We know they’re going to go, but when they actually do…” I nodded. We went into the little house. I went to the back bedroom and met a beautiful elderly woman. She was sitting up in her bed. She had white hair that was done up very nicely. The age and wisdom that radiated off of her was instantly addicting to me. I pulled a chair right up to the bed and sat down. “Mary,” she said to me. She reached for me. I looked at Andrea and gave a nod. I took Bethany’s hand. “I’m Lacey. But I’m sure I look just like Mary, don’t I?” Bethany grinned. “Oh, heavens. Look at me. I’m sorry. You do look like Mary, though.”

“Who is Mary?” “Oh, she was my best friend. We were such good friends together.” “That’s wonderful, Bethany. I’m here to check on you. Is that okay?” “Oh, sure. Sure. The house is fine. Andrew came and took care of the toilet. It was running.” I smiled. “Good. I’m glad that’s fixed. I’m going to just check on a few things in here, okay?” “Are you here to fix the toilet?” Bethany asked. I could feel the sting in my heart. You could see her eyes glaze over a little as her mind eased away from reality. “No, the toilet is fixed,” I said. “Well, I hope Andrew did it. I can’t afford a plumber.” “I’m sure he did,” I said. I adjusted the bed and slowly got Bethany into a more relaxed position. She started to look around the room like she had no idea where she was. “Hey, Bethany,” I said. “Want me to call Andrew and ask him?”

Bethany smiled and reached for my hand. “Mary. I’ve been waiting for you to get back to me.” I nodded. “Okay. I’ll be right back.” I patted Bethany’s hand and left the room. Andrea waited in the hall. She had a somber look on her face. “It’s rough,” she whispered. “Hospital doesn’t even want to deal with her anymore. Not to sound mean. But slowly it’s all just shutting down. You did good, though. You definitely have experience. It’s a hard thing to shut your heart off a little, you know?” “Oh, I know,” I said. I wasn’t referring to Bethany, either. In the kitchen, we chatted for a few minutes before I told Andrea she was safe to leave. I had everything under control. I was going to take the morning until Bethany’s son came. Then another hospice nurse would come by. Bethany’s daughter Ava - was on her way from Virginia to spend whatever time was left. The house was finally quiet and as I sat alone, I

burst into tears. I always got emotional when meeting someone for the first time. Just knowing their fate and knowing I could do nothing to save them was a horrible feeling. But this time it went beyond that. Eventually… well… time was going to put all of us in that position. Some may pass too soon and some may live for a long time. Some may need care. But we were all going to say goodbye to the world someday. It made me think of River. We’d already lost ten years. How much more… I heard a weak yell from the bedroom. I sprang to my feet and rushed through the house to the bedroom. I found Bethany on her side, trying to wrestle the covers off her body. “Let me help you,” I said. “This is too tight, Mary. I told you I’m fine. Just a little cold.” “But you need the rest,” I said. I played along as I eased the blanket off her body. I saw how thin and weak she was and it broke my heart. “Come

on, I’ll put something on TV. It’s not even that nice out. You’re missing nothing.” “The laundry is piled up. If Harry comes home and the laundry isn’t done… oh, boy, that’s not good.” I saw fear spread across her face. I crouched down. “Tell you what, Bethany. I’ll do the laundry. Okay?” “You’re a good friend.” “So are you.” She looked out the window. She was very quiet for a few seconds. Then she said, “I hope Andrew fixes that toilet.” “I’m sure he will,” I said. Outside the bedroom, I heard the sound of a door slamming. “There’s your son now,” I said. “Andrew. Good. Very good.” I left the room and had no idea what to expect. When I saw the six-six monster of a man standing in the kitchen, I froze. His arms were covered in tattoos and he looked something out of a motorcycle gang.

I sucked in a breath and hated myself for judging the guy. He looked at me and raised an eyebrow. “Sorry,” I said. “I’m the new hospice care nurse here. For your mother. You must Andrew.” “And you’re Lacey,” he said. “Excuse me?” “I’ve seen your picture before,” he said. “I’m sorry I don’t…” The giant of a man started to laugh. He offered his hand for me to shake and I took it. “How do you know…” “My mother named me Andrew,” he said. “But everyone calls me Axel. And one of my closest friends is River.”

It took everything out of me not to fall over. River? Axel? My jaw was dropped. “I work at St. Skin,” Axel said. “And wow,

you’re the real Lacey.” I started to shake my head. “How is she today?” he asked me. I couldn’t speak. “Right,” he said. “I’ll go check on her. You catch your breath.” Axel walked out of the kitchen. I grabbed for the counter and turned to face it. I started to breathe heavily. What was happening? How was this happening? How small of a world did I live in? I should have gone east. South. North. I was too close. Unless… fate… “No,” I whispered. I had a job to do here. I collected myself and moved from the kitchen. Axel was lumbering from the hallway through the living room. He stopped dead in his tracks. “She seems as good as could be,” I said. “I’m very sorry for what you’re both going through.” Axel swallowed hard. “You know, you’re the first person to say that. That it’s both of us.”

“I understand the situation,” I said. “I’ve been through this many times. I can promise you I’ll do everything to make her happy and comfortable.” “Lacey,” Axel said again. “Interesting.” I ignored him. “She kept asking about fixing the toilet.” Axel laughed again. “That toilet hasn’t been broken in at least ten years. I fixed it after my father died. He always took care of that shit. I guess that’s her first memory of me after the old man kicked it. Hey, I need a smoke. Why don’t we go out and have a little chat, you and I.” “I should stay in here,” I said. “No. Lacey, I have some questions. And I have some things to say.” I checked on Bethany and she was napping. I really could leave anytime I wanted since Axel was there. I marked down all the paperwork that needed to be done for Bethany and I stepped out to the front porch. I caught Axel at the tail end of his cigarette. He tossed it into the front yard and turned to face me. He was as big as River. He looked older than

River, though. He was going through some really rough stuff and that went beyond his mother preparing to pass on. “So, you’re the one,” he said to me. “The one what?” “Don’t play games. River keeps to himself for the most part. I’ve tried to cut that guy open for a long time. But I know one thing about him… he loves you. Nothing matters as much as you do. Not a chance in the world with that one.” “I’m supposed to be here talking to you about your mother.” “There’s nothing you can do,” Axel said. “She’s going. Half the time she thinks I’m her brother. The other half she spends terrified my old man is going to come home and smack her.” I gasped. “Wow.” “He was a prick. Not worried about him, though. He’s gone. You’re not. River isn’t. Don’t live that life, Lacey. Don’t let regret take away anything good.” “A man of wisdom, huh?” I asked. “I’ve been through a lot. I’ve seen River and

what he does to himself. Forcing himself into some relationship and then, right on cue, he breaks up with her. And then he always leaves for one day. The same damn day.” To go to our spot to meet up. “Why are you telling me this?” I asked. “Because he’s hurting. And you look the same as he does. So, whatever you two got between each other, get it out of the way, Lacey. He’s never going to get over you. You’re never going to get over him.” “Does he know your real name is Andrew?” I asked with a grin. “No. And I’d appreciate if you could keep that our secret.” “I think I can do that.” “I’m not messing around. I don’t know what happened to him when he came to St. Skin, but he was in rough shape. But he came back to life through his work. Now? He’s not the River I know. He’s lost. I don’t know whether you need to settle up the past or what, but you both need it. Don’t waste time in regret.” Axel stepped toward me. He

towered over me. “And I’m going to be blunt about this shit, too. That woman in there? The dying one? She lived a life of regret. Letting my old man control her in a way that broke my heart. And I never want to see that happen to anyone I care about. So, if you and River think there’s anything there, you two better start fucking talking this out. I don’t know anything about your past with him. But I know this. The past… it’s the damn present, Lacey. It’s real.” “He came to St. Skin hurt?” I asked. “Not my place to say anything else.” “Then I’ll make it my business with him,” I said. “I’ll get in touch with him.” “Go see him.” “I don’t know where he lives or if he’s home.” Axel shook his head. He took out his phone and punched the screen a few times. Then he turned his phone around. “I just texted him,” Axel said. “Asked him if he’s home. He said yes.” My heart leapt from my chest to my throat. Butterflies kicked up in my belly.

“I look like hell,” I said. “Excuses don’t matter,” Axel said. “Make a decision.” “Thanks for the advice, Andrew,” I said. “Don’t,” he said with a grin. “Do you love him?” “Yes.” “Then don’t let anything get in your way of that. Trust me.” I stepped off the porch and got into my car. Axel walked to the window and I rolled it down. “You got GPS on your phone?” he asked. “Of course. Everyone does.” “Give me your phone.” There I was, handing my phone over to this monster of a man who was trying to take care of his dying mother. He gave me my phone back as it began to spit out directions. Axel nodded and backed away. I didn’t need to ask where I was going. I already knew.

I was going to see River.

RIVER PRESENT DAY

over the kitchen counter with some I hovered notebooks open, sketching some designs. I had an idea I wanted to run by Tate that involved my own little line of stuff. As much as I hated the notion of the limelight, I saw what it did for the other guys. Cass was killing it because of his previous rockstar life but also because he had his own gallery online. He got out there with stuff. He worked the artist angle like a genius. Same for

Prick. He loved attention. And Max, well, Max’s work with portraits was so unique he didn’t need to do a damn thing. I wanted my own line. It was a concept I came up with before, but all those dreams on the beach were fucking squandered. By a woman. Shocking news there, sure. That was a story nobody ever knew about and one that I hoped I could take to my grave peacefully. The closest I came to really slipping up and forgetting about Lacey. That would never happen again. That’s why my relationships were based on time, around one fucking date. Halfway through a line I just stopped. I dropped the pencil and put my hands to the counter. I looked around the apartment and let out a sigh. This was why I got tangled up in relationships while waiting for Lacey. Being alone left my mind to wander and wonder. Right now, I desperately needed a beautiful woman to come strolling through the apartment in my shirt and nothing else. Curl up on the couch with some girly-ass show. A glass of wine. That look of wildness in her eyes. Gritting my teeth, I went to the fridge and got a

beer. The fridge was damn near empty. Another downfall of not having a woman around my place. I threw the bottle back with a mental plan forming that involved drinking about ten of those, sketching until my hand hurt, and then passing out on the couch. All I had ahead of me was time. Time that I needed to figure out, organize, and maybe make the best of. But somehow, I knew that come next year I’d go back to the cabin, to the big-ass rock, and I’d wait for Lacey as though she’d come back yet again. Halfway through the first beer there was a knock at the door. I looked at the clock and then at the door. I put the beer bottle down and walked to the door. When I opened it and saw Lacey standing there, I looked back over my shoulder wondering if I had somehow pounded a bottle of whiskey and was so drunk that I was hallucinating. I looked at her and blinked, waiting for her to

disappear. “River,” she whispered. “I…” “Is this real?” I asked. “You’re here?” “I’m here. We need to talk about everything. Once and for all.” I slowly nodded. “Right. Come on in.” I stepped back and watched Lacey enter my apartment. I shut the door and engaged the two locks. She made it a couple feet away and I grabbed for her arm. Tugging at her, she spun around and looked at me. Silence flooded the room but there was so much screaming in my head. The fire Lacey started inside me had been burning for years and there was no stopping it. No matter how hard I tried, it always came back to her. The one. The only one. The real one. The beautiful one. The perfect one. The everything one. I pulled at her, bringing her close. I grabbed the strap of her bag and stripped it down her arm, letting it fall to the floor. My hands eased around her body and I put her body against mine. Her hands were at my chest. She could push me away

with ease and I’d let her go. She stared up at me. “Here to talk,” I whispered. “Yes,” she said. “Talk. Right?” “Right,” I said. Her hands slid up to my face. I eased down and our lips touched. We could talk later.

My fingers traced lines down her legs. She shivered against my touch, her hands gripping at the bedsheets tight. Her hips gently bucked, her sweetness ready for me to take. My lips grazed just above her belly button. She was comfortable in her body around me and that was such a fucking turn on. I loved everything about her body, too. There wasn’t a flaw if I tried to find one. She was so perfect and unique that I craved her in a way that nobody could ever help to satisfy. I purposely kissed her hard and loud, my lips smacking against her stomach as I continued my descent down her body. When I reached her soft

mound, I paused and brought my hands to her inner thighs. Bringing my hands up, I gently parted her legs. She looked down at me, staring over her beautiful breasts, those killer eyes of hers locking tightly with mine. There was a momentary pause as I felt my heart ripping and twisting. I never felt this way with a woman. Even if it all ended in heartache, these moments were worth everything. I kissed her again, focusing back on her body. I nestled between her legs, her sweetness filling my nose, making my mouth water. The tip of my tongue eased against the bud of her clit. Making circles, flicking against her, feeling and watching her body react to me. She let out a sigh and then a groan, settling into the pleasure. My tongue moved down, tasting all of her beautiful sex. I pressed my lips against her lips. My tongue came forward, easing against her tightness. I turned my head a little and gently began to suckle the honey off her body. My left hand slowly crept up her body, feeling the curve of her

hip, a slight arch in her back that changed when I moved my tongue against her pussy. My hand rested against her breast. Lacey quickly put her hand over mine, clawing at me, letting out a groan. I growled deep in my throat. My deepest need, my addiction to Lacey, all of it colliding and demanding more of her. I moved up a little, giving her clit an eskimo kiss before my tongue went back to work. Using the tip of my tongue I drew her the tattoo I would love to put on her perfect skin. All the intricate designs of it. The curves. The corners. The rounded edges. Each move of my tongue made her jump and thrust at me. Her right hand reached down and grabbed at my hair. Her hand wrapped tight, her nails digging into my scalp. She pulled at me, wanting more. So, I gave her more. I pressed harder against her body, loving her clit until she was trembling as her pleasure mounted to an unescapable level. “Yes,” I groaned, taking a split-second break. “River!” she cried out as her ass lifted off the bed.

At the last second, I brought my right hand between her legs. With two fingers, I plunged deep into her core as my mouth released its hold on her clit. I kissed up her body as she came, her insides clenching and releasing with her orgasm. She thrust at my fingers, showing me what those beautiful hips were capable of doing. My kisses were sloppy and noisy. I paused at her left breast and engulfed her, the fingers of my right hand buried deeper. She was still throbbing, her body almost to the point of shaking. Her back was arched so much that she was almost looking upside down. I pulled away from her breast by bringing my teeth together over her precious nipple, biting just enough to make her whimper but never enough to actually cause her any pain. I broke away and put my left hand to the bed, lifting up so I could see her entire body. The way her stomach was lifting and lowering from her heavy breathing. The way her hips were still rocking. The sound of my fingers touching her wetness, the sweet sound echoing through the

bedroom. She finally collapsed to the bed and started to shut her legs, chasing away my touch. I eased out of her and stood at the edge of the bed, admiring her. She stared at me with a hopeless look in her eyes. Is that what we are, darlin’? We just pleasure each other? We don’t talk for years. We don’t talk at all. We pretend nothing happened. We just fuck each other senseless and then disappear? If that’s what Lacey wanted, that’s what I would give her. Anything for her. Lacey forced herself to sit up and came to the edge of the bed. “Darlin’,” I said. “I don’t know what this means…” She stuck her hands up my shirt and lifted. Her arms were as straight as they could go. I grabbed the shirt from her and took it off. Her hands clawed at my chest, scratching down as her mouth came forward and kissed me. The feeling of her sweet lips against my bare skin made my cock ache. I

was filling up my jeans pretty fast. It was uncomfortable. I made fists and watched as she kissed down my stomach to the top of my jeans. Her hands were right behind her lips, going for the button on my jeans. Opening them, she pushed them down, her fingers wrapping around my boxers too. I let out a sigh of relief as I felt my cock pop free. Lacey made a surprised sound followed by a groan. “Yes,” she purred, her hot breath hitting my shaft. I gritted my teeth and growled deep in my throat again. She took my jeans down to my knees and then brought her hands back up. When she touched my bare cock, I sucked in a breath. I let out a hiss as her fingers teased all the way up to my sensitive tip. Her right hand rolled over the tip and then back down. As she gripped my root tight she looked up at me with flirty eyes that threatened to destroy me. She knew what she was capable of doing to

me. Without breaking her stare, she came forward and pressed her lips against my hardness. Kissing me over and over, groaning each time she did. I watched as her mouth began to open, savoring me. She inched down a little and pulled back, repeating the same motion a few times. I could have finished right then and there. But that’s not what I wanted. At least not in this moment between us. I put my hands on her shoulders and guided her away from me. “River…” “Easy, darlin’,” I said with a grin. I crouched down and put my hands to her sides. I lifted her and threw her back on the bed. “I want to feel you.” I lowered my hips down to hers, feeling her warm center. She was still burning wet and hot for me, ready to accept. I thrust forward, entering her, my hands now pulling at the bedsheets as she sheathed me so impossibly tightly. Her back instantly arched again

as she cried out. I pulled back and thrust again. I gritted my teeth, feeling more and more power surge through me with each thrust. It was like suddenly the last ten years decided to catch up to me. Lacey grabbed at my shoulders and held tight. She looked at me, crunching forward a little as I sped up. I felt as though I was losing all control of my body. I just stared at her, teeth gritted, lip curled, my eyes burning into hers. Regret and anger flowed through me as freely as love did. I finally caught up to myself and thrust forward and held there. Lacey rocked her hips, her beautiful core squeezing against me, bringing me to the edge. I pulled back and came forward slowly. “No,” she groaned. “Like before. Have me, River. Don’t hold back.” She wrapped her legs around me. She wanted it hard. She wanted it fast. So, that’s how I gave it to her. Harder, faster. Our breathing going wild. The room filling

with heat. I lowered myself down to her chest and kissed her. From breast to breast, memorizing the taste of her skin and her sweat. I kissed up to her neck and then rested there, putting the bridge of my nose there and nestling against her. Lacey put her hands around me and held me there. It was like she was cuddling me as I loved her body. Her left hand moved down to my back, digging at me. “Yes, River,” she said. “Yes… I love you…” That only made me move faster. My heart was racing faster than I could remember. I felt her starting to climax again. That was all my body could handle. I pulled back and with one last thrust, I was deeper than I had ever been before as I let myself go. We came together, our bodies entangled with sweat and romance. I pulled away from the crook of her neck and started to kiss her.

We kept kissing. We didn’t stop, either. We kissed sloppily. We kissed gently. We took a break for a few seconds to stare at each other. The love was there. I felt it. I knew she felt it. It was real. Scary real. We kissed again. We kissed until I was ready to have her again.

LACEY PRESENT DAY

to let out a yell, but I had no breath. I I tried felt River inside me, releasing, filling me with a pressure that made me feel like I was going to explode. I was sitting up on his hands, my legs wrapped around him. My head was back, staring at the ceiling as I tried to breathe. His lips and tongue kissed from my chest to my neck as he growled with the pulse of his cock. His hands were wrapped tight around me, pulling me down as he

thrust up and came. When he was done, he gently set me down to the bed. He was still inside me, moving with a delicate kind of love to my body as I tingled everywhere. He started to kiss me again, and I wasn’t sure my body could handle round three. But River pulled away. He rubbed the tip of his nose against mine. I was suddenly taken back to the abandoned house. That same move River used to pull when we were finished. “It was just a house,” he whispered. “What?” “The old house. I’m sorry it burned down.” “I know,” I whispered. “I just…” “I know,” he said with a grin. “I had this vision of buying that place and fixing it up for you. Giving it to you. Letting you make it what you want.” “We have the memories,” I said. “Right?” “Yeah. Right. You didn’t come here to talk about that house, did you?” “No,” I said. “Need a drink?”

“Please.” River kissed me again and got out of the bed. I turned to my side and grinned, staring at his perfect ass. The way his body was built it was like he had been carved by hand out of stone. His back muscles came down right to his steel-cut ass. I bit my lip, imagining what his ass must have looked like a few minutes ago as he worked so hard to pleasure me. He stepped into nothing but jeans and left the bedroom. I hurried to climb of out the bed too, taking the bedsheet with me. I was going to walk out in nothing but that, but I spotted a blue bathrobe hanging on the door. I grabbed it and put it to my nose. It smelled like River. That turned me on, making my inner thighs quiver. I put the robe on and exited the room. I met him in the kitchen to find him standing at the counter with two beers. “Well,” he said. “Look at you.” “What are these?” I asked, pointing to a group of drawings on the counter.

“Sketches for tattoos,” he said. “They’re beautiful.” “I was thinking about having my own line of stuff,” he said. “Just a little dream. I started working on it a while ago, but things fell through.” “What fell through?” “My shop.” “Your shop?” River twisted the caps off and gave me a bottle. “I had a tattoo shop, Lacey. Right on the beach.” “Wow.” “Yeah, wow.” He smirked. “It was a good place. I struggled to figure out how to run a business.” “What happened? Why did you close it?” “It was just time to shut it all down, Lacey. I needed a change to save myself. Things were just out of control in my life. I never could settle anywhere for long. The second I did, I thought about you.” “Axel sent me here.”

“What?” I gave him the two-minute rundown of what had happened with Axel and his mother. “Wow,” River said. “That’s a ‘small’ world kind of thing.” “Yeah, I guess.” “Lacey, how did you end up so close here?” I lowered my head. “Damn, darling, I can be anything you want right now.” “What do you mean?” River put his beer bottle down and walked around the counter. He put his hands to my waist and looked down at me. “Lacey, I will be anything you want. If you need someone to just comfort your body and needs, fine. If you need someone to take care of you, fine. But if this is going to be about us…don't hide. Don’t hold back.” “I left to come find you,” I admitted. “I ended up meeting Karen. She’s been my best friend. I slept on her couch for a while. I was lost. So lost. I gave everything up, River. I reached my breaking

point and just left. But when it came to actually finding you, I was terrified.” “Of what?” “Because I should have never gone with my parents to begin with. No matter how we might have lived together and survived. I never would have resented you.” “You can’t know that, Lacey. It was a hard road after you left. The garage got shut down. I was dead broke. I fought so much…I don’t know how I didn’t end up dead. Maybe going to prison was a blessing for me.” “Tell me about that, River.” “I told you that I had someone check on you.” “Yeah,” I said, feeling that sting in my gut. “I’m sorry, Lacey. I just needed to know if you were happy. I was close to getting pulled into an even darker world with, well, the mob. They owed me a favor so I cashed it on to check on you. My guy said you were getting married. That someone was going to propose to you. I lost my mind. I went after a fight I shouldn’t have. It got busted up by the police, so I started to fight them.”

“The police?” “Yeah.” “You’re crazy.” “So I did time. But the thing was…I was able to get out really early. I made it out just in time to get to our spot. It was the only thing I could think about. That, and you getting married.” I lifted my left hand and showed it to him. “I didn’t get married. I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t what I wanted.” “Then why…” River turned his head. “No, darlin’. It doesn’t matter.” I reached up and touched his face. “It does matter. I was lost then, too, River. I saw the way my parents were. I knew I was close to that life, and it scared me. The whole engagement thing came out of nowhere. I said yes. That was a big mistake. I fixed that mistake, too. It meant I had to stand up to my parents, and I left literally everything behind.” “Med school…” “It’s not a dream if it doesn’t include you, River,” I said.

“Ah, fuck, Lacey.” His strong arms wrapped around me and hugged me. “I’m so sorry you went through that.” “That wasn’t it, River,” I said. I felt my throat wanting to close. I broke away from him and took a few steps back. “What is it?” he asked. “There was someone else, too.” “That’s okay,” he said. “I’ve had a girlfriend almost every year. And I always broke it off right before the date that I was supposed to meet you. It’s how I coped. I’m not exactly proud of that.” “River, I was with someone for a while,” I said. “And it ended without him knowing the truth.” “Okay…” I blinked fast and felt the tears starting to come. “I never got closure, River. He was killed in a car accident before I could tell him the truth.” I saw the look of surprise spread across his face. “Shit.” Then came the disappointment. “What was the truth, Lacey?”

“That I never loved him like I loved you,” I said. “That forever with me wasn’t possible because I promised forever to someone else.” River just stared at me. I couldn’t tell if he was mad or not. “Say something,” I whispered. “Please.” River swallowed hard. “I can’t believe all you’ve endured to get back to me.” “I love you, River,” I said. “I meant it when I said it before. Years ago. Now. Forever.” I took a step toward him, but River put his hand out to stop me. “Fuck. Lacey.” He looked at me and shook his head. “I have something else to tell you.”

River put distance between us. I was getting nervous now. “You knew I did time,” he said. “After you left with your parents, it was all a big spiral. I told you the garage closed. I started fighting more. I had a chance to get back into boxing. Really go legit. The

night I was told you were getting engaged, I skipped out of anything legit. And that’s not your fault, Lacey. That’s mine. I lived in this dark world because I couldn’t give you what you needed. Not about want, darling. About need. I hated your parents for what they did, but I understood it. You were going to become a doctor. Have a husband. A house, kids, all that. That’s a good kind of life to live, Lacey. See, when I got out and I got myself set up with a tattoo shop, things settled hard on me. I buried a couple more rings up on the mountain and I just…I lost myself really bad. I lost a lot of money. I was teetering on getting into trouble. And then came a woman. I fell for her. I actually fell for her pretty hard. I never thought it was possible to care after you but I did care. It wasn’t the same but it was close, Lacey. Then she told me she was pregnant.” I put a hand to my mouth. I gasped. Pregnant? River’s a father? I felt ill. He had gotten upset that I had been engaged. But he had a baby with another woman? Talk about

really moving on. “You’re a father,” I whispered. “I was a father,” he said. “What does that mean?” “She had a baby, but that baby wasn’t mine,” River said. “Oh, River…” “I just tried so hard to get over you, Lacey. And that felt like my way to do it. I got so hopeful that that was going to be it. This woman…she had this control over me or something. I would do anything for her. So I did. I had to get out of there. She was bringing heat on me and emotion that I couldn’t take, so I shut it down. I sold everything I owned. The shop. Everything inside it. And I gave it all to her and took off. Somehow, I ended up at St. Skin, and Tate took a look at my portfolio and took a chance on me. I mean, I literally had a bag of clothes, a truck on its last leg, and a folder of my tattoos. That was it, Lacey.” “How did we get so fucked up?” I asked, just blurting the words out. “Love,” River said. That’s when he moved

from the kitchen to me again. He grabbed my arms and slid his hands down until his fingers were interlaced to mine. “Love, Lacey. That’s what did it all. The kind of love that can either make your life or ruin it.” “It’s ruined our lives,” I said. I let out a weak laugh and felt a tear fall from my eye. “It really has, River.” “So what do we do here?” he asked. “Because I’m hooked. I’m addicted to you, Lacey. You. Are. Everything.” “I’m here right now,” I said. “We don’t need a spot, River. We don’t need an abandoned house. We don’t need a cabin. We don’t need the last ten years. We just need…” “Forever,” he whispered. We kissed, and our hands locked tighter together. River walked me to the bedroom, forcing me to walk backward with his kisses. In the room, he stripped the robe off my body, and I stood before him, naked. His hands traveled around my body, and his

mouth followed. We touched. We tasted. We fucked. And for the first time ever, he held me through the night. But I knew how our past went, and the future seemed so blurry. I feared that forever wasn’t going to live up to its expectations.

RIVER PRESENT DAY

the pancake high into the air. It I flipped flipped over in what felt like slow motion. It came down and smacked the edge of the griddle, half of it sizzling while the other half flopped to the counter, splashing pancake batter all over my stomach. “Fuck,” I said. “You were so close, too,” Lacey said with a teasing voice. She put up her thumb and pointer

finger, making them almost touch. “That’s my trick,” I said. “It’s all I got.” “So, you’ve done this for other women?” “A magician never reveals his secrets,” I said. “A magician isn’t supposed to screw up.” I pointed the spatula at her. “Easy now.” I smiled. I scooped up the leftover of the mushy pancake and flipped it back to the griddle. I looked down at my stomach and grabbed for a towel. “Wait,” Lacey said. She jumped out of her chair and rushed around the counter. “What?” I asked. Right there in the kitchen she dropped to her knees and grabbed the top of my jeans. “I’ll get it,” she whispered. She came forward, her eyes looking up at me. She opened her mouth and let that sweet tongue of hers come out to play. The tip of her tongue ran across my stomach and up, licking the pancake batter right off me. “Fuck,” I groaned.

Lacey repeated the move one more time, then stopped. “Can’t waste a drop,” she purred and stood back up. My dick throbbed and I grabbed her by her curvy hips and sat her right on the counter. I thrust myself between her legs and touched her face. “I’m never wrong,” I whispered. “What?” “I fucked up that pancake just so I could get you like this,” I said. “Bullshit,” she said. I kissed her, my tongue tasting the batter on her lips and her tongue. “We’re going to waste breakfast,” she said. I grabbed the cord of the griddle and tore it from the wall. Sparks flew, and the griddle made a pop sound as the burner turned off. “I suck at making pancakes,” I said. “And there’s a great little place right down on the corner. I know the owner. He’s got a sleeve of ink dedicated to my work. I get all the free pancakes I want.”

I kissed her again, and she put her arms around my shoulders. “Mmmm, I like the sound of that,” she said. “But we should work up an appetite first.” I pulled her from the counter, and she let out a little yelp. I took her right back to the bed where we had woken up just a short while ago. I dropped her down and pulled the knot in the robe she was wearing. We had officially reached the point where she was leaving some of her things behind at my place. And I kind of liked it. Fuck, I really liked it. My hand parted the silk cloth of the robe, and my hand sought comfort over her left breast. Lacey groaned and arched her back, offering herself to me. Her robe slid along her shoulders, exposing more skin. I kissed her neck and started to move down. I stripped her of her robe as she pushed at my boxers. A few kicks of my legs, and I was naked. With her robe open, she was naked under it.

I eyed her body and licked my lips. “What a perfect breakfast.” “That’s weird,” she said. I smiled and kissed at her belly button. My eyes kept their gaze locked onto hers as I moved down, going right for what I wanted. Weird or not, she was the first thing I was about to drink this morning. My tongue touched her clit, and her hips jerked up off the bed. Her hands grabbed the sheet. “Oh, River,” she groaned. My tongue moved down and back up, tasting her sweet honey. Just like that, I’d never thirst for coffee in the morning ever again. I enjoyed her for a few minutes, loving the way her hips moved. I placed my hands against them, memorizing those moves, knowing they’d forever haunt my heart and make me wish for the next chance to taste her and have her. We were together now, and it felt right. Not everything was perfect, but the woman I loved was in my bed, in my arms, and in my care.

There wasn’t much more I could ask for in life. My trail of kisses up her body was a slow seduction, stealing every fucking second of the morning that I could grab. I had ten years to make up for, plus the rest of my life. I paused at her breasts and gently ran my nose against her nipples one at a time, watching them shiver, becoming hard nubs. I kissed again and worked up to her mouth. I brought my lower half to her and felt her body welcome me with a warmth like a blanket on a cold night. As I sank into her, Lacey let out a whimper and bit my bottom lip. She shut her eyes, and I felt her hips quivering beneath me. She was starting to come already. Nothing made me feel more powerful than I did at that moment, controlling her pleasure. I pulled back like the hammer of a gun and slammed forward. Lacey let out a cry and crunched herself forward. I wrapped one arm around her and pulled her close to my chest. I kissed the top of her head as I started to fuck her, to love her.

She bit at my chest, hard, letting out groan after groan as I had her the way I wanted her. The sunlight peeked through the cracks in the blinds. The world was waking up, and most of it was on its way to work. Just another wild day in this saga between myself and Lacey. But this…fuck, I could have this every morning for the rest of my life. I sucked in a breath as I felt my cock throbbing, ready to let go. Lacey looked up at me, her eyes beautiful. “I love you, darlin’,” I whispered. Then I kissed her and released myself.

I stood in the doorway when she opened the shower curtain. She was already wearing a towel. “Damn,” I said. “Thought I was getting a show.” “You’ve had enough of a show. I have things to do today.”

“Like what?” “I have to go check on Axel’s mother,” she said. “Oh. How is she…” Lacey frowned. “It’s not all that great. But it never is for me. The goal at this point is comfort.” “Shit,” I said. “He hasn’t told anyone else. Too proud, I think.” “I’m glad he at least has you. And his sister. But she seems like she’s itching to leave.” “I can’t imagine that’s an easy thing to watch happen,” I said. “It’s not,” Lacey said. She stepped out of the shower. As she tried to move by me, I put my hand out and stopped her. “Hey.” “Hey,” she said, looking at me with a seductive grin. “I want you to come with me to a barbecue.” “What?” “Tate is having one. He does them often. Gets all the guys from the shop together. They bring dates and stuff. Whatever. It’s…”

“Do you ever bring a date?” “I never went before.” “Why not?” “Not sure. I just didn’t go. Tate told me I have to be there this year or he’s cutting my dick off.” “Well, I don’t want that to happen.” “Exactly.” “So, it’s my job to save your dick,” Lacey said. God, I loved how fucking spunky she was now. She let her heart open and let her hair down. There was still pain hiding in those eyes of hers, but we let it all out. We both understood what that decade apart did to us. “Far from perfect but perfect” was an illusion of the eye. I touched her face and kissed her. “I’m serious, darlin’. I want you with me. Hang with the guys. They’re my family. They’re my only family, Lacey. After whatever happened with you and with my shop, I cut everyone out. I cut everything out. Even when I came to St. Skin, I hid a little. I want to show you off.” “Show me off?” she asked. “Damn right. You’re the most beautiful woman

I’ve ever met. You’ve had me from day one. I want to show that off. I wanted make all those clowns jealous.” “A bunch of unruly tattoo artists partying and a barbecue?” “To be fair, there will be more than just tattoo artists there.” “Well, I stand corrected.” I slipped my hand into hers. “I’m serious, Lacey. I want everything with you. What we have right now is amazing. I like this. I love it. Shit, I love you. But we have to be cooped up all the time in here, you know?” She nodded. She smiled. “What?” I asked. “You’re everything to me, River. I’m not really hiding, but I guess…I don’t know. I don’t want to put this all out in the open and then get hurt. It was bad enough losing you the first time…” “You’re never going to lose me again. I promise.” Lacey nodded. “A barbecue sounds amazing. I don’t have any tattoos, though. Will I fit in?”

“You’ll just be the bare-skinned freak,” I said with a wink. “Thanks.” “These guys are my brothers. They’re going to love you. It’s the final piece to my puzzle. The last piece of the dream, Lacey. And from here on out, I want you to figure out your dream.” “My dream?” “Yeah. You ditched med school plans. I can’t imagine that you truly love what you do right now. So, figure out your dream, and let’s make it happen.” “I’ve got you, River…” “No, no,” I said. “Beyond all that romance stuff. Something that you want out of life. That I can help give you. I can…I can support us, Lacey. You can live here. Or I’ll go live with you. Whatever you want. Not a hand out or anything, okay? But…what I always wanted and promised— me taking care of you—that’s what I want to do. Take care of you.” Lacey grinned and moved up to her toes. She kissed my chin. “You’re cute when you get

flustered.” “I’m not flustered,” I said. Lacey walked into the bedroom and dropped the towel. She looked over her shoulder at me. I growled deep in my throat. Then I sighed. “Okay, now I’m flustered.”

LACEY PRESENT DAY

T

ate had a hell of a house. It was almost like a rock star’s palace. A large wrap-around driveway with landscaping in the middle adorned the front. I half-expected to see a water fountain in the middle of it, but there wasn’t one. But there were cars and motorcycles parked everywhere, nothing fancily parked by some valet. “Um, how rich is this guy?” I asked River. He laughed. “He’s not exactly rich. Just smart

with his money. Don’t let the size and strength confuse you. Tate is a smart guy. He’s worked his ass off all his life. He got this place on the cheap after the previous owner fucked up with his own money. It took a lot of work to get it into this shape though.” River took my hand after I got out of the truck, and he led the way to the front door and just led us inside without knocking. The interior was really nice, but really different. Nothing laced with marble and gold. Nothing glittering and shining with the aura of wealth. Instead, it was just a laidback kind of house on the inside. The walls were graced with framed pictures of tattoos, St. Skin, famous people who had come into the shop to get some ink done. When you opened the front door, there was a straight shot all the way to the back of the house. A hallway led the way, stairs on the left, a wall on the right. That gave way to a kitchen that had almost cathedral ceilings. The ceilings were angled with four skylights. “Hey, there they are,” Prick said as he lifted a

cup and winked. “Prick,” River said. “You remember Lacey?” “How can I forget?” he said with a wink. “What do you want to drink? I’ll make you one of my signatures.” “Don’t take it,” a voice said as the door opened. It was Axel. He was holding a bottle of beer. “All he does is mix straight booze. You drink it and your liver just cries in a pain.” “But it’s so worth it,” Prick said. He turned and stumbled, hitting the counter. “How many have you had?” I asked. “Three or four,” Prick said. “Two,” Axel said. “He’s had two. And he’s half-shot. Tate’s ready to drown him in the pool.” “Fuck off,” Prick said. “Hey Prick,” Axel said. He put his beer bottle down. Then he cupped his hands around his mouth. “Drink water!” He yelled it loud and Prick put the cup down. “Fine. I’ll go get water. From the pool.” Prick left the house and Axel shook his head. “He’s a prick.”

“Fits the name,” I said. “Let’s get something to eat,” River said. “Um, if this is unprofessional, let me know,” Axel said. “My mother…” “Ah, come on, man,” River said. “No, it’s okay,” I said. “Why don’t you go get us a beer?” River looked at me. I nodded and smiled. There was no turning things off when it came to dealing with a loved one who was going to pass away. River walked by and paused at Axel. He gave him an evil look, then slipped outside. “What do you want to know?” I asked. “He’s pissed, huh?” Axel asked. “He’s fine,” I said. “This is supposed to be a no-work-talk party.” “Tattoos versus my sick mother,” Axel said bobbing his head left to right. “I get it,” I said. “I didn’t get a chance to swing by there the last couple days,” Axel said. “Been busy. And…uh…” “Axel, it’s hard to watch, I know,” I said. “But

if I can give advice as a friend? Don’t miss out on this. No matter what. If you do, you’ll look back and regret it.” “She’s doing okay, though?” I swallowed hard. I could see it in Axel’s eyes. He wasn’t willing to accept the truth. Or fate. “She’s as comfortable as we can make her,” I said. “I promise you that, Axel.” Axel rubbed his cheek. “Fuck. It’s just…that’s not the person I know.” “I understand,” I said. I heard the roar of laughter outside through the thick glass of the door. “Just please, don’t sacrifice this time you have.” “What does…” The door opened, and in came River holding two beers. Behind him came Max, Maddox, and Cass. Cass was holding a beautiful little girl who had the brightest blue eyes I’d ever seen. She was in a little bathing suit and a bucket hat that matched. The cuteness was on overload. “What’s going in here?” Max asked. “Tate wants us all outside.” I stepped out with River, his hand slipping into

mine. There was a large concrete patio outside that was rounded. On one side, there was a large fireplace, and on the opposite was an outdoor kitchen. Tate manned the grill. He turned around after shutting the lid, grabbing a drink and lifting it up. Then he stuck his fingers into his mouth and whistled as loud as he could. Everyone stopped and looked at him. I took stock of everyone there. River whispered in my ear, naming those I didn’t know. There was a guy named Gonzo. He owned the local auto garage. There was a cop there, but he was drinking water. A guy named Pecker, who was a bartender at a local dive. Cass handed the little girl off to a beautiful woman with dark hair and dark eyes. River whispered that she was Diem, Cass’s woman. Tate looked around, making sure he had everyone’s attention. “Food is ready,” Tate announced. Everyone started to cheer. He waved a hand. It got quiet. “I just wanted to thank everyone for being

here,” Tate said. “I couldn’t be here without you all. St. Skin started as nothing but an idea. A drunken idea at that. Somehow, between shots of whiskey, I shook hands, made deals, and instead of waking up from a one night stand, I woke up with a building and a name. You guys and gals are the best I’ve ever met. Here’s to another wild year for St. Skin.” A few cheers and claps echoed around. “Now,” Tate said. “I expect everyone to drink. To laugh. To swim. To cause trouble, but not too much. The police are already here.” There was a rumble of boooos. Tate laughed. “As I look around, I realize this is becoming a little more of a family party than the rock star vibe we used to have,” Tate said. “And I like that. So, eat the food. Drink the booze. Love life.” Tate threw his drink back, and everyone cheered again. “He loves giving speeches,” River whispered to me. “Are you hungry?” “Starving,” I said.

“Good. Come on.” We all lined up and got our plates. I looked over my shoulder just in time to see Axel slipping back into the house. He was looking down at his phone. I felt bad for him. I could only do so much. After all, in my eyes I had lost my parents a long time ago and there was no love loss involved with it. “Hey, you okay?” River asked as he put a hand to my back. I looked up at him. The only man I ever loved. “I’m perfect,” I whispered. “Good. Now let’s get you fed, drunk, and naked in that pool.” I laughed. River didn’t. He was serious. And it was going to happen.

It was me with my head against River’s shoulder.

Then there was Tate, Axel, and Maddox. Prick was on the stone ground, curled up like a baby, almost sucking his thumb. He somehow kept all his food down and decided to just sleep off whatever was in his special drinks. Tate flicked a cigarette into the fire pit. “Remember the first time River met Dirt?” “Dirt?” I asked. “Is that some joke…” “Oh, no,” Axel said. He was good and drunk. “You haven’t lived in this town until you met Dirt.” “Is Dirt a…person?” I asked. “He’s an asshole,” River said. “That he is,” Tate said. “Shit, how many times did Cass get arrested fighting him?” “Cass got arrested?” I asked. “More than once,” Tate said. “Meeting Diem toned him down a little. She was raising his daughter. That’s a whole other story though. Probably not my place to tell it.” “Agreed,” Maddox said. “So, about River…” “What the fuck is this?” he asked. “You trying to embarrass me?” Maddox laughed.

“I want to hear,” I said. “Did he fight Dirt?” “He knocked him clean out,” Tate said. “With one punch.” “Then he kicked him under a pool table so when Jonesy and the cops arrived, they couldn’t find Dirt.” “What?” I asked. River looked down at me and winked. “He ran his mouth, and I wanted to show how cool I was to the guys.” “Real cool,” Axel said. “He was a bum.” “Who?” River asked. “You,” Axel said with a laugh. “Lacey,” Tate said. “You remember those cartoons and shows where the bum would have the scruff on his face? His big toe sticking out of his shoe? Carrying broomstick handle with a handkerchief balled up with some cans of beans in it? That was River.” “Wow,” I said. “A bum.” “Not a bum,” River said. “I was in a transition part of my life.” “Yeah,” Axel said. “The one where you said

you had no money, no job, nothing.” I thought about what River had told me. How some woman said she was pregnant with his kid. And how the kid turned out not to be his. And that he sold his shop and gave her everything and then split. I had to bite my tongue a little as the guys poked fun at River, trying to get a rise out of him in front of me. I just grabbed at River’s hand and squeezed tight. I knew the truth. That was all that mattered. After everyone got done laughing, it got really quiet. We all just stared at the fire for a while. Tate leaned forward and tossed another piece of wood to it. The flame died down a little for a minute before the wood crackled and popped, and the fire came back to full life. Then he looked at me. “So, you’re the one. Finally.” “Excuse me?” I asked. “Tate, what are you doing?” River asked. “No, it’s okay,” Tate said. “From the day I met River, his life revolved around you, Lacey. He

never got close to a person like he got close to you. He never brought anyone to my parties. Ever.” “Okay,” River said. He stood up. “You guys done here? “You built her a damn cabin,” Axel said. I looked up at River. “Richie wanted the cabin,” River said. “I just helped.” “Because you were always up there,” Axel said. “Looking for her. Waiting for her. Shit, I had been married once in my life, and I’m not sure I loved her as much as that.” “Jesus, man,” River said. “Can we let this go?” “Sorry,” Tate said. “I just think this is good. The two of you. It works. You seem happy, River.” I stood up and slipped my arms around River. “I know I’m happy. It’s been a long and crazy road for us.” “Well, with that said, I’m coming to the end of the road for the night,” Tate said. He put his feet up and leaned back in his chair. He put his head back and looked up to the sky. “I’m going in, then,” Axel said.

“I’ll follow you,” Maddox said. “What are you going to do with Prick?” I asked. “Screw him,” Maddox said. “He’ll wake up tomorrow and feel like hell.” “This was really fun,” I said as the small group broke apart. Nobody was listening to me, though. River grabbed at my hand. He tugged at me and nodded. “What?” I asked. He leaned down and put his lips to my ear. “How about we get you in the pool?”

RIVER PRESENT DAY

had her jeans rolled up and her feet in the S hewater. The whole naked thing didn’t work out so well, not that I could blame her. There were still a few people lingering around outside, finishing up their night. Most of everyone had crashed at Tate’s. I made sure to pace myself so I could get Lacey home. She gently kicked her feet in the water. There

were white lights along the side of the lining of the pool. I noticed that her toenails were a light blue color. I liked it. “This is my last one,” I said, grabbing my beer. “Then we head out.” “Great. Are you sure you don’t want to stay? Wake up and have breakfast?” “Trust me, there’s no breakfast here, darling,” I said. “They wake up, take pills for their headaches, drink coffee, and move on.” “Thanks for inviting me,” she said. “I like this. I mean, this part of your life. The town. St. Skin. Everyone who works there.” “I guess you could say it’s my family,” I said. “You’re a lucky man, River.” I looked down at her and kissed her. “Now I’m a lucky man. Being next to you. Kissing you. Loving you.” “It can’t all be about me,” she said. I touched her chin. “Lacey. Yes it can. Everything is about you.” “I love you, River.” I leaned back to my elbows and pulled Lacey

down to me. “Look up at the stars, darling. Tell me what you see.” “Can I tell you the truth?” “That’s all I ever want from you, Lacey.” “I haven’t seen a night this clear in a while.” “That’s what you wanted to tell me?” “No. The last time I saw a night this clear… was when Kyle died.” “Oh,” I said. “Car accident, right?” “Yeah.” “I’m really sorry that happened.” “So am I,” she said. I kissed the top of her head. “Tell me about it all, Lacey.” “I left everything behind, River. I was a mess. I was lost. Kyle was just…there. It’s funny, I think I was the perfect girlfriend for him. I never talked about being serious. I never questioned where he was or what he was doing. I was just there, like he was. We weren’t close, but we weren’t distant. You know?” “Trust me, Lacey, I know. I did it for years.” “I never felt totally right with him,” she said. “I

had planned on telling him the truth. But I just got stuck in this rut, River. Working all day with people who were barely hanging on. And when they would pass, it hurt so much. I couldn’t stand to go home to an empty apartment. So, it was comfort. I think it was that way for both of us. And then one night, he went out with some friends and never came home. The craziest part was that his mother called me to tell me. I walked outside and looked up to the stars. It was clear, just like this. I was crying,. Yeah, I was definitely crying. I felt bad for Kyle and his whole family. I felt bad that I lost someone I cared for. But I felt bad for Kyle. Because in that moment…I started to feel free. Oh my gosh, River, that sounds so evil.” “No it doesn’t,” I said, stroking her hair. “You’re being honest with yourself.” “I told myself right then that next year, I would go to our spot and see what would happen. I just wish it didn’t happen that way. I wish I could have told Kyle the truth. Maybe he wouldn’t have gone out that night…” “Oh, Lacey, you can’t do that. You didn’t chase

him out that night. He had plans. Whether it was with you or someone else. That’s just how life-” “I get it, River,” she said. She looked up at me. “I’ve seen a lot of death in my time of not having you in my life. Maybe my heart’s a little worried.” “Well let me un-worry you,” I said. “I don’t think that’s a real word.” “I just made it a real word.” “Can we go home now?” “Of course,” I whispered. I kissed her. She grabbed her socks and shoes. Instead of letting her put them back on, I just lifted her up, cradling her as I walked her toward the house. I carried her to my truck. Then I stood there and looked up the stars again. I never once believed in dreams or fate or understanding what it meant to have things work out the right way. Right then, I fucking got it. I had everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever needed. “What are you doing?” Lacey asked me.

“Never forgetting this moment,” I said. And I never would forget it. Because we were just days away from being ripped apart again.

I held her perfect body tight to mine. She was panting, short on air, her lips kissing against my neck. Each time she exhaled, she groaned. My fingertips trailed down to her perfect ass. She jumped and groaned. I was still inside her, ready to have her again. My hands kept going. I stopped at the back of her legs and pulled, bringing her knees forward. My hands then moved up to her hips and I held her tight. “I fucking love your body, darling,” I said. “I can’t get enough of you.” “I can feel that,” Lacey whispered. She gently rocked her hips forward and back. I was instantly brought back to life. “Oh, River,” Lacey said, biting her lip. Her hands moved from the bed to my chest. I

felt her nails dig into my skin. “It’s okay,” I whispered. “Nice and easy.” She started to move her hips again. Fuck, she had this little seductive move where she would start moving at her upper stomach, almost like she was belly dancing. Only she was making that wicked move with my thickness inside her. As she sheathed me, the space began to fill up. The fuller I got, the better it felt. “Oh, yes,” she whispered. She shut her eyes and lowered her head. Her hair tickled at my face. I inhaled the smell of her hair as my hands came up her body some more. I cupped her breasts with both hands, feeling the hard nubs of her nipples against the palms of my hands. She was bucking her hips at me, groaning, but I could feel that she was tired. I had kept her up too late and loved her too hard. But I wasn’t done with her just yet. Not a chance in hell. I slipped my hand around to her lower back and held tight. I then sat up, easing the burden of

fucking me off Lacey. We sat there for a few seconds, staring at each other, breathing heavy. She reached up and touched my face, digging her fingers into the scruff on my face. “River…oh, fuck, River…” “I know, darlin’,” I whispered. “Trust me, I know.” The mix of pleasure and romance was sometimes hard to understand. We had both become accustomed to looking over our shoulders for the next wave to hit. But for tonight, it was just us. I put Lacey on her back and my hands to the bed. I stared at her beautiful body as I loved her. I thrust deep and slow inside her, feeling every inch within her as she felt every inch of me. She arched her back and groaned. I kissed her breasts, my tongue flicking against her nipples, my teeth teasing her. When she came, her back crashed to the bed, and she grabbed the sheets, lifting her hips off the bed for me. I didn’t let up, though. I kept loving her, fucking her, feeling her. The sounds in my

bedroom were the best I’d ever heard. Lacey gave me a sense of home that no apartment, house, mansion, or city could ever do. All I needed was her. I let that thought ring through my head. All I needed was her. “River!” she cried out as her back arched again. I wrapped my arms tight around her and pulled her tight against me. I thrust my body as I kissed her neck and stopped at her ear. “I’m right here, darling. And I’m not fucking going anywhere…”

I kept one earbud in as I listened to music. My right ear was exposed to the beautiful buzz of the needle as it worked fast, depositing ink into the calf of guy named Petey. He was getting a tattoo of two dogs —a Jack Russell and a German Shepard. They were his two dogs when he’d been a kid, and he

wanted them on his leg. If it meant a lot to him, it sure as hell meant a lot to me. The thing about tattooing was that time had no bearing on it. Time seemed to vanish for me while I worked. And the only time that did pass was when I was with Lacey. I would only stop tattooing to give the person some relief. I let them be the judge as to when to stop, keep going, or make another appointment. As for me, I could just keep going forever. Lucky for Petey, this was his second sitting, and I was done. I wiped his leg down of the leftover ink, then admired what I had created. “Big and small,” I said with a nod. “And here’s the thing,” Petey said in a rough voice. “The little one was the bastard. She was the one who would bite, fight, all that. If the doorbell rang, she ran to the door. The big guy would hide under the table or under my bed.” I laughed. “That’s pretty funny. No dog now, though?” “Nah. Not a good time in my life. But this…”

Petey strained so he could see his calf. “This is fucking amazing, River. Your work is…” “Thank you,” I said. “Let’s get you patched up and out of here.” I nodded to his fully tattooed arms. “I assume I don’t have to tell you what to do to take care of that.” “Yeah, I’m good,” Petey said with a laugh. He sat up, and we shook hands. He left some cash on my counter and went out front to pay. I cleaned up my room and stretched my neck and back. He was the last tattoo of the day. I looked at the clock and knew Lacey still had some left in her work day. She was at Axel’s mother’s house. He still hadn’t told the rest of the guys that his mother was dying. Hell, he didn’t even talk to me about it. Lacey mentioned that she feared he was in some kind of denial about it, constantly asking her when his mother was going to get better. I offered to talk to him, but Lacey told me not to do that. So I held back. I went out to the front of the shop and found Tate and Maddox standing at the window. Tate nodded to me. “You did great on that last

one, huh?” “What?” “That guy. He wouldn’t stop talking about you.” “There you go, then,” I said. “I’m famous.” “Get that shit online,” Maddox said. “I’m telling you, River. You’re missing out.” I thought about the line of tattoos I had designed. If I started to put myself out there more on social media like Tate wanted, things could really open up for me. That was the thing about Tate—he didn’t act greedy with any of us. He wanted all of us to get rich and famous. “Well, the choice might be made for you, River,” Tate said. “What’s that?” I asked. “Got some sniffs about having stuff filmed in the shop. For a documentary series. To explore the art side of tattoos. Help cut out the assumptions that we’re a bunch of unruly people.” “Cameras, huh?” I asked. “And all the lights and glitz,” Maddox said with a laugh.

“You know I hate that shit, Tate. What I do is personal.” “Your personal life is between the sheets with Lacey,” Tate said. “Here at the shop, it’s about doing more. A lot more. There’s big plans. This isn’t some beach tattoo shop.” “Was that a jab at me?” I asked. “Hardly,” Tate said. He grabbed my shoulder. “Look at your bank account. Compare it to when you were inking on the beach.” He winked at me. My cellphone started to ring, saving me from the pending argument with Tate over me being on camera and plastered over social media. “It’s Lacey,” I said, stepping back. “I need to take this.” “Tell the little lady we all said hello,” Tate said with a wink. I turned and took the call. “I owe you one, darling. Tate was just…” I heard Lacey sniffle. My blood ran icy-cold. I had caught her two times on the balcony of my apartment, smoking a cigarette, crying. When I

asked why, she told me the past hurt her. I knew she felt guilty over what happened with that Kyle guy, but there wasn’t a damn thing me or her could do about it. I gritted my teeth for a second. I couldn’t get mad at her for sharing her feelings. “What is it, darling?” She sucked in a shaky breath. “River…” “What? Tell me?” Of all the things in my mind, I never could have expected her to say what she said. “My mother is dead.”

LACEY PRESENT DAY

F

rom the second the plane touched down, things were all a big blur. I wasn’t sure how to accept what was said to me by my parents’ butler, Jerry. Yes, they had a butler. A man who lived with them in his own little quarters, which were basically a converted garage. And he had done everything, including making the phone call that my mother had passed away. She had been briefly sick with some kind of

liver issue and passed suddenly in her sleep. River took charge after I got the news. He scooped me up off his balcony and packed bags for me and him, scheduled the flight, paid for it, and communicated with Jerry when needed. The truth? I wasn’t sure whether I should have been sad or angry. And that alone made me mad. How could I have not known she was sick? And why hadn’t my father called me? There were a lot more questions that swirled through my head as I walked through the airport, River’s hand in mine, him carrying our bags. When we got outside and got blasted with the chilly early spring New York air, I looked at River. “Thank you,” I said. “For what?” “For being here. I couldn’t be here without you. I don’t know what to expect. And you know how they felt about you…” “We’re not teenagers,” River said. “And I love you, Lacey. Nothing can stop me from loving you and taking care of you.”

River had arranged for a car and everything. We got into the car, turned on the GPS, and started our drive. I dialed the number Jerry had called me from. “Jerry, this is Lacey,” I said. “Yes, ma’am, of course.” “Please just call me Lacey. I’m not some rich person, okay?” “As you wish. What can I help you with?” “Are there services being held?” “Ma’am…Lacey…your father requested you to come to the residence. That’s what I was told to tell you.” “Jerry, that tells me nothing. Is my mother really dead?” My throat tightened that I had just asked that question. For all I knew, this could have been my parents pulling a stunt to break me away from River again. “Yes, I’m sorry to say it, but yes, she has perished.” Perished? I cringed.

I had memories of my parents sitting at the dining room table clipping coupons. And, yeah, even when my father got a better job and made good money, they didn’t act all hoity-toity. “Where is my father?” “He’s grieving, Miss Lacey,” Jerry said. “Why hasn’t he spoken to me?” “He said he will speak to you when you arrive.” “We should be there in the hour,” I said, ending the call. River reached for my hand. He didn’t have to say a word to comfort me. I loved him for that. “River?” “Yeah, darling?” “I’m sorry for whatever happens.” “You have nothing to worry about. Whatever is waiting, we’ll get through it together. And if we get there and you decide you don’t want this, then we leave. I just want you to find whatever closure you can get in all this shit from your past.” “I just never understood them. How they could be so fake? How they could never experience

love?” “They had a different kind of love, Lacey. A love for material items. To me, that’s wrong, but to others, it’s what they want. We can’t change people, darlin’. We can only be ourselves.” I made a move and put my hand on top of his. The world sped by, the seconds and the road pulling me closer to my parents. “River?” I asked again. “Talk to me, Lacey,” he said. I swallowed hard and looked out the window. “I don’t have a good feeling about this…at all.”

And I was right. We arrived at the massive house, and Jerry was waiting out front. The sprawling house—more like a mansion—made Tate’s large house look like a garage. Jerry was in a fancy suit and stood stoically, almost like he was afraid to move until we

addressed him. The steps to the house were wide and there was plenty to climb. The entire way, River kept a tight lock to my hand. He was constantly reassuring me things would be okay. Even if it was lie, it was a comfort lie. The only kind of lie I would ever accept from River. “Miss Lacey,” Jerry said with a weak smile. The only thing missing from his attire was a pair of white gloves. We shook hands and then he addressed River. “Can I have your name, sir?” “Oh, trust me, he knows who I am,” River said. “Very well. Miss Lacey, your father would like a word with you.” He glanced at River again. “Alone.” I opened my mouth, but River stepped in. “Not a chance,” River said. “We’re here together. I’m here to help her. Bad enough nobody contacted her when her mother was ill. Now she missed her passing? I refuse to step away from my love.”

“Right,” Jerry said. “Very well. This will upset Mr. William, you understand.” “I’m used to letting him down,” I said. “Now, can someone please tell me when the services are for my mother?” Jerry ignored my question and opened the massive front door. Excuse me, he opened one of two massive doors. The inside of the house was something out of a television show. A grand staircase that could be walked up from either the left or right. The middle was wide-open, large foyer with a chandelier hanging high above our heads. To the right, I saw a small room that had a couple chairs and a piano. To the left was a room with a couch, two chairs, a large stone fireplace, and a table that had a tray with a bottle of booze on it. Everything was perfectly designed, perfectly put into place, and I bet most of the rooms in the house were barely used. “May I interest you both in a drink?” Jerry asked as he led the way from the foyer down a long hallway.

The hallway ended where the kitchen began. A kitchen, my mind, that was bigger than my apartment. Everything was marble, stainless steel, white with gold. Just money thrown around like it was nothing. “Did you hear me?” Jerry asked. “Yeah,” I said. “I don’t want anything.” “No thanks,” River said. “Well, Mr. William is expecting you, Miss Lacey. He’s in his private office on the east wing of the estate. I can take you there personally. However, I must again advise against Mr. River attending.” “You can tell Mr. William he can kiss my…” “It’s okay,” I said, putting a hand to River’s arm. “I’ll go alone.” “What?” I looked up at River. “I have to face him. Face this. Wait here for me?” “I’ll wait anywhere you want me to,” River said. He touched my face. He kissed me. “Just walk away when you need to.” “I did it before,” I said with a grin. “I can do it

again.” I broke away from River and left him standing in the kitchen. Jerry led the way through hallways, rooms, all the way to another wing of this sprawling house. The thing that struck me the most was that there wasn’t a single picture of my parents anywhere. Certainly no pictures of me. But how could they be in a marriage and have this so-called dream home and not have a single picture of themselves anywhere? My heart started to twist as the distance between me and River grew. I hadn’t seen my parents in close to five years. They were phantoms of my memory at that point, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt that my mother was gone. Jerry stopped at a large wooden door and stiffened his back. He licked his lips. This guy was actually afraid of my father. So, after all these years, my father finally found someone to boss around that he could actually control. Part of me wished I knew Jerry’s story so I could help him. But the truth? I just wanted to go. I wanted to leave

with River and get away from the pain and memory. Jerry then looked at me and nodded. He lifted his hand and knocked on the door.

My father sat in a large leather chair. He was holding a glass of whisky. A fire crackled in the fireplace, the flames flickering light against his face. The room was like a massive study. Books were from floor to ceiling with a large desk in the corner of the room. He had aged quite a bit, but I supposed selling your soul to money would do that. He had been a hardworking man, but the second he got a sniff of money, he turned into a greedy one. At the same time, he did give me a roof over my head. He had made sure I had clothing, meals, and toys. His decision to rip me away from River and go to New York might have had the best intentions for my becoming a doctor and securing a happy future for myself. I understood all of that. I really did.

My father turned his head and looked at me. “Lacey.” “Dad,” I whispered. I sucked in a breath and felt my eyes watering already. “Is she really gone?” I whispered, my voice crackling. “I’m afraid so,” he said. “Why…if she was ill…” “Sit, Lacey, please,” he said. “I’d rather not…” “Please,” he said. He leaned forward and put the glass down. He rubbed his chin. The hair on his face had visible gray everywhere. His eyes were saggy and weary. Those were things that money could fix, though. “I know you brought him with you.” “River?” “Yes.” “Yes. I brought him.” “So, after years of keeping your hand away from the fire, you jump right into it.” “I’m not here to talk about River. Or any of my

decisions in life. I came to pay my respects to my mother. I want to know when the service is and where. As soon as that’s over, I’m flying back home.” “Home?” he asked. “Isn’t this home?” “No,” I said. “This is all fake.” My father smiled. He shook a finger. “Sometimes I wonder where you got your heart from. That hippie ‘free spirit’ attitude. You love so much and so deeply. You just put it in all the wrong places.” I swallowed the words fuck you, and they burned going down. “Lacey, sit,” my father said. I walked across the large room and sat down. The leather chair was super comfortable. But I pretended to sit stiff and uncomfortable. “You look beautiful,” my father said. “Thank you. You look old.” He grinned. “I am old.” “What happened?” “She had some stomach pains. I guess she had been having them for a while and ignored them.

She just took medicines to make the pain go away. If she’d seen a doctor earlier…” My father shook his head. “That doesn’t matter right now. We were working tirelessly on a new project together. A real estate development venture. It was the closest I ever felt to her, Lacey, after having you. Working side-by-side on a business together. Then she was in the hospital, and doctors were telling us she was having liver failure. I made phone calls and offered money to anyone who had a pulse. But it didn’t matter. There wasn’t enough time. There just wasn’t enough fucking time.” My father looked at the fireplace. He was genuinely hurt over this. “I’m sorry you lost her,” I said. “When is the service?” He shook his head. “There is no service, Lacey.” “Excuse me?” My father then pointed to the fireplace. I looked and saw what looked like a large vase on the mantel. It took me a few seconds to realize what was happening. What it meant.

“She’s resting now,” he whispered. “She’ll now remain there on the mantel and I’ll remain here alone.” I stood up. “You had her cremated? Without telling me?” “It was my decision, Lacey. She was my wife.” “And she was supposed to be my mother,” I said. “Who are you? Who did you two become?” “We only wanted what was best for you,” he said. “So you ruined ten years of my life? I knew what I wanted, and I had it. For the record, I never finished medical school. I struggled to survive. And, yes, I found River. For the first time in ten years, I’m happy. I have a place in this world. And guess what? Money has nothing to do with it.” My father nodded. He pushed at the arms of the chair and stood up. He rubbed his chin again. “I can never take back what was done.” I glanced at the urn. That’s all that was left of my mother. Ashes. A shiver climbed up and down my spine. It was eerie and painful. My stomach flipped and tightened. I didn’t want to break down

in front of my father, though. I had to stand strong. “I thought I was doing what was best,” he said. “Your mother too. When you left…we thought you’d be back. The world is a cruel place to live. We wanted to shelter you and give you a happy life.” “You know nothing about being happy,” I said. “That’s true. I wasn’t happy… even after buying this place. I only became happy when your mother and I started working on our new venture. Now she’s gone. Now I’m alone. Lacey, I want to find a way to make it all up to you.” “Make it up to me?” I asked. “Yes.” “What do you want to make up to me? What you did to me ten years ago? Or maybe right now…not calling me about my mother? Not giving me a chance to say goodbye.” “Lacey,” my father said. “Please listen to me. It happened so fast. I didn’t know what to do. I was grieving. I was greedy.” “Big shock there,” I said. “We have nobody else,” my father said. “I…

have nobody else.” “What do you mean?” “We don’t have anyone we consider friends,” he said. “If I had a service for her, it would have been… it would have been people who owe me a favor. People who know nothing of me and her. Just this event. I didn’t want that for her. So, I took care of her and put her here. Now I’ll forever miss her and regret all that happened.” I put a hand to my mouth. Tears filled my eyes. “She loved you, Lacey,” my father said. “There were plenty times she would bring you up and want to find you. The same for me. But you left. Somewhere inside of me, I wanted you to find happiness. I suppose you did. Even if it is in the arms of that guy…” “That guy?” I asked. “That guy is taking care of me.” “That’s good,” my father said. “And now… let me make it better for you.” He reached into his pocket and took out a piece of paper. He walked it toward me. It was the closest I had been to my father in five years. He

actually looked at me, too. I could feel his grief and regret. But that didn’t mean everything was just going to wash away. He handed me a check. A small check with a large number written on it. “What is this for?” I asked. “An offering,” he said. “To new beginnings.” “Money. It all comes down to money.” “I want you to take this. I want you to finish medical school, Lacey. I can make a phone call to any school you’d like. And this will pay for medical school… and for the rest of your life.” The amount on the check would be more than enough to live on for the rest of my life. I held the piece of paper but had no attachment to it. “I just want you to do what’s right,” my father said. “Meaning what?” He swallowed hard. “I want you to take care of yourself. I feel like the engagement was forced upon you and I regret that. But running back into the arms of something you think is comfort…”

“River? This is about River?” “What can he offer you?” I stepped back. “How about love?” “You can love anyone you desire,” my father said. “That check will allow you start over on your own. Take care of yourself and let stuff happen as it should. So you don’t have to chase down old memories.” “Is this a joke?” “He had no family,” my father said. “He fixed cars for a living. I heard he was involved in illegal fighting. I know he did jail time. He’s a criminal, Lacey. And what does he do now? He tattoos people? What kind of life is that?” “An honest one,” I said. “Something you’ll never have.” My entire body started to shake. “I don’t want your money.” I stood there and ripped the check in half. Then I ripped it again and I threw it into the fireplace. It was a lot of money. Life-changing money. But I wasn’t going to be controlled by my parents. Never again. I glanced up to the urn and reached for it. My fingertips grazed it.

I wanted to cry right but something happened. Nothing happened. I couldn’t cry. They had proved themselves to me time and time again. “Lacey…” “No,” I said. “I’m leaving now. When you decide to do the right thing, you can call me. But I love River. I’ve always loved River. I don’t need to become a doctor to be happy. I’m not going to be like you and Mom. I watched you both for years, always so fake. Chasing money. I’ll never do that.” I started to walk away and my father came after me. “I’ll write another check,” he said. “Nothing assumed. Please. Take it.” I watched as he started to get emotional. I stared at him and realized he was becoming a broken man. The world he had built was crumbling and money wasn’t going to fix it. Outside the door to the large office I heard muffled voices. They grew louder and closer. “Lacey…” my father sounded weak.

I took stock of everything he had just said to me. He didn’t get it. He probably never would get it. That’s when the office door exploded open. Jerry came almost tumbling into the room, hands out. Almost instantly he began to apologize to my father. But standing there in the doorway was my savior. The man who truly loved me, who forever promised his heart to me and never took back on that. The man I left and tried to forget but never could. I looked at him and wished I was wearing one of those many engagement rings that had been buried. Nothing else mattered except one thing. River.

RIVER PRESENT DAY

there, face-to-face with the man who I stood had ripped my Lacey away from me over a decade ago. The man who twisted my life into the mess it became. The man who sent Lacey down a path where she felt hurt, regret, empty, and lonely for years. He looked aged, beat up, and honestly, he looked hurt. Of all the things that went through my mind to

say to him, I couldn’t believe what came out first. “I’m sorry for your loss.” Lacey’s father just stared at me. The great and all-powerful William. I was surprised he wasn't in a robe, smoking some fancy pipe. “We’re leaving,” Lacey said. “I’ve had enough.” “What about…” Lacey pointed to something on the fireplace mantel. It was an urn. I looked at William. I was shocked. Almost sickened. “Are you fucking serious?” “It all happened fast,” William said to me. “Yeah, I guess it did,” I said. “I don’t want to lose her,” he said. “She’s my daughter.” “Then you should have acted like a father.” “I protected her!” William bellowed. “You hurt her,” I said. “And he tried to pay me not to be with you,” Lacey said. “What?” I asked.

“I offered my daughter her inheritance,” William said. “With the purpose of me starting over alone,” Lacey said. I made fists and felt my blood boiling. The man before me was a monster. I tried for a long time to respect his wishes and decisions for his daughter. Yeah, I was a rough and tough bad boy. I was the nightmare every father dreamed of for his daughter. I had no future. I had to work for everything I had and I’d lost a lot of shit along the way, too. But the one thing I was… was real. I was true. And I fucking loved Lacey with everything inside me. I looked around the room and took the entire scene in. “I didn’t intend for this,” William said. “I want to make this up to you. Both of you.” “Both of us?” I asked. William reached for a checkbook inside his inside breast pocket. “How much did it cost to come out here? Let me pay for that. Let me pay for

the rest of Lacey’s medical school. Let me pay for something. I’ll buy you both a house. I can’t lose Lacey, too.” I stepped forward and grabbed the checkbook. I threw it to the floor. “I’m taking care of Lacey,” I said. “I made her that promise a long time ago and I’ll never let that promise fade. You’re never going to buy me out of her life. You can hate me all you want but we both know I never did a thing wrong to her or to you. And you can never live this down, William. All you’ve taken from your daughter.” I looked back at Lacey. “I needed to check on you, darlin’. I’m sorry for busting in. I’ll wait until you’re ready. Whatever you want.” I walked toward the door. Jerry was babbling to William a list of apologies, basically verbally punishing himself for letting me into the room. The scene was like nothing I’d ever seen before. “You were never good for her,” William growled. “You should have never been near her. Ever. This wasn’t how things were supposed to be

for her.” I paused. “As opposed to what?” “Forcing me into a life like you had?” Lacey asked. “You both know I made the right decision back then,” William said. “If we stayed there and you two were left to run wild, it would have been a mess.” “I guess we’ll never know,” I said. “The past is gone, William. All we have is the future. And I’m pretty certain of my future.” “A life of struggling for everything,” William said. “I’ll be waiting, Lacey,” I said, ignoring William. “Take your time. No rush, darlin’.” I had one foot out the door when Lacey spoke. “River, I’ll be right there,” she said. “Lacey,” her father said. “Let me talk to you some more. We can figure this out. I’ll write you a new check. Right now. And I’ll close my eyes to River. It won’t matter what you do with it.” “No,” she said. “You can’t buy me. I don’t even know if I’ll miss my mother. You two took a

lot from me. And you’re rich enough to find me if you need to talk to me again. Do yourself a favor and pick up the phone yourself. Don’t have the hired help call.” I held my hand out and Lacey took it. It felt right. I looked at her, almost in disbelief. She turned down a lot of money to be with me. A poor, illegal fighter, criminal-turned-tattooartist. I walked through a house that was worth well into seven figures. I knew William had much more than that in his bank account. But I was the one who was rich. Because I held Lacey’s hand. But life has a funny way of turning on a dime… breaking you right back down to size.

There must have been something in the air. I was finishing up yet another animal tattoo. This time it was a picture of a kitten on a woman’s shoulder.

Her name was Mary. She said the story was personal and I left it at that. She was a beautiful woman, too. Slender shoulders with a long arms and fingers. She listened to music, talked very little, and offered me a large gratuity for getting her on my schedule basically last minute. She literally walked in and begged for a tattoo. I was about to head out and meet up with Lacey for something to eat when Tate asked me to hang back and help. I didn’t mind helping. There was a part of me that wondered what was really going through Lacey’s head after the debacle with her parents. It was sad that her mother died so suddenly, but Lacey promised me that it didn’t really bother her. It just angered her that because of her parents being such snobs, if there was a time when me and Lacey had kids, they wouldn’t have grandparents. There was something about the family dynamic that seemed so fucked up now and it left me feeling like I would have to change that someday. Someday, River. Not today. I walked Mary to the door and returned to find

Prick standing in my doorway. “Meow,” he said with a grin. “Yeah, yeah,” I said. “Get it out of your system.” “What?” “That cat thing. I tattooed a pretty woman. She got a cat. I’m sure there’s some pussy joke hidden in there somewhere.” “Hey, you brought up the word pussy, not me,” Prick said. He let out a little snicker. “What do you want, Prick?” I asked. “Want to help me with my next piercing?” he asked. “Woman is coming in and she has some huge fucking ti-” “Jesus Christ,” a voice boomed down the hall. I hurried and opened a door to find Tate standing with his hand on his head and a cell phone to his ear. His eyes were wide in shock. “Are you fucking kidding me? Shit, brother. No. Fuck. I’ll shut it all down right now…” Tate looked at me. He looked ready to cry. “Okay, brother. You hold tight. You just…

fuck…” Tate took the phone away from his ear and threw it to Prick. Prick juggled the phone and then put it to his ear. “Hello? Axel? What’s…” I looked at Tate. “What happened?” I asked. “Axel’s mother died.”

LACEY PRESENT DAY

T

he scene always played out the same way. Always. But this time… I felt like the air had been ripped from my chest. An ambulance waited in the narrow driveway, along with a couple other vehicles. I climbed out of the car as Andrea walked Ava out of the house. Ava clutched tight to her, almost unable to walk. I hurried to Ava and threw my arms around her, letting her cry.

She collapsed into me and wept uncontrollably. Andrea mouthed to me, she was here. Meaning Ava had been present when Bethany took her last breath in the world. I looked around, looking for Axel, but I didn’t see him yet. I rubbed Ava’s back. I spoke no words because when grief was raw, words were nothing but a waste of good breath. It was better to wait for her to speak. Finally, she did. “I’m a mess,” she said. “You’re allowed to be,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.” “I didn’t want to be here for this,” Ava said. “Come here,” I said. I walked her to a little side patio and got her to take a seat. She had makeup running down her cheeks. I knew she was safe here because inside the house was going to be hectic and eventually they’d have to take Bethany out. “I didn’t want to see it,” Ava said. “I know, I know,” I said. “But she was with you. You could take some kind of com-”

“Ava, there you are,” a voice said. I looked and saw Axel lumbering toward us. “Axel,” I said. “Not now,” he growled at me. He looked at Ava. “What the hell are you doing out here?” “I didn’t want to see that,” Ava said. “That was unfair.” “Fair?” Axel snapped. “I’ve been here for how long? You came three times. That was it. You left her!” I swallowed hard. “Fuck yourself, Andrew,” Ava said. “Don’t you ever call me that,” Axel said. “That was our piece of shit father’s name. You saw what he did to all of us. That woman in there tried her best for us.” “She didn’t give a shit to leave him!” Ava said, crying. “We were left to fend for ourselves. She played it like nothing was happening!” “Cut that shit,” Axel said. “Give her a second now, Ava. She just died.” “Maybe I don’t care,” Ava said. She wiped her eyes. “Maybe it’s all numb to me.”

I suddenly had a vision that I was Ava. Weeping over my own mother’s death. Feeling that pain but not enough of it. I had no idea what the entire story was here… “You’re being a selfish bitch,” Axel said. “Eat shit, Axel.” He took a step. There was violence in his eyes. I stepped in and got between them. “Axel, just give us a second. I’m so sorry.” “And where the fuck were you?” Axel spat right in my face. “You were supposed to be saving her. You and that bitch out front shoved her to the grave. The two of you did it.” I felt like someone squeezed my throat shut. I gasped and couldn’t breathe. “Fuck this,” Axel said. “I’m out of here.” He ran a hand through his hair. His eyes welled up. “Fuck all of this.” He stormed away and a few seconds later I heard the rumble of a motorcycle. I took a step and Ava grabbed my wrist. “Don’t. Let him cool off.” I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I

looked down at Ava. “I’m sorry you saw that,” she said. “We always disagreed on our parents. It’s not that I didn’t love her…” “I lost my mother, too,” I blurted out. “She and my father tried to control me and I finally had enough and left. I still don’t know how I feel.” Ava nodded. She started to cry again. I started to cry with her.

I managed to get myself cleaned up by the time River appeared. He left his truck running and ran after me, scooping me up. His hands grabbed my face as he kissed me over and over. “Fuck, darlin’,” he said. “River, Axel took off,” I said. “He’s so angry.” River looked at Ava, then at me. “Where did he go?” “I have no idea,” I said. “He’s hurting bad.” “Little Mikey’s,” River whispered.

“The bar?” I asked. “Makes sense,” Ava said. “Let’s go then,” I said. “No. You go.” Ava wiped her eyes again. “I’m going home. I’ve seen enough.” “What about…” But I bit my tongue. It wasn’t my business. I could see the pain in Ava’s eyes. What had happened when they were younger was still bothering her. I could only hope that she would find some kind of peace. “We have to get him,” River said. “Get him cornered and get him to calm the hell down a little. If he goes deep in a bottle he won’t stop. I’ve seen it a few times over his ex.” I opened my mouth to tell River what Axel had said to me but I held back. It wasn’t about me. It was about Axel. Trying to get him to a safe place so he could grieve. River had my car parked in the yard and said to just leave it. Before I knew it, he was opening the passenger door of his truck and pushing me inside. I didn’t want to come back to the house for my car

and see it quiet and empty. Because that’s what it would be soon enough. Ava gone. All the medical personnel gone. Bethany gone. Maybe the only thing lingering would be her spirit, if you believed in that kind of stuff. River peeled out to the road, the back tires of his truck screaming. “Shit,” River said. “I can’t believe she’s gone.” “Neither can I,” I said. “He and his sister don’t seem to see eye-to-eye on things.” “Yeah, I picked up on that a few times,” River said. “He’s really angry and hurt,” I said. “I wish I would have been there…” “You did your job,” River said. “It’s just… everything around me, River. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Unless I’m with you.” “Then be with me.” “I can’t be with you all the time,” I said. “I’d love to. I feel like… death is always near me.” “What?”

“Look what happened to Kyle,” I said. I saw River grit his teeth. “And then my job. And then the house.” “The house?” “In the storm,” I said. “The moment we touched, the house we first had each other in burns down.” “Oh, Lacey, you can’t think of life like that,” River said. “I don’t know what to think.” I felt my body shaking. I wanted to burst into tears. But first… we had to find Axel. River opened the door to Little Mikey’s. There were two people sitting in the corner of the bar, drinking and talking. Waving their hands, almost arguing over something to do with their jobs. But straight across at the opposite side of the bar sat Axel. His head was down, his hands wrapped around a beer bottle and a shot of whiskey. River went racing toward him. I hung behind a little.

“Hey, River!” the guy behind the bar said. “You coming to join your buddy? Little early for drinking, huh?” “Not now, Pecker,” River said. Axel looked up. His face looked rough. Ever hear the words ugly cry? Axel looked like he was holding all that shit in and it did not look healthy or safe. “Brother,” River said. “I am so sorry…” Axel looked beyond River and right at me. “You. It was you.” “Look at me, Axel,” River said. “No,” he said and stood up. He threw the shot of whiskey back. He tossed the glass to the bar. “She did this to me.” He pointed right at me. “Who did what?” River asked. “Lacey?” “She wasn’t there,” Axel said. He was still looking at me. “Where the fuck were you? Huh? Taking off on a plane for a little while. Spending all your time in River’s bed? Where were you? You were supposed to take care of her.” “Hey, easy, man,” River said. He put a hand to Axel’s chest but he slapped it

off and shoved him out of the way. There was nothing protecting me from Axel and his wrath. He made it two steps, with fire in his eyes, when River came charging at him, shoulder tackling him to the bar. Barstools scratched the floor as they flew out of the way. “Hey!” Pecker yelled from behind the bar. “Don’t talk to her like that,” River growled. He and Axel tangled up for a few seconds and then broke apart. Axel looked like he was ready to swing, but just held his fist up. “Axel, I did all I could,” I said. “I cared for her. I made her comfortable. You got to spend all that time with her. That’s what counts.” “Fuck you,” Axel spat. His voice boomed through the bar. “Why didn’t you save her?” “There was no… Axel… you knew…” “That’s enough,” River said. “Lacey, you don’t have to explain yourself. You did nothing wrong. Axel, you need to man the fuck up here.” Axel spun around from the bar and went almost nose-to-nose with River.

“No,” I said. I knew it was crazy, but I stepped in between them. “You cannot do this. Axel, I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there. I’m sorry if I let you down at all. You can be angry at me. You can blame me.” “No, he can’t,” River said. “Go fuck yourself, River,” Axel said. “Stop this,” I said. I turned and faced River. I looked up at him. “Please,” I whispered. “His mother just died. Please.” River stepped back and nodded. He showed his hands in defeat. I turned and Axel was back at the bar, grabbing for his beer. I felt like the room had calmed a little. I was wrong. Things were about to get worse.

Axel drank the beer in one big gulp and asked for another, plus another shot of whiskey. “Don’t,” River said. “Pecker, don’t serve him

right now.” “Pecker, give me a fucking drink,” Axel said. I reached for my bag and took out some money. “Here. I’ll buy you a beer.” I put the money on the bar. Axel grabbed it and crumpled it up, then threw it to the floor and spat at it. “That doesn’t make up for killing my mother,” Axel growled. I sucked in a breath and my eyes filled with tears. “Oh, fuck no,” River said. “You heard me,” Axel said, looking at me. “You should have been doing your goddamn job instead of fucking my friend.” That’s when a wire snapped inside me. That last piece holding everything together. I grabbed a barstool and threw it to the floor. I jumped—literally jumped—at Axel. I had no idea what I was going to do, though. So, I scratched at him. I curled my fingers like I was a cat trying to attack a dog or something. I didn’t get his face but the side of his head. It was like colliding with a

brick wall. I hit him, bounced back, and stumbled. That’s when River got involved again, probably for the better, too. He grabbed me and walked me back. “Nice try,” Axel said. “Darlin’, look at me,” River said. I looked at him. “I’m sorry…” “It’s okay. He’s out of control right now. You should go. Take my truck and go back to my place, okay?” “What about you?” “I’m going to talk him off the ledge.” “Are you sure…” “I’m sorry, darlin’, but let him figure this out. Without you here. This is not your fault, Lacey.” “It is, though. He’s right. I wasn’t there.” “You couldn’t do a thing,” River said. “Just go. Right now. Before things get worse.” “What are you going to do?” I whispered. “What I have to do,” River said. “Give me a fucking drink!” Axel yelled. “I’ll come across that bar, Pecker. I’ll ring your fucking neck.”

“Go,” River ordered me. He put the keys to his truck into my hand. He kissed my cheek. “Stop trying to save everyone, Lacey. Stop carrying the past. Be in the present and be in my future.” River turned and walked away from me. I slipped out of the bar and got into River’s truck. That’s when I burst into tears. But the worst part? That minute I spent crying instead of driving was about to put me in the crosshairs of an accident that would threaten my future.

RIVER PRESENT DAY

myself I was going to calm Axel I promised down with a beer and some words. But when he turned his head and looked at me, I knew there was only one way to do this. I swallowed hard and threw a right fist, smashing him in the jaw. Axel flew to the left, knocking off the empty beer mug. “Jesus!” Pecker yelled. “No!” Axel grabbed his face and stood tall.

He came right at me, getting me with a good left hook. It felt like my face exploded. I stepped back, absorbing the punch, but Axel was there again with another one. We ended up on a pool table, wrestling, rolling off the other side. I grabbed Axel by his shirt and threw him into the wall. All the pool sticks fell off the wall, one by one clanking to the floor. I held Axel against the wall. There was a pause before he threw his head forward, starting the fight again. I fell back against the pool table, then lunged forward and threw a punch, hitting him in the stomach. I threw him toward the bar and went after him. Axel turned, hitting me with the back of his hand. I swore I lifted off my feet for a split second and then we stopped again. I touched my cheek. “Did you just bitch slap me?” Axel wiped blood from his nose. “What?” “I’m sorry your mother died, Axel.” Axel lowered his head. It started to gently bob. The fight was over. The attack on Lacey was

done. He was finally going to open up a little. I walked to the bar and motioned for two beers. Pecker moved quickly to pour us drinks and I gave one to Axel. He looked at me, tears in his eyes. “To her,” I whispered, lifting up my beer mug. “To her,” Axel said. We hit glasses and then started to drink. We worked our way over to the bar. My face and jaw were throbbing. Sometimes it was the only way to settle things. Boys will be boys and men will be men. “Sorry about all that,” Axel said. “I shouldn’t have said what I said to Lacey.” “You shouldn't have,” I said. “She just lost her mother, man. She’s torn up over so much shit. And you know what her job was. She’s not a fucking doctor. There was no saving…” “I get it,” Axel said. “I get it. I’ll make it up to her, I promise. Okay?” “Fair enough,” I said. We sat in silence for a few minutes.

Then I said, “If you need help with anything, let me know. The services, with the house, all that stuff. Whatever you decide.” “I just want to be here right now,” Axel said. “This moment. Not think about everything. It wasn’t easy growing up, man. My old man was vicious. It was almost a blessing when he croaked. I thought my mother would thrive then. But she didn’t. She missed him. All that abuse and shit and she still missed him. I always held that in tight.” “I’m glad you’re getting it out,” I said. “I always bottle things up. Ask my ex-wife.” Axel snorted. “Fuck.” “Hey, just be here, right?” I asked. “Just be here.” We finished the beer and I didn’t order another one. I wasn’t going to keep drinking. Axel could drown himself and then I’d find a way to get him home. I called Pecker over to the back of the bar. “He’s in rough shape,” Pecker said. “Yeah. His mother died today.” “Shit.”

“Listen,” I said. “He rode his motorcycle here. Lacey took my truck. I need to get his ass home and in bed soon.” “You want my truck then,” Pecker said. “Bingo.” “You know, I’m a goddamn bartender. I don’t break up fights. I don’t do therapy. I’m not a rental car place.” “You’re a friend,” I said. “And if you want Axel on the road right now…” “Ah, fuck,” Pecker said. He grabbed his keys and gave them to me. I walked back to the bar and ordered Axel one more shot. “After this you need to ease up,” I said. “You’re going to need to face this and figure out what to do. I know your sister is taking off and I'm sorry about that, too.” “I owe her an apology, too,” Axel said. “I just can’t stand when people act the way they do. Maybe that’s why I’m divorced.” I laughed. “So, when I propose to Lacey, I shouldn’t ask you for marriage advice?”

Axel laughed. “Hell no, brother. I was a shitty husband. I think she was a shitty wife, too. Maybe not. I guess I’ll never know. Things were such a mess back then for me.” “Life,” I said. “Life,” Axel agreed. He raised his glass and I made a fist and tapped it against the glass. Outside the bar, the screeching of a fire truck and its engine roared by. Inside the bar, it was quiet. The two guys across the bar were still sitting there, casually glancing at us. I thought about starting something with them but I feared if Axel got into another fight it would end up really bad. He was calm. He was having a few drinks. I needed to harvest that and keep things under wraps. “Hey, why don’t we bolt out of here?” I said to Axel. “I’ll cover the tab and we’ll get you home.” “I rode my motorcycle here, brother.” “And you can leave it here. Pecker will take a good look after it for you.”

“Fuck that.” “Listen to me, Axel. You can do any dumb shit you want. But getting hammered and getting on a motorcycle? Not going to happen. I’m not letting…” The cry of an ambulance siren rang out and I saw the flashes of red light for a split second as it sped by the bar. I pointed to the window and nodded. “I’m not letting you hurt yourself or someone else.” It was sound advice. Too bad it wasn’t said to the person that tboned Lacey while she was driving my truck.

I got Axel out back and he stood there and looked around. He fumbled for a cigarette and lit it up. I was in no rush for anything, at least not yet. The more I could let Axel find a sense of normalcy, the better. No matter what, he would have to face his mother’s passing. He’d have to make arrangements

and say goodbye. He’d have to sell her house. He’d have to figure it all out. “Axel,” I said. “Why didn’t you tell anyone about your mother?” He took a drag. “I don’t know. When I got divorced, I became this victim, almost, you know? It was like everyone looked at me and wondered what I was thinking. Or doing. If I was unhappy. I couldn’t just have a bad day, you know? I didn’t want that this time: everyone constantly asking me how she was doing. St. Skin is my home. My life. My church. The ink, the art, the people, and stories… man, that’s a religion to me. I don’t care how fucking stupid that sounds.” “It’s not stupid, man. It’s the truth. I’m sure you only shared all the stuff about your mother because of Lacey, but thank you for letting me in. I value that.” “Yeah, sure.” “And whatever you said to her that first time you met… thank you. She came right to my place. I can’t imagine my entire life without her. Ten years was long enough. The sting never went away.”

Axel held up his left hand. His cigarette was between his lips. He tapped his ring finger. “I get it, brother. Sometimes I still look for the ring. Like it’s resting on my finger or in my nightstand. It’s just who we are.” “Let’s get you home. I’ll stop and hit a burger joint on the way. Stock you up on cheeseburgers and fries. You’re going to need it when you come down.” “Fuck that,” Axel said. He flicked the cigarette to the gravel. The cigarette sparked like a firecracker. “I’m hardly drunk. The pain eats up the booze, man. I wish I could get good and drunk right now. Try to forget everything like right after my divorce, man. I would try and pick up anything. But on my end, nothing worked for a while. Grief and pain are fucking assholes.” “Amen to that,” I said. “Let’s go, Axel. I’ll get you some cheeseburgers and fries…and then some beer.” “Better just go for the whiskey,” he said. “Whatever it takes to get you in the goddamn truck.”

“Let me just ride…” My phone started to buzz in my pocket. I threw the middle finger to Axel and looked at the screen on the phone. It was Tate calling. “Hey,” I said. “Don’t worry. I’ve got Axel. Things are…” “Where are you?” Tate cut me off. “Little Mikey’s. Axel needed…” “Hospital, brother. Get to the fucking hospital right now.” “Hospital?” I asked, looking at Axel. “What’s going on?” “You’re at Little Mikey’s? You must have heard the sirens, then.” “Yeah. Why?” “Shit, brother. Right at the intersection down from the shop. There was an accident.” “What kind of accident?” My brain scrambled to try to figure out what had happened that afternoon. I wasn’t putting the pieces together. And my life suddenly changed with one sentence.

“Lacey was in an accident.”

I ran. Before that, I somehow got Axel into Pecker’s truck and got to the hospital. I somehow ignored Axel’s drunk guilt as he blamed himself for chasing Lacey out of the bar. I was in no position to argue —not that I would. In reality, I wanted to knock every last tooth out of Axel’s mouth. Instead, I focused. I got to the hospital. Tate, Max, and Prick were waiting. Then I ran. White tile flashing with the lights overhead. At the elevators, I punched the up button, pacing like a hungry lion in a cage. The guys caught up to me. Someone tried to reach for me, but Tate stopped them. That was a good thing, too. Anyone who got close enough would have gotten a punch to the jaw.

The elevator ride was the slowest of my life. I looked at Tate. He nodded. “Tell me,” I said. “She had the right of way,” Tate said. “She was just driving and didn’t see a damn thing.” “What was it? Car? Truck?” “Another truck,” Tate said. “Fucking thing barely had a scratch on it. Hey, I know this is hard, but she was lucky to be in your truck, River. If she had been in a car, man, fuck…” The elevator stopped, and the doors opened. I pushed by two eager people trying to get on the elevators. I ran to a nurses’ station and asked where she was. I went to the end of a hall and was met with a doctor. He had a hand out and I couldn’t read his face. “Whoa, whoa,” he said. “Family?” “Family,” Tate said. We stood there, arm to arm. Me, Tate, Prick, Max, and Axel. Last time I looked at Axel, he was damn near in tears. “Tell me something, Doc,” I said. “Please.

She’s all I got.” “Okay. You can come with me. The rest of you have to stay for right now.” “Where’s the other guy?” Axel asked. “What?” the doctor asked. “The other guy. Is he okay?” The doctor just stared. “Friend,” Axel said. “I’m trying to piece this together myself.” I raised an eyebrow at Axel. “Okay,” the doctor said. “Your friend is okay. Just a few bumps and bruises. He’ll be released today, but he’ll be questioned for drinking and driving.” I felt my heart sink. Axel shook his head. “Damn. What a fool.” The doctor then looked at me. “Come with me, Mr…” “Just call me River,” I said. The doctor led me through the set of doors. “Lacey suffered injuries to her left shoulder, left arm, and her left leg. She was briefly pinned in the truck and that caused some damage to her leg.”

“Broken?” “Yes,” the doctor said. “What about her head?” I asked. “Mild concussion. Mostly confused. Scared, and rightfully so. We have her medicated and resting.” The doctor stopped at the hospital door. “River, I believe that’s the least of her problems.” “Meaning what?” “She suffered nerve damage in her lower back on impact.” “Doc, just lay it out for me.” “She has no feeling or movement in her legs.”

RIVER YEARS AGO

left and right. It was Charlie and Bill I looked on each side. I had just won a fight, and the guy carrying the cash was being a prick about paying up. We were warned about this guy. I surveyed the scene and knew I needed to take a risk. I wasn’t going to walk away without getting what I was owed. Nobody expected me to throw a punch, though. That was the way to do it though.

I hit the guy—his nickname was Slip—and sent him flying back. Cash went flying into the air. Me, Charlie, and Bill all went on a cash-grab. We had only seconds before Slip’s crew realized what had happened and was coming after us. “Run!” I yelled. I turned and stuffed the cash into my pockets and took off. Charlie and Bill did the same. “You’re fucking crazy!” Bill yelled. “They’re going to kill us!” “They can only kill us if they catch us!” I yelled, laughing. “I’ve got the keys to the truck,” Charlie said. “Bill,” I said. “You and me jump in the bed.” The truck was in sight. The ground behind us felt like it was shaking. I looked back for a quick second and saw there had to be ten guys coming after us. I was surprised someone hadn’t taken out a gun and shot at us. But if they did get us, they would beat us senseless and leave us for dead. The truck came into view, and when I got close

enough, I jumped. I went up and over, smashing into the hard bed of the truck. I rolled to my back and saw Bill trying to climb over. Charlie started the truck, and it was already moving. I saw the look of terror on Bill’s face. I scrambled forward and grabbed his arms and pulled. The second I did, a baseball bat came down and smashed against the truck, leaving a dent. “That would have hurt,” I said to Bill as the truck picked up speed. “Fuck you,” Bill said, his voice crackling. I started to laugh. The guys kept chasing the truck, but there was no way they were going to get to us. I threw them the finger and put my head back and looked up to the clear night sky. Charlie drove us to the abandoned house where we parked and sat on the porch for a victory beer. I touched my left eye and winced. It hurt pretty bad. Something might have been broken. I’d get it checked out tomorrow, maybe. First, I had some beer to enjoy. And some cash to count. “What do we have?” I asked as Charlie was

still smoothing out wrinkled and crumbled money. “A lot,” he said. “Our earnings?” I asked. “Yeah,” he said. “Good. So it’s fair.” “What if they come after us?” Bill asked. “We deal with that if it happens,” I said. For the record, they never came after us. They knew they were in the wrong. We didn’t rob anyone. We didn’t kill anyone. We just took what was owed to us. I finished my beer, and Charlie handed me my earnings. I counted it up and grinned wide. “What’s with that face?” Bill asked. “You never seemed to care about money before.” “I’m banking this shit now, man.” “For what?” Charlie asked. I looked over my shoulder and nodded. “I think I want to save up and buy this place.” “This shit hole?” Charlie asked. “Are you kidding me?” “No, man. Look at it. It’s a beautiful house. Just needs some work. Right?”

“You’re doing this for that girl,” Bill said. “The one you won’t let us meet.” “She doesn’t need your asses corrupting her.” Bill and Charlie laughed. “Come on, man,” Charlie said. “She’s upper middle-class, dude. That shit don’t fly with guys like us.” “You don’t know her,” I said. “Lacey doesn’t care about that stuff. When we’re together…” “Face it,” Bill said. “You’re the wrong in her world of right.” “What?” “She probably gets anything she wants. She cries, and Mommy and Daddy give her anything. But you’re the wrong. You know? You’re the edge in her life, man. If she needs something wild. If she wants to hurt Mommy and Daddy. That’s where you come in.” “No way,” I said. “It’s not like that.” “It is. You’re going to be greatest story. When she gets older and has a husband and kids and is living in some suburb where the houses all look the same, she’ll stand outside on a summer’s night and

realize she hates her life. Then she’ll smile, thinking about you. But she’ll know that she has security. Money in the bank. Health insurance. Kids are going to a good school. So, she’ll swallow it down.” I stood up and thought about punching Bill in the mouth. “Take it easy,” Charlie said, sensing what I was thinking. “He is right, though, River. I mean, whatever you two have right now, that’s awesome. She’s pretty as hell. But where does it go? She’s smart, man. She’s in college. You’re fighting for cash and working a wrench, you know?” “Man, you two are fucking assholes,” I said. “Just the truth,” Bill said. “Same thing happened to me. A girl named Sarah. Damn, man, I went hard for her. When things got too serious or too real, she would come to me. When she got sick of sipping wine at a fancy dinner, she’d hang with me. We’d get pizza and cheap beer. Sit on the roof of my apartment building and look at the stars. But there’s no future in that shit.” I put the cash in my pocket. “It’s different with

Lacey. I know it. I can feel it. I don’t give a shit what anyone says. I’ll figure out what I’m doing next. I can’t fight forever. I know that.” “Hey,” Charlie said. “More power to you. You want to save up and buy this house? Do it. I just don’t want you to get hurt.” I pointed to my busted-up face. “I’m already hurt.” “Here,” Bill said, and he touched his chest. “Having your heart broken is worse than a few dings to the jaw.” “Fuck you two,” I said. “I don’t want to hear that shit again. I’m out of here.” Charlie stood up. “Come on, man. Stick around. Keep drinking with us. Tell us what you want to do to the house.” “No,” I said. “Ah, fuck,” Bill said. “Don’t be a dick.” “It doesn’t matter what I want to do,” I said. “Call me when there’s another fight. I want the next one as soon as possible.” “Shouldn’t you rest a little?” “No,” I said. “And don't fuck up anything in my

house or on my porch.” I walked away with Charlie and Bill calling out to me to stay. I had somewhere else to be. I climbed into my own damn truck, feeling my body aching. The fight had been brutal. I came close to losing it. If the other guy had gotten one or two more shots to my face or ribs, I would have gone down. And the second you ended up on your hands and knees, you were done for. I started the truck and drove away. Yeah, it was insane to think about buying that house. But I wanted to buy it for Lacey. I wanted to fix it up for her. I wanted to give her everything she wanted. I knew all the reasons we shouldn’t have been together. She was rich. I was poor. She was in college. I was working as a mechanic by day and illegal fighter by night. Maybe I couldn’t give her a life with a red door and picket fence, but I could give her a love that nobody else could come close to giving her. I drove down into the rich neighborhood and parked my truck. I didn’t need to attract attention to myself. I walked along the perfectly designed

sidewalk next to trees that were planted at the exact same distance apart from each other. I touched my pocket, feeling my earnings. What I had in my pocket was probably what some of these people made in an hour. For me, that was a lot of money. For them, it was probably a half-decent dinner. The line had been drawn from the day I was born, and I just walked it. I stopped right outside Lacey’s house. I stood next to a thick tree and felt hidden enough. Trust me, there was no malicious intent in my heart or mind. I just wanted to see it. Just to stare. I counted the windows. I looked at the garage. The landscaping design out front. She had a pool in the backyard. I knew her window was the upstairs one on the right. Give me a sign, darling. Please. Give me a sign. The light turned on. For a quick second, I saw a silhouette walk by the window. My heart started to jump. Race. Pound. My mouth felt dry. I licked my lips. Damn, no other girl ever made me feel like that in my life. Not even close. I’d do anything

for Lacey. I couldn’t lose her. This wasn’t something quick and done, you know? Yeah, sure, maybe I was the wrong in her life made up of right. But you know what? She was the right in my life of wrong. We would find a way to balance each other out. I stood there and stared at the light in the bedroom. I wondered what she was doing. On her phone with a friend? Working on classwork? Sitting on her bed, thinking of me? I heard someone clear their throat, and I turned to see a man across the street, walking a big dog. The man froze and stared daggers at me. I showed my hands, a peace offering. I wasn’t some hoodlum looking to knock off the rich people’s houses in town. With my head down, I stuffed my hands into my pockets and walked back to my truck. I didn’t know much in life or about life, but I knew one thing. I was meant to be with Lacey.

LACEY PRESENT DAY

was like coming out of a really good night’s I tsleep. My eyelids fluttering. My body so relaxed. I sucked in a breath and let out a little sigh. I expected to find myself in River’s bed, cuddled tight, the sun poking through the blinds. Instead, the moment my eyes fully opened, I surveyed the room, realized I was in a hospital room, and everything went straight to hell. Starting with my fingertips, it was like someone was setting

me on fire. Pain crept up and all around, except… well…my left leg. I couldn’t feel my left leg. Wait. My right leg, too. Well, from the knee down. I grabbed the sheets, and suddenly, it all came back to me. I’m driving down the street. I’m in River’s truck. I’m a little uncomfortable, not familiar with the feel of it. But it’s a truck. I am driving it. The light up ahead. See that light? The light is green. Bright green. Grass green. It’s totally and definitely green. My brain says to keep going. I have to get to River’s place. That’s where he wants to meet. My heart is still twisted as is my stomach because of Axel. All those mean things he said to me. I didn’t hurt his mothThere’s no sound for me. From the corner of my eye I see an object flying at me, and that’s it. I feel movement. I hear no sound. Then it’s all dark. My eyes filled up with tears as I tried to say

something. Instead, I let out a gurgling, crying sound. From the corner of the room, River popped up from a nap. “Lacey,” he said. “You’re awake. Holy shit. You’re awake.” He came rushing to my bedside. He reached down and wiped my cheek. “Oh, darling.” “I ruined your truck,” I whispered. “My truck? I don’t give a damn about my truck.” He crouched down. “You’re awake.” “My legs, River. I think there’s something wrong.” He nodded. “The doctor told me all about it. They’re not sure how bad everything is yet. But you’re okay. Right? You know who I am. You know who you are. Let me get the doctors to check you.” “My legs,” I whispered. “I’m not going to be the same for you.” River grabbed my face with gentle care. “Darling, I’m not after your legs. I’ll carry you across this world and back. I’m after your heart,

Lacey. That’s all I care about.” I blinked fast and tears started to fall again. He leaned in and kissed me. I felt a surge of life go through me. Then he stood up. “Let me get the doctors,” he said. “Promise you’ll be back?” “I promise,” he said. “I’ll always be back for you, Lacey. I never went anywhere.” I shut my eyes and smiled. Why did it feel like the universe wanted to rip us apart?

The doctor rambled off a bunch of medical jargon. Stuff about nerves. Stuff about my leg, my bone. Whatever. I was in a daze the entire time as he stood there, looking somber, talking at River, talking at me. The end result was simple…I would need physical therapy, and I would be monitored from there. There was a chance I’d never regain feeling

in my legs and never walk again. There was also the same chance that I’d wake up one day and have feeling and just start moving like nothing happened. “When can she leave, Doc?” River asked. “I want to get her home and comfortable.” “Hopefully soon,” the doctor said. “I do know the police are here and will want to speak with you, Lacey.” “With me? Why?” “The accident. The other driver was drinking, so the police will need a statement from you.” “A drunk driver,” I said. I looked at River as my eyes welled with tears again. “No, no, no,” he said. “We’ve got this, Lacey. Together. You and me. I prom-” There was a loud yell outside the hospital room door. A second later, Axel came blasting into the room. He looked very rough, wearing the same clothes I remembered him in. At first, I didn’t see the blood on his knuckles, at least not until he grabbed the railing of my bed. “Lacey,” he said. “I’m so sorry for what I said

to you. What I tried to shovel onto your back, that wasn’t fair. You did amazing for my mother. You made her comfortable. You made it okay for her to peacefully let go. I can never thank you enough for that.” Behind Axel came two police officers. They all but tackled him down on top of me on the bed. River shoved one of the cops back. “She’s fucking hurt, man!” Tate and Max came running into my room, too. “I’ll arrest you next,” the police officer bellowed at River. “Then fucking do it,” River said. Tate grabbed River’s shirt and put him against the wall. “Let me up,” Axel pleaded. “I can’t hurt her again.” The officers pulled Axel away, and they cuffed him. “What the fuck did you do?” River asked. “I took care of it, Lacey,” Axel said. “I did. For you. This is my fault.” “No it’s not,” I protested. “Axel…”

“What the hell did he do?” Tate asked the officers. “He attacked the other driver,” one of the officers said. “Shit,” River said. “What?” I asked. “I made sure he’ll never do that again,” Axel said. “Did you kill him?” I asked. “No,” the same officer said. “But he…well, he gave him a good lesson. Even though it’s illegal to do that.” The officers dragged Axel away. He called out, “I’m sorry to you all! I love you, River. Don’t be mad at me anymore!” “Nobody is mad at you, asshole,” River said. He started to move but Tate grabbed him again. “River. Stay here. I’ll follow and see where this ends up, okay? Stay with Lacey.” Tate left the room. As loud and wild as it got, it was suddenly quiet. I looked at River and started to cry again.

“Doc, when the hell can we get out of here?” he asked. “As long as she doesn’t show any signs of serious concussion, I’ll get the paperwork together right now.” “Thank you,” River said. The doctor left, and River came to my side again. He hugged me, and I clawed at him, vowing to never let him go. “I always knew Axel was loyal, but shit,” he whispered. “I’ve never seen him do that before.” “I knew he meant nothing by what he said. I wasn’t mad at him. He’s grieving.” “I know, darling.” “River, look at me.” Our foreheads then touched. “I’m sorry I let everything in our past get to me the way it did. I should have never-” “That doesn’t matter anymore, Lacey.” “The world is trying to keep us apart, River.” “No it’s not. It’s testing us. But this time, we fucking pass the test. Nothing can tear this love apart, darling.”

“I love you, River.” “I love you, Lacey,” he said. “You’re going to be okay. I’m going to take care of you for the rest of your life.” We kissed. Somewhere in the recess of my heart, I wondered if that was going to be the moment when River would actually propose to me. After all, he was crouched and almost on one knee. But that didn’t happen. He didn’t propose. That was going to come later.

RIVER A MONTH LATER

T

he brakes squeaked as the truck came to a stop. I looked over at Lacey, a red bandana covering her eyes. She had her arms crossed and she was pouting, but that was all part of the fun. I never thought in my wildest imagination I’d see just how beautifully powerful she was. Every day was a battle for her, and she did it with a smile on her face and never once failed to make me smile, too.

“We’re here,” I said. “Can I take this thing off?” she asked me. “Not yet,” I said as I opened the truck door. I ran to the back and got the wheelchair out. Yeah, the feeling hadn’t completely returned to her legs. It was painfully slow for Lacey, and the more that time went by, the more it seemed a wheelchair would be needed for the rest of her life. I already had a plan in place for that. I wanted to do what I set out to do years ago and buy Lacey a house. And whatever accommodations the house needed, they would be done. But before all of that planning, there was one thing I needed to do. I opened the passenger door and lifted Lacey up. “Kiss me,” I said. “I can’t see you.” “Good.” I planted my lips to hers. There was nothing sweeter…unless I let my lips travel down her perfect body and rest between her legs. I held her and kissed her for a little while.

Finally, she broke the kiss. “I hate not being able to see. I already feel useless as it is.” “Never,” I said. I turned and helped Lacey down into the chair, then reached for the bandana and pulled it off. We were in front of the cabin. Lacey quickly turned her head and looked up at me. “River?” “I know, it’s not much of a surprise. But I promised you that no matter what happens, we would have fun. I said I’d carry you, and I meant it. Or push you around.” “Thanks,” she said. I took her to the big ass rock where it all started. I stopped and leaned against the rock. “What?” she asked. “How can you not feel beautiful right now?” I asked. “Look at me.” “Look at you. Warrior. My beautiful warrior.” “Stop. I’m not that person.” “Yes, you are,” I said. “Everything will be

okay.” And so far, things had been okay. Axel wasn’t charged with what he did to that drunk driver. And the driver was charged, put in front of a judge, and sent to jail for a good little while. I got myself a new truck, too. But I’d trade everything I owned for Lacey to be able to walk. In my heart, I knew she’d walk again. Even if she didn’t believe it. “Want to know how I know that?” I asked. “What?” “Because I have you. And you have me. Nothing else in this messed up world matters. It’s always been us, Lacey. From that old house that burned down to this big ass rock. To the cabin I bought from Richie. And to…” “You bought the cabin?” she asked. “Yeah,” I said. “He gave me a hell of a deal on it.” “River…” I reached for her hand. “Lacey, I wanted to buy that house for us, and it burned down. So, I bought the cabin instead. This is our home away from home. Speaking of which, we’ll start looking there

too. I want you to pick out your dream home.” “River, no. I don’t need a dream home. Wherever I live, I just want you there.” “And that’s exactly why I know it’s always been about us. You and me. And the ring in my pocket is just the next step.” “The…what?” I dropped down to one knee before Lacey. I held her left hand tight and reached into my pocket. It was a brand-new ring. I had a nice little influx of cash thanks to Tate helping me market some of my designs. Not to mention that all I did while waiting for Lacey to show up was work and save money. It was time for me to do something fun, even if that meant spoiling the hell out of the woman I loved. “River,” Lacey whispered. “I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time. I pictured it a million times, and it was never like this.” “Because I’m in a wheelchair,” Lacey said with a smirk. “No. Because of how real it feels. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. Everything I’ve

ever done was for you. The good, the bad, the time we lost. Fuck all that, Lacey. All we’ve got is today and to hope for tomorrow. So now, I’m living for today. And today…I’m asking you, Lacey, to marry me. Become my wife. Become my everything. Will you?” “Yes,” Lacey gushed. “Oh, River, yes! Yes a million times! Yes!” I slid the ring onto her finger and then slid my hand behind her neck and kissed her. Lacey started to cry. My thumb wiped away a few tears. “Hey, no tears.” “I want to stand and kiss you. Like I used to do.” “Then let’s figure it out,” I said. I took Lacey by the hands and nodded. I didn’t speak another word. I pulled, she fought to stand, and I waited. I had nothing but time. Nothing but patience. Nothing but love. It took a few minutes, but I got Lacey onto her feet. She was shaking. She was crying. I knew that if I let her go, she would fall.

But here’s the best part of it all… I would never, ever let her go.

LACEY MONTHS LATER

out River’s name and bit his shoulder. I cried He plunged deeper, harder than maybe I’d ever felt him before. I shut my eyes and felt the warmth of my body tingling everywhere. He grunted as he reached his climax and held there. Our bodies were so intertwined, it was wild. Slowly, he kept loving me. Pulling, pushing, planting a little kiss on the top of my head. I broke from his strong shoulder as my mouth

craved the taste of his. We started to kiss, and I wanted nothing more but for him to get hard again and have me again. And I actually, fully intended on him doing just that. But then I felt a kick from inside my belly, and River jumped back. He went to his knees and propped himself up. His right hand touched my stomach, and his eyes went wide. “Was that?” “Yeah,” I said. “The little man just kicked me,” he said. “Little man or woman,” I said. “A kick like that? That’s a boy for sure.” I laughed. “We’ll find out soon.” River eased away from me, leaving me with another round of warm tingling. His hands never could keep from touching me, which was an amazing reassurance with all the bodily changes I was going through and would keep going through. He leaned forward and kissed the small but growing baby bump. “I’m grabbing a shower,” he said. “I have to

get to the shop soon. Busy day for me.” “Yeah, me too. I need to study.” “That’s what I like to hear. You keep up your classes at this rate, and you’ll be able to deliver your own baby.” I laughed again. “Stop. That’s just weird.” River insisted I enroll back into med school. I couldn’t argue with him. I was taking things slow. I honestly had no idea if I would ever actually become a doctor. But I promised River I would go until I was too pregnant to care. I moved to my side and watched as River walked to the bathroom. I admired his beautiful back and rock-hard ass. Goddamn, he was so fucking sexy. It made my toes curl. We were still in his apartment. For now, at least. But we would need a bigger place soon. I touched my stomach and sat up on the bed. I swung my feet to the edge and bit my lip as I applied pressure to my feet. I stood up with ease. If someone was there to watch, they’d never know that I was told there was a good chance I’d never walk again.

But look at me go! I walked to the mirror and stood sideways. I touched the little baby bump smiled. If it wasn’t for River, I wouldn’t have walked. Not only did he lift me up the day he proposed, he kept doing it every day. Hours on end, he would forever be there with me, helping me take step after step. Time was the craziest, funniest, cruelest, and kindest thing in existence. And yet in the blink of an eye, it could just vanish. I shut my eyes and swallowed down a lump in my throat. I was actually happy. Finally happy. “Hey, darlin’.” I looked over my shoulder, and River had his head poking out of the bathroom door. He had a sexy grin on his face. “Yeah?” “For the record, I have plenty of time to get to work.” “Are you inviting me into the shower with you?” I asked. “No, I’m demanding it. Get that beautiful ass of

yours over here, let’s finish our morning the right way.” He winked and vanished behind the door. I heard the water turn on. I looked in the mirror one last time. River may have been a boy I used to love. But he was a man I would share forever with.

THE END.

FROM THE AUTHORS:

Thank you so much for joining us in the world of St. Skin! The response to In Her Words was really overwhelming. Not just how many readers grabbed a copy of the book, but the amount of readers who emailed us. There’s not a day that goes by that we don’t get some kind of mail from a reader telling us how much Cass and Diem meant to them. The original plan was for this book to get published much later, but

when In Her Words became a worldwide bestseller, it was proof that St. Skin was a hit! So, thanks you to you – THE READER – this book, A Boy I Used to Love, came out on an early release. This book touches us because of the past love concept. Making that forever promise and then keeping it. Bringing River and Lacey to life was not easy. The way we wrote it was Jaxson took care of the past parts while London took care of the present. Then we brought the two parts together to mix them to create this novel. It’s quite the process and the book reflects that.

Also, please be sure to email us and tell what you thought! If you have any questions, let us know! Now it’s time for us to get back to work on more St. Skin stories to share!

One more thing! Make sure you get over to the official St. Skin Facebook fan page here: www.facebook.com/stskinseries

London (Karolyn) & Jaxson

Please be sure to leave your review for A Boy I Used to Love (A St. Skin Novel) right now. Find the book on Amazon here: http://amzn.to/2jUsnmh

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Stay social with Jax:

Facebook: www.facebook.com/JaxsonKidman Newsletter (part of the Outlaw Romance Obsession team): http://eepurl.com/b9BDKb Email Jax: [email protected] Amazon Page: http://amzn.to/2lgfpLG

Stay social with London (Karolyn):

Facebook: www.facebook.com/KarolylnJamesAuthor (the official Outlaw Romance Obsession fan page!) Newsletter (part of the Outlaw Romance Obsession team): http://eepurl.com/b9BDKb Email Jax: [email protected] Amazon Page: http://amzn.to/2jUsnmh

ALSO BY LONDON AND JAXSON:

Jaxson Kidman is the bestselling author of several novels, including:

Hard Knox Slam Her Outlaw King

Look for his upcoming novel, Hate Me

London Casey (Karolyn James) is the author of the bestselling series, Back Down Devil MC

These books have no set reading order. They are all stand-alone novels set in the BDD MC world. She is also the author of several standalone novels, including:

This Crazy, Forbidden Thing The Man. The Game. The Baby. Steal His Heart

Look for her upcoming novel, A Dirty Wedding Proposal

This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. First electronic edition March 2017 Copyright © 2017 by London Casey (Karolyn James) & Jaxson Kidman All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part of any form.